Self control/ Frustration

Hello everybody;)

Just a question again , I am reading all posts on the forums and this one is eating my brain.

Self control and frustration .

Imagine you are new to the life style like me and still learning and exploring, reading and finding answers to the questions.

Submissive would submit to a Dom , without submitting she would not know her limits , likes and dislikes etc...

She finds a Mentor first to learn and explore . There is no sexual element in the play apart of impact play . The Mentor is controlling himself and is brilliant in teaching and showing , but how the Sub would deal with her frustration, when there is no sexual activity?

Another scenario is :

Sub is finding a Dom and they agree in principles the relationship, but comes the real life meeting and play , and the Sub can not submit fully to him . Is it just incompatibility or is a Submissive failure ? How would you know that the Dom you met or you are talking to would be dominant enough for you , so you can submit ?

Thanks ?

Z

I have tried to find this song variant everywhere but think Laura brannigans rendition circa 1983 is totally unbeatable, whow oh oh, whow oh oh, think ile get the gramophone player out now.

Hi!

I have personally dealt with both of those situations haha. I have gone around and around wondering what causes this? What can i do about it? And i have come to many different conclusions over the years. Finally, i feel like i have the best possible answer.

D/s relationships are relationships (formatting test haha). "This works but this doesn't" is just part any relationship and is not necessarily a "failure" of anyone involved. Trying to place blame is just a waste of energy that only hurts people. I would try to avoid finding blame. You can always do a self evaluation to see if you have any regrets or anything you think you can do better and work on that, but remember, even if you have made mistakes and have things you can work on, that doesn't make it your fault.

Next, dealing with your frustration. I say don't. Open lines of communication and honesty are pillars to any relationship that should not be compromised. If you do, then you are building the relationship on a false foundation and its doomed to topple over as soon as the lie wears out.

Respectfully voice your thoughts, opinions and concerns. Then have some patience as your partner tries to adapt. If it comes out that its just not working for one or the other, thank each other for the experiences, and move on.

Being poly, i say, why not keep the the great mentor Dom and then find another relationship for sex? Haha in reality most people aren't able to do that and/or can't really handle the maintainence on a relationship like that. But i like keeping my options open ^.^

Hope this helps! Feel free to message me any time!

Hi ? and thank you for the information . I just want to clarify that I have no Mentor yet , nor Dom as I am still learning and I would like to be clear with my cravings first before I enter in any relationships, as I don’t want to disappoint anyone .

But this is giving me clarity and I am thankful for your sharing

Z

It may be very difficult to figure out on your own exactly what you will or won't enjoy in a relationship (or in the wider world of "everything BDSM"), or anticipate what characteristics a Dom "has to have" in order for you to offer a deeper submission.

It's a good idea to have an idea of your hard limits (things that you WILL NOT DO, FULL STOP and are not interested in challenging at this point in time) and a few things you might like to explore (you mention submission, and impact play, but when you fantasize... What things "feel" submissive to you? Acts of service? Humiliation? Accepting sensations from your Dom? Providing those sensations for your Dom? And is impact spanking? Punching? Paddles? Canes? Whips?) but at the end of the day, you won't know how you really feel about something or what you really enjoy until you've tried it. And maybe tried it a few different ways with a few different partners.

It's okay to approach someone with an honest "I'm new at this, and I'm not sure how this is going to go, but I'd really like to try FILL IN THE BLANK and it seems like you know a lot about that. Would you be interested in doing FILL IN THE BLANK with me? Or can you recommend someone who might?" If it turns out you don't enjoy it or you need more, or you come to realize you'd prefer a Dom who is more this or less that, you're not letting anyone down... You're just learning about yourself.

The open and honest communication Wolfy13 talks about is the key. Being open and honest before anything happens helps you establish a relationship where there are clear expectations and the understanding that you are exploring. Being open and honest during the relationship helps ensure that everyone is having their needs met. And if the relationship has run its course, being open and honest can help prevent that sense of disappointing yourself or others.

I hope you find a wonderful mentor and enjoy your journey of discovery to the hilt!

Ask a million questions.

I found testing my thoughts, desires and fears with others helped me to learn about myself. It is so hard to work it out on your own. For years I thought I was was weird. Now I know I am and owning it. ?

Thank you so much for the post . I will take your advise for the approach:) But can I ask ... for me the attraction is very important, if I can’t find someone to be attracted to , who would help me explore , how would it happen than ?
In vanilla is easy , you are not attracted, you pass .


You mentioned that probably I would need to try the same things with different people before I find out exactly how I like it . Is it possible to explore without the sexual attraction? I mean there was times that I had friends with benefits , no love or commitment ,apart of sex, respect and no cheating, but the attraction and satisfaction was amazing .( I am talking in a normal vanilla relationship)
Could I look for the same thing here as well ? Could I just approach but be honest and just say that I would like to look at them like my Friends with benefits who will help me explore ?

Do Dom’s would expect me to really submit while exploring what I like and dislike or there would be like a free “ learning” period?

Thanks ?

Z

If you ask ten kinksters the same question, you'll probably get twelve answers back... So I'll try to tell you how it works for me, but keep in mind everyone is different!

So, reading your posts in this thread it sounds like maybe you are thinking about "being submissive" and "doing kinky things" as kind of the same thing? But it might help if you separate the two. For me, submission is part of who I AM. It's part of my nature, my personality, the way I think about things. And apart from that, I DO kinky things.

You can do those kinky things with or without submission. That's one way some people differentiate between Top/bottom and Dom/sub. Top/bottom describes what people do (the Top gives sensation, the bottom receives sensation) while Dom/sub describes what people are on a more fundamental level (the Dom enjoys control, the sub enjoys being controlled).

You could go to your local community, ask if there was someone who would give you a spanking, and explore being spanked without bringing sex or submission into it. And you might find that you enjoy being spanked by one type of person over another, or on one body part over another. Same thing with other kinky activities.

For exploring submission though... It sounds like you're interested in exploring something like a 24/7 power exchange dynamic with you in the submissive role. It is possible to find that type of relationship without a sexual component (online here, for example) but that will probably take more time than just going to a group and asking for a spanking! Just like in the vanilla world, you'll need to get to know each other, talk about what you both want in a relationship (will there be sexual contact and if so what kinds? How and when and where and what will your submission involve? What are your hard limits? Your soft limits? How about theirs? Do they enjoy training submissives? What do you hope to learn? How long do you hope this will last?), and decide if you might be a good fit. If you DO decide to move forward then absolutely YES, make sure you have regular opportunities to speak openly with your Dom and make sure that both of you are still on the same page. And if you decide that it's not for you, you say thank you and move on.

It really is pretty similar to the vanilla world... There are more options and more things to explore maybe, and there is a LOT more emphasis on open and honest communication on this side of the line, but it's still about making connections and building relationships. If it's not working out, you pass. If someone isn't listening or isn't respecting your limits, you pass. You try to find someone who checks most of your boxes and whose boxes you check in turn. It can take a while, so remember to have fun as you go!

Sorry for the super long post! I'm a chatterbox (my Dom's favorite punishment it's making me be silent for a period of time.... It's horrible! Lol)

Thank you so much ?

Z

As the man says, you can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.