Red, yellow, green... evolves

Red, yellow, green... evolves

rosethorn​(sub female) • Dec 8, 2019

As any relationship develops, things change. Within BDSM this also means boundaries and agreements can change. Im curious as to how people handle this change. Do you review a contract? Have a formal discussion?
What if you think your boundaries are changing but your not sure?

Zedland​(dom male) • Dec 9, 2019

Any real change needs to be clearly communicated. For me I enjoy a direct conversation, face to face with no distractions so exactly what the new arrangement will be an be hashed out fully and the reasoning behind the change explained. If there is a contract involved it should be changed to reflect the new reality. But the truly important thing is that all parties understand what is going on.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 9, 2019

Do you review a contract?

I dont believe in contracts.


Have a formal discussion?

Yes and no.

What if you think your boundaries are changing but your not sure?



Boundaries change all the time. For all of us. I think it's just part of life. I don't believe in contracts because of this very issue. Is every time I have a life event nothing changes unless I go back and review a contract then I think I have bigger issues in the relationship. Life is constantly changing. Boundaries are constantly changing. What you can do what you can't do.


Being too rigid is not healthy for anybody. I know that if my beloved has been working on her business for the last 12 hours to prep for this upcoming holiday Fair that most likely the dishes aren't going to be done.


This doesn't need a formal discussion. Or really a discussion at all. That's how life moves. When I needed to go out of state to help take care of my mother we didn't stop and say how's our power exchange going to work during this time...

We moved into a new situation was our power exchange intact. And it just required different things of her.



I think sometimes people use contracts because they think it will determine emotional outcome. It won't. I think if people become too rigid and the use of contracts it is the detriment of both parties.


For relationships to last in the long term there has to be room to move, grow, become different on both sides of the whip.

Abseil​(dom male) • Dec 9, 2019

All sorts of dynamics evolve with change. With me, personally, I take them as we go and we note it for the future if not, explore it with clear communication as we go.

In terms of contracts, I normally prefer to leave it up in the air with my partners until they are comfortable enough with settling one with me. If I find a partner, we explore. There are some expectations, sure, but mostly, we mostly touch upon the hard no's for each other. I like to think of the contract as a milestone. It is almost silly to me to have a pre-formed contract for your newest partner to go over because who's to say these things will garner the same results from your partner? For example, if I were to have a premade contract for a new partner and, let's say, I put down that they ought to expect some blood play because I happen to enjoy blood play. Already, that is a concern in itself for my newest partner because that is an immediate turn off for them, and even if they are amongst the greatest of people in terms of character AND the scene, I would be missing out on that person as soon as they disagree and walk out the door. Further, I can enjoy some blood play with one person, but abhor it with another. It all depends on the experience you gain from *learning* your partner, and if you just set a standard, there is hardly any room for being above and beyond.

Back to the blood play example--one partner, I would absolutely go mental given the right reactions from them. But with another, they could react a certain way, or not at all, so then I would gain barely anything from it. And this all ties to change because, as was said, it is dynamic, just as one ought to explore your partner as you go. For me, it is only then that once you fully know the ins and outs (phrasing) of your partner, and them, you, you can maybe make a contract with them that can always be touched upon later because we are all always learning new things in both our relationships and the scene. I can understand why others usually prepare a contract before anything though, there is the appeal of avoiding hurt or needlessly giving your partner hope that a bond would work out when really, you are not at all gratified.

In regards to boundaries and whatnot, just *talk*. That is a prime candidate to be the solution of all your hurtles. You should always communicate with your partner, even if it is unpleasant. It would improve trust and cohesion in the long run, and can make loads of a difference in the moment. Communicate, communicate, communicate, and do not feel afraid to speak unfiltered. Especially when it comes to change. It would be a shame if certain things that could have been talked about led to an eventual falling out.

Ultimately though, change should not be a scary thing. So long as partners communicate and work together through them, change can lead to amazing things.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Dec 12, 2019

Really appreciate the response. Thank you. I am curious as to how people might handle changes to their role.. personally i don't have a contract or more of a verbal one. Especially when it can change the dynamic, communication is key. Im thinking how this might be discussed, taken onboard and into the dynamic. Because when the dynamic changes the relationship can too.

Southern Lady​(sub female){Uncollared} • Dec 16, 2019

You are correct in that communication is key...I don't think a contract should be brought out at first either...I think people should get to know one another and explore to find each others limits...contracts can scare off good people...but if things seem to be going good and toward the serious side...a contract should be brought in to let your potential sub/slave know what you expect and how far you are willing to take this...just my 2 cents worth!

rosethorn​(sub female) • Dec 17, 2019

Thanks. You know that feeling when you think your explaing yourself well and then realise you really havent... facepalm. Thanks for your response and i agree with the contract thing, i was think more when your both new to something and giving it a go then when you know what works and what doesn't to solidify it a bit more with an agreement.
Just to be clear i was thinking of the D/s dynamic changing not just the red, yellow, green.
So for example... a Dom becoming a switch, trying to do this as a sub and not being able to Top very well...
I found red yellow green was very important in this situation but also very difficult to manage ... neither of you know what some of the yellows are until you reflect on things, thats really difficult to manage as your partners wellbeing and safety are priority. If they don't have experience of being a bottom sometimes they don't realise until after, but this isnt ideal and not great for either of you or the relationship so thought i would ask for advice. Ive asked the person involved (this is in the past) and the response was 'i don't know' as a sub... well i suppose as a Dom too that's tough to work off.

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 18, 2019

Bottom Line. Change is the one constant in life and this stuff happens, especially in the context of BDSM life. One may have had enough of one thing and wanting to do something else. As with all other things human, forcing oneself to stay in a place that no longer tickles their fancy is just a bad scene.

Forget contracts.. too much like a business transaction. Sets the whole thing in a cold and official context and totally kills the mood.

Communication and Acceptance, willingness to concede when a ship has sailed-- is key.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Dec 18, 2019

Thanks, very true change is the only constant in life. In vanilla land you can share concern with others but its hard with bdsm as its in the closet. So worried about harming the other person through lack of knowledge... communication is always the key. Sub frenzy can be tough as everything is yes... there's me trying to chase stuff up... reading... panicking... being concerned. Its a lot of planning that goes into being a Top. Was a really insightful experience.
Just to be clear i would stop immediately consent is priority number 1 along with communication.
Another example is i had a shoulder injury which made life... especially in bdsm challenging ... thinking you can do things then having 'oh' moments. Holding positions was interesting.

Southern Lady​(sub female){Uncollared} • Dec 25, 2019

I have a couple that are good friends with me...that at first..there was a strict contract...but each year she got a little more freedom. Worked great for them...which is key...what works good for you