I think that switching is best.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 26, 2018

submission is a state of mind and being not a preference, just as dominance is a state of being and mind and not a preference. I do not have the ability to enter a submissive headspace, its just not in me and many are like that who are unable to reach that place. Its not about having an open mind or closed its about who you are in your kink journey, and in mine I have been from day one a dominant.

I do see the value in knowing how equipment feels, but its a sensation guage and not a transportive experience as it is for a submissive. So I do know how my equipment feels in use, I test it on myself when new to see how they feel, and I have been flogged but at no point did I feel like changing my side of the slash, sinking to my knees and becoming a sub. For me I am fixed, that is it regarding dominance, I am incapable of switching.

There are those who do start exploring as a sub and end up a dom, and those who go the other way or end up in the middle but that is part of their particular journey evolution and is part of them and that is not something that will be true for all, after all we are all individual people.

Bottom line is that I am pleased for anyone who is enjoying their kink experiences, regardless of their starting point, selected role, but at no time would I be so rude, arrogant or presumptuous to tell them they are mistaken in their role and should become one thing or the other, nor would I, for instance, tell a gay person that they must become straight or vice versa. I think people should be supportive and help facilitate peoples natural evolution and not dictate to them what they should be or not be, after all they will do that on their own, in their own time.

notavanilla what has worked for you has worked for you, but do not be that person who demands others must do as you did/do to be a sound person in this kink world, because being a 'one true wayist' will rub most the wrong way, and in fact shows you have a closed mind yourself to think your way is the only way.

notavanilla • Dec 7, 2018

I know that there is no cut rule for any BDSM relationship because we are all people. I felt and do feel that switching is best. There is a lot of reasons for this as far as I am concerned.
From my perspective is that I am not interested in short term or poly relationships. if you want to have a LTR and want to build on it then this can make a bond that is strong. Your both in it and you both got skin in the game. A relationship is two people and if one is stronger than the other and both can't pull then you have a weak link but if both are strong, both can pull and can plow the field like oxen pulls the plow. I don't want to be with a person that I tried to make weaker but I am interested in making both people in that relationship stronger. You get stronger by doing both and doing both teaches you things about the other person but also about yourself. Sure at first you may not like it but if you hang in there then you will find that there is parts to both that can be truly satisfying. There is more to BDSM than just a few things. You may begin to explore more and discover much more and more variety and with it a more satisfying sex life and a more satisfying life in general.
You may feel different and that is your choice but I think that switching is best and it does provide for the largest options for variety. It can also give both a chance to really give to the other and have some proof and can show that proof that they have given themselves and seen that the other has done the same.
A lot of women limit themselves to just subbing but many women have started out that way and later became dommes. To do both and to find a partner that does both is to me ideal.

notavanilla

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2018

I appreciate your point of view. I am happy that you discovered what works best for you. I understand given how you have embraced being a switch or the idea of switching why you may feel as strongly as it appears you do. I do think however, just like everything else in this world, not everyone will agree with you and that is fine. Different strokes for different folks.

I started my journey as a submissive man. I met a woman who opened up my eyes to D/s and she was Dom. So I surrendered to her and had a great time. I enjoyed it and learned much about myself through the experience. One thing I learned, is I am Dom. I am happy I started off as a sub because I feel like I have some connection to what my subbie is feeling and also what she needs from me as her Daddy, especially emotionally. Would I ever switch? I do not know. Do I feel a need to switch to better understand D/s, my subbie, or myself. No.

To answer your question about what would I do if someone asked to be punished or suffer. I have to read to much into your question to answer it completely. The way it is asked it almost seems like some random person is asking. Not someone I have a relationship with or who I have spent time talking and discussing needs and wants, and desires. I would never just punish someone without having more information about who they are and all. So for me, I would need to know lots more about the person, and discuss expectations, desires, needs and all. Not everyone is the same and so how I might punish one person is different than another. I would never just start to inflict pain or anything really on someone I did not know. It is just my preference and how I operate. I am sure some people out there are fine with the idea of playing with people they may not know well and I am not saying that is wrong.

