Tips for new Dominants (potentially)?

Tips for new Dominants (potentially)?

HisAngel • Mar 9, 2020

I am making this forum for my fiance so i can share with him whatever insight is posted. He's vanilla but after talking with him he is going to try for me. As of right now my understanding is that he is only comfortable on taking control in the bedroom not so much outside of that which I respect. I don't want 24/7 I wouldn't be cut out for it I know how I am lol...but I hope one day we will be able to implement some sort of protocol into our daily life's.

Anywho tips for the fiance please! Thus far I've mostly been asking for tips for myself on how to introduce it to him.

DaddyDrago​(dom male){LilAmethys} • Mar 10, 2020

Ideas for New Dominants


Spankings & Discipline
It is very thrilling for your sub to know she is subject to your discipline. She wants rules and limits set for her and knows that there will be consequences for not obeying them. If there are no consequence then she cannot feel the control that she longs for. Accepting a spanking where the focus is on correcting her behavior rather than for her own pleasure is proof of her submission to you. It makes your control of her very real.
There is a big distinction between a spanking given for the pure enjoyment of it and one given as punishment. Though many pleasure spankings are given under the guise of a punishment for misbehaving, it's clear that the focus is on its eroticism and the "punishment" aspect is just a pretense.
Some submissive women would never want a spanking they thought was given as a punishment. For them, it is a completely pleasurable experience and they don't want them to be associated with a "punishment" in any form.

However, there are some submissive women who *love* to be spanked as a punishment and there are several reasons for this. We all grew up knowing that spankings were given as a punishment and though now as adults we find them pleasurable, the connection between spankings and punishment still remains and can be a very hot erotic trigger for the sub. If she started having spanking fantasies at a young age when having your bottom paddled and being punished are one in the same, they will often revolve around the idea of being punished for some reason, whether real or imagined.
Due to societies generally negative view of d/s and s/m, many women who crave a spanking or whipping often have great conflicts about it, wondering how they could possibly be so "strange" or "weird". It is often not an easy admission to make, so it's much easier to rationalize the desire for a spanking by connecting it to a wrong doing in order to "earn" a spanking rather than having the freedom to simply ask their lover for one.

The Desire to be Perfect
There is a tendency in some submissive women to be "perfect". Though this can be an admirable goal, it can often be taken to extremes and that's something to be aware of. I am now talking about the desire to strive to improve, to make an effort to do the best job possible, and as we know, that takes a great deal of energy.

Here is a quote that illustrates this point: "I started thinking about why punishment appealed to me and I wasn't sure if it was just another way to test limits..or the thought of the luxury of having something to "make" me do the things I really want to do anyway... but, instead, I allow life (work, fatigue) get in the way. "I have very high expectations for myself... I am lucky in the fact that I am intelligent and beautiful...but I think given these "gifts" that they should be utilized to the fullest extent..."

A submissive woman like this wants to be "pushed" into making a greater effort with herself. She knows what she is capable of achieving and wants help in making it a reality. To me, this is one of the most positive aspects of spankings treated as a punishment. As her Master, your responsibility is to take care of her and to see she does what is best for her. You need to work with her to be sure her rules and limits are for her own benefit and help her to meet her own personal goals. If structured this way, the focus of the spanking is not because she was "bad", but rather she is being spanked to help her improve herself. In this way, your discipline of her is another way you can show her you love and care.

Here is a quote from a woman who loves the thought of being punished for not meeting her own standards of behavior for herself.
"One of my fantasies is to have someone in my life just for the purpose of correcting my faults. He would make me keep a list of all my misbehaviors. Being lazy at work, or late. Eating junk food, or not going to the gym. Being rude to people unnecessarily. I would have to keep a list, and once a week he would come and read the list. Or more. And he would make me describe each incident, he would lecture me about it, he would establish a separate punishment for each offense on the list. And I would be told over and over what I'm being punished for, or would be required to recite it to him. Twelve swats of the paddle for this. Six strokes of the cane for that, you know. He would read them off the list in random order, call me out of the corner at any moment to take my next licking, send me back to the corner afterwards."

This is one of my favorite quotes because it so clearly illustrates the connection between behavior and its punishment. There is no doubt in her mind on why she is being punished and she accepts her punishment knowing how much it will help her to improve her behavior in the future.
For a sub, it is quite a luxury to have a disciplinarian in their life and to not have to rely solely on their own will-power. We all have chores to do that are not particularly enjoyable and if left undone it weighs on our minds and becomes a burden. As her Master, you can provide the "incentive" she needs to get what needs to be done finished and out of the way so it does not hang over her and drain her energy.

The thought and anticipation of being punished for not doing something is often extremely exciting and this enables the sub to tap into her sexual energy to complete her chores. For example, scrubbing the kitchen floor is not much fun but the knowledge that she's in for a good spanking if it's not completed can add tremendous sexual energy to her task.

You can also assist her in this by telling her that her work will be "inspected" and if not found adequate she'll be disciplined. By the way, the word "inspection" is a very *hot* trigger for most subs. Knowing her work will be reviewed helps her to focus on the task at hand to do the kind of quality job she really wants to do but has to struggle with finding sufficient energy.

Punishment as a way of Absolution and Forgiveness
Another aspect of being "punished" is that it allows her to let go of any self-imposed "guilt" over her behavior. This is especially important for those women who strive to be perfect and have the tendency to be self-critical. This can be compounded if she was raised in an environment where past mistakes were never forgotten but were continually brought to her attention.

When she is punished, she can face her mistake, accept her punishment as a motivation to improve (not for being "bad"), be completely forgiven and then to happily move on.

