Possibly a stupid question...

Possibly a stupid question...

switch hitter​(switch female) • Feb 25, 2020

Is it possible to be a Dominant bottom? It sounds like an oxymoron, but I’ve found that most of the time, I like to be the one in control and be the one on my knees at the same time.
There’s this guy who wants to fuck me and part of me really wants to Dominate him, but is it really Domination if I tell him to fuck my face and choke me with his cock or demand he call me his cumslut and slap me around a bit? Tame examples, but you get the drift, right?
I don’t really want him to make any decisions (I obviously will respect his limits, however) because he’s never been with someone as kinky as I am, but he’s very enthusiastic about the idea of pleasing me and other than making him worship my pussy and ass, I feel like maybe I’m teaching him to Dominate me?
I’m a switch, but I mostly lean toward the submissive and giving the guy *almost* complete control (a bratty sub, I guess); this is actually the first time I really want to be actively in control of everything. I’m also wondering if it’s just because I’m not horribly attracted to him and I just need to get off. He was the one who suggested hooking up (because I wasn’t interested in dating) and I told him he probably wouldn’t be interested because guys get very uncomfortable when I talk about what I’m into, but he’s open to experimenting and since guys like that are kind of hard to come by around here, I guess he’ll do.

Bunnie • Feb 25, 2020

I don’t mean this in an offensive way when I say the things you describe sound to me like what is classed as “topping from the bottom.”

Oftentimes this term is used as an offensive way of trying to imply that someone isn’t “submissive enough,” however I think a lot of it is a *trust* and *vulnerability* thing.

Some of us need to feel like we have that “freedom in maintaining control” in order to be able to “let go.” Even if it’s “an illusion.” (If that makes sense).

Being vulnerable with someone not only requires a willingness for us to delve into ourselves... it also requires a safe space. If that’s not achieved, in my opinion, no amount of anything can force us to experience vulnerability. If there’s no trust, or not enough yet... or if he isn’t yet comfortable stepping into a leadership role... it can be difficult to give up that control.

If it’s a place that he’s willing to explore with you, then what’s the harm? We all grow in different ways and we all have different requirements in how that’s achieved.
Perhaps it could be a good starting point for you both.

switch hitter​(switch female) • Feb 25, 2020

I guess I didn’t think of it like that. There are a few things I told him were off limits until I’ve taught him how to do them properly and trust him enough (restraints/breath play) and he seems like he’s just happy to be a part of it so we’ll see how it goes.

Erick​(sub male) • Feb 25, 2020

I've done that with a few people. Two men, and one woman. The men were both up-front "switches," and it didn't occur to any of us that there was anything strange about our changing places. The woman was definitely my Dom, and when she asked me (TOLD me) to temporarily cater to her submissive appetites according to her specific instructions, it did feel a little weird to me, but I was a Good Boy and did my best. And afterwards she told me I was VERY good at it. (I sometimes DO think I would make an effective and dynamic Cruel Daddy--if that were my inclination.) Then I was back to being her property again, and she beat me a little harder than usual. No particular reason. Just Because.

Duke Montefort​(dom male) • Feb 25, 2020

I am a dominant, but I am submissive by nature. However, when I top from the bottom as is the term. It is a declaration that you are poor leader. I don't follow orders from bad leaders. They only lead to danger. If a leader gets someone I trust to give me the order. I refuse them as well. I consider it an insult to my intelligence. When you lead well it is safe. When you lead poorly death follows. A good leader thinks of the long term and safety not instant gratification. If you need a better written example seek the Buddhist tale of two dear Beauty and Grey. A deer had two suns Beauty and Grey. Beauty was red colored deer. Grey was grey. The father was too old to lead the flock up into the mountains. He divided the flock evenly, and gave leadership to both boys. Grey wanted to get there quickly and traveled by day and night. They followed the roads and did not avoid human dwellings. They were attacked and way laid. Many died. Beauty lead his group only at night, and made long trips around human civilizations. All survived at the mountain. Then they needed to return. Grey followed the same strategy, and only he returned to his father injured. Beauty avoided civilization and was cautious, and all returned. A good leader takes care and thinks through, and everyone comes out all right. The same can be said of a follower. If you have a follower who listens to no one, and avoids safety. Then they in danger the group, and it is better to cut them out.

Hope this helps.

Solace​(dom male) • Feb 26, 2020

I wouldn't worry about the titles, unless you truly feel a need to define who you are to others.

In my small view of this world, you are the Dominant one in the relationship. I don't care what the other person is doing to you, if it's what you demand and you are in control, that makes you the leader and Dominant.

I believe the Dominant takes what they want, and it sounds like that's exactly what you are doing. But please heed the community and myself who encourage you to do so safely and responsibly. Ensure your partner does not come to harm, nor that they harm you.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 26, 2020

Absolutely they can.

One can be a Master to one person and a slave to another. At the same time.

I bottom to my beloved when I need hard release. My beloved does not think less of me- my beloved considers this service.

Lossofalme • Feb 27, 2020

Ask five kinksters, get nine responses!

For me, there is a distinct difference between Dominant/submissive and Top/bottom. Again for me, D/s speaks to who a person IS while the T/b speaks to what a person DOES.

Because of that distinction, there is no doubt at all in my mind that a person can BE Dominant, and act as the bottom in a scene (or relationship) or BE submissive and Top in a scene (or relationship).

For example, I am submissive. It is what and who I am. But if I am ordered, by my Dom, to strap up and peg him...to any observer of that scene, I'm the one giving sensation (Topping) and he is the one receiving sensation (bottoming). And yet I am doing what I'm doing as an act of service and submission to his desire... While the apparent giving and receiving of sensation shows one thing, the actual power dynamic is the reverse.

So I suppose you need to decide for yourself if you can separate the power dynamic (in which you can be Dominant, submissive, or a mix of both as a switch) from the specific activities (in regards to which there is a giver/Top and receiver/bottom). But even if you can't...I wouldn't let titles or labels bother you. Just listen to yourself and do the things that make YOU happy (assuming consent and all that good stuff)