I do not think there are many situations where there is only one way to deal.

notavanilla • Nov 30, 2019

Thought I would add a comment.
There is always exceptions to what is typical. The only thing is there is no typical relationship. Many people actually form their own relationship rules. As far as experience is concerned that is one of an ongoing thing. It can change because time gives us opportunity and taking these opportunities gives us experience.
We all can feel things differently and some people are a bit more numb then others. There is something to be said regarding having some inner want to have some concept of the other person and what they are experiencing. To care for the other. Sometimes this is wanted but with others it is not. BDSM is a rather complex thing so finding alignment with others and what they want and wish for is not always easy. Getting the right person certainly is a key to sexual compatibility. I think that switches have the best chance to be compatible but most people want one thing or the other, dom or sub but not both. This is a surprise for me, really.
Many people condemn switching but with most of them they haven't tried it. If people were willing to give it a shot they may find a more satisfying sexual relationship and experience that is better then the one they have now.

notavanilla

notavanilla • Jan 27, 2020

It's possible that that switch had a considerable amount of his time subbing and subbing to someone that was rough on him. Over time the play changes from pain to stimulation to maso, sub, slave or switch. They don't fear pain but actually have a craving of sorts for it. They want to be handled in a more rough way and with that element of pain included.

This may seem like a contraction or even funny but there is some elements of truth to this.

If you participate with one person and you don't have an especially good experience with that person it should not mean that you could/would feel that way with all people. There maybe a person/people in the world that give you a completely opposite feeling. No telling?/?/?

There may be some truth in regards to the comments about selfish doms. Sure there are some just like there is selfish people. I have to however agree that a number of doms are not in it for the physical sensation of experiencing BDSM on the receiving end but that is because they are in it for the control over someone else. As a result I would perceive that they would not get anything out of it. NOTE: perceive is not stated as a forever fact for all people.

I cannot speak for all switches but I think that being open and accepting and tolerant with a partner is important and you really learn that importance when you go both ways because there is two sides to the street. If you want to trash someone then it's possible you will be trashed on the flip side so you don't trash the other person but think of yourself and that later date.
Now I don't need this motivation because I don't dom for control but to invite stimulation into a scene that has sex as part of it. I tend to double down on the pleasure aspect of it for my partner and really try to use that stimulus to get her to that big O.
Raises the question:
What are we doing BDSM for?
Is it to demean and degrade a person?
Is it a means to excite the body and mind for the purpose of obtaining a much more satisfying sexual experience?

I can state that I nearly exclusively include BDSM into my sexual experiences with the second question listed. I want to provide stimulation and then pour on the pleasure!
To me is, why do anything else?

Lastly is the matter of fairness and balance in a relationship. If you balance everything then nobody feels screwed. Maybe you won't have everything but at least you got your share. Therefore I would not ask my partner to do anything that I would not do myself. I think this builds respect and gives you something to talk about as a shared experience. These add up and you know your partner and they know you.

a few thoughts

notavanilla

Hotmail • Jan 29, 2020

I'm still learning the ropes to both sides and so am loving both. Just need guidance to be honest. Sometimes I love being told what to do and other times I love taking control. I can see how anyone could love either side of it!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 2, 2020

Logically, if you're doing it "both ways" you can furfill both the dom/sub (or/and other) needs in each other. Actually being able to DO that is another matter. Communication. Practice. Give and take. etc.

The catch of course is that you can't do both at once. Actually, technically you can in a sense but that's more "middle ground" with the power exchange dynamic then "full control". One way to circumvent this is to keep the exchange of control fluid. Consistent. Maybe it's me right now in this game and you later in in that other situation. Or perhaps do what the other says without question or hesitation. Want to make each other happy? Snap to it. That said still communicate about things.

I think it helps to think of things OTHER then leashes and BDSM when it comes to this (D/s in general as well as switches). Involve those things but also think of other stuff. How can you be playful and slutty or whatever else? How do you let someone know what you need and how do you communicate that? What do you ask and what do you simply state? Which (depending on the situation and context) is the quickest and least stressful approach?

The rest just falls into place after that. I don't worry too much about the labels. Even a sub needs a spine and even a dom needs guidance. And yes, even if you're a dom with a know it all attitude I'm saying you NEED guidance if you're going to engage with me. Unless you're a mind reader that magically knows exactly what I need.

As for "being other roles" it is a fact that if you're experienced in one side of the fence, you're more aware of the other. Actually being good at that takes repetition, practice and of course wherever someone can focus (is ones life drama free for example). If you're treated by a dom (as a sub) then you pick up on "dom traits". You learn from them. Reverse logic also applies. Just don't confuse that same exact treatment you're getting will be the preference of someone else's. People that are "fresh to the other side" can of course struggle much more then others. If you've never been direct before (or let someone else call the shots) then that takes getting used too. If a sub already has a spine they might adapt more quickly. If someone is much more shy however that could take longer. Not just because someone is a "sub" but because someone might have lack of confidence in general. Funny thing is those same shy people can get into some not so shy events and be more confident with you provided you approach them right. I do this not as a sub, or a switch or a dom, but as a person.

Long story short, fun times and a gag stuffed on my face. By another sub. And I made it a point to be direct and firm with them because we both enjoy that. It all boils down to what both you and the person you interact with enjoy/need. But if you want someone to be more direct with you then you have to let them know. Likewise if you want someone to follow your lead (and this applies to doms as well as subs. It might even be more important with doms) then you have to let them know that too.

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 2, 2020

a notably brief and to-the-point reply:

Switch might be best for whomever it may apply. I'm a strict masochist and switch is NOT an option. I think "switch" sucks the proverbial bag! (and the nuts within) BUT THAT'S JUST ME!!

I have my choices, others have theirs, but never say one or the other is "best"!

Overarching lesson?

"To Each His or Her Own and Whomever Thinks They Have The Only Answer Can Go Shit In His/Her Hat!!"

Ingénue{VK} • Mar 2, 2020

Yawns at year old post... dredged up again?? Everything is best. Everything is awesome. Snores.

notavanilla • Mar 2, 2020

Ingénue where have you been? I am so glad you arrived and woke us up. I was beginning to feel like Rumpelstiltskin.
Fortunately we don't have to jump for every post or discussion. Now lets toss a few things around. Yes I do throw in my side of this and am not moderating a debate but give my 2 cents worth like its worth $2000.00.

We have a set of beliefs regarding switching and we always assume that it is one partner doing the other partner. Well what if both sides dom or sub together to other couples? What if they both get this action simultaneously to dom or to sub as a couple?
Sure some of you are maso/slave/sub but if you tried it for the purpose of training your partner to " handle it " and you had open discussions about your experiences as submissives/dominants and then you can dom/sub each other and other singles/couples. You would have the whole pie with extra helpings. Some poly people could go as far as having sex with the other couple but you could limit or restrict this to sex with partners only.

This is why I think switching is best. You got it all if you open these doors.
Now many doms started as maso/slave/sub.. They tried it and completely flipped to the other side so there is some appeal there. I do know that some of this may make a newbie uncomfortable but with some effort this can change and often does. Sure you may never like it as much but we do things all the time in bed for our partners to please them and if you sub you want to please generally.
Variety is the spice of life and doing it all brings a lot of spice to the recipe.
You have the right to differ from me and I won't condemn you for it but sometime you may find together some people you trust to dominate both of you together and then be forced to have sex with each other. This can be quite an experience and you would form a serious bond with your mate if you both were willing to extend themselves to experience this extra dimension.
I state my Cage name as notavanilla. I am very vanilla but I am not always vanilla. I can allow for serious latitude in the area of erotic pleasure and want to explore that and really find out what nearly everything is like. I don't feel bound by BDSM so much that I just can't make love to my woman or wife.
I am willing to try many things and have some experiences. Not all experiences but I am always willing to expand that. I lost a woman to a heart defect that was a lot like John Ritter and that just killed me and now I am searching for a new mate and hope to jump back in at some point.
I am willing to modify my sex life to accommodate a mate and the flexibility that I have can make this easy.
Sex is fun and should not be a chore. If you have a sense of humor and seek some fun and frolic and you open the doors to doing different things then sex will be always be new and fresh and when your old you have a few things to talk about if you feel up to it.

I hope I don't drag any of you down. If your OK with what your doing that is no sweat for me. I just want to express what I think based on trying both and willing to continue to do so. I think the extra effort trying is worth it.

PM me if your a mature woman that is unattached and would like to check out a few extra things in a LTR.
I think switching is best and I think you will too when all is said and done.

notavanilla