Some Cautions over Punishment Spankings
Since a punishment spanking is going to be harder for her to endure than one given for pleasure, you want to be sure she is in the right mental head space for taking one. In other words, she must feel the spanking is deserved, so my advice here is never punish her for something left unclear. Make your rules very clear and specific so she knows *exactly* when she is breaking them. If it helps, set time deadlines so she can't claim she was "just going to do it."

Another caution here about being consistent. If you punished her one week for breaking a rule and let the same infraction go the next, you are giving her very mixed and confusing signals which will make it difficult for her to take your control seriously, and this will have very negative consequences to both your roles. She will need to test you until she feels secure you are going to follow through so *be consistent* -- this is extremely important.

Preparing her for Punishment
A punishment spanking is often more filled with ritual than most any other scene and draws very much on her anticipation of an event that she knows will be a test and challenge to her.

Sending to her room to await you should excite her greatly even though she knows the spanking may not be that enjoyable. Making *her* fetch the implement used in her correction is an added erotic embarrassment. You may want to have her strip in advance and go to the corner to reflect upon her infraction and what steps she is going to take in the future to avoid a similar lapse. Or, you may want to have her place herself face down on the bed with a pillow under her hips and paddle beside her. If you want to see just how exciting the anticipation of a punishment can be, have her wait at least 10 minutes before you come into the room and then check her for wetness.

You may want to lecture her on her behavior, emphasizing *exactly* what she did to earn this correction, and during the spanking itself, pause several times and give her the chance to promise better behavior in the future. This is important as it keep the emphasis on the punishment as motivation to improve her behavior and not because she was "bad" or displeased you for not getting it done.

The focus of a punishment spanking is less on her pleasure (even though it will at least initially be very exciting) so you may want to give her less of a warm up than usual before increasing the intensity of the spanking. If you tell her in advance how many strokes she is to be given it may help her to endure the spanking knowing when the end will come. If this is the second spanking for the same offense, be sure to increase the number of spanks so she gets the idea that a future lapse will be met with more severity.

As further confirmation of your roles, after the spanking she should thank you for taking the time and effort to discipline her, and then it's up to you if you want to ravish her or send her to the corner! The point I'm making here is that even though this is "punishment" there's no reason it can't end in pleasure for her. After all, she has been "punished" and all is forgiven.

Some alternate punishments may be requiring her to write a certain number of punishment lines. This is more of a childhood punishment but is very effective as it has less eroticism connected with it than a spanking.

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR SLAVEGIRL (in ways she'll love)

Here are some suggestions on how to enjoy your slavegirl, get your way, and at the same time emphasize the depths of her submission.

Exploring Embarrassment
One wonderful aspect of d/s is that it lets you explore so many emotions in safety. When done with love and care, embarrassing your slavegirl can be an extremely intense experience for her and one that will make her feel very controlled. When you give her an embarrassing task and she obeys, it is a way you can both feel the strength of your respective roles. Her obedience in being embarrassed proves to you both that she is your slavegirl and will do whatever you ask of her. As her Master, you want to think of as many ways as possible to demonstrate this and you will feel that your control of her is as complete as possible.

Many ideas for increasing the depths of her submission utilize embarrassment in one form or another. One point to keep in mind is not to intrude upon the privacy of other people who do not understand the kinds of exploration that goes on in a d/s relationship. Be creative and you will find many ways she can be thoroughly embarrassed in front of others while being the only one that knows the real reason she is acting as she is.

Positions
There is a direct connection between your subs physical position and her mental/emotional state. Kneeling before you will instantly put her in a submissive state. Have fun exploring positions and be sure she maintains the proper position and keeps good posture at all times.
If you are relaxing on the couch reading or watching TV, call her over to you, perhaps you will use a "pet" name for her as a signal that she is now your slavegirl and has no choice but to obey. Tell her to kneel at your feet for awhile and that she is not to move or speak until given permission. Have her pay attention to her posture, and if she slouches give her a correction of some kind. Perhaps putting her over your lap for a few quick spanks before having her resume her position or by simply giving her nipples a few pinches. Of course, the next time she gets careless with her posture, the correction will be a bit stronger. In this way, she will know that she is there just for you and that though you don't feel it necessary to be actively engaged with her, she also knows that you are paying attention to her and are enjoying her company.

Another suggestion would be to put her on shoulders and knees in front of you and bare her bottom. She is your slavegirl and if you want to enjoy her feminine charms you may at any time. You might also tell her to reach back and spread her cheeks so you can better enjoy the sight of your little pleasure slave. If you wish, tease her a little with some caresses and then go back to your book or television program.
One of my favorite activities is to have a crop handy and on occasion to give her a few nice swats for no reason other than you enjoy seeing a few stripes on her cheeks. She will LOVE this and it makes clear that you enjoy giving her these sensations as much as she loves receiving them. I'm sure you will notice an instant sexual reaction to being subject to your control in this way. Crops are wonderful because not only can you redden her bottom with them, you can also use them to tease and caress her pussy. Alternate a few more strokes with pleasuring her and then as a wonderful embarrassment, moisten the tip of the crop with her wetness and gently press it against her lips and have her lick it clean. In this way, she has to admit to herself how excited she is by what you are doing to her. You are reminding both her and yourself of how much she loves being your slavegirl and she no longer has to "hide" the intensity of her sexual reactions to being your slave.

Focusing her Attention
To send her even deeper in her submission, focus her attention. For example, while she is still on shoulders and knees, balance the crop across her hips and tell her she is to not let it fall. So now, not only is she in this sexual and submissive position, but she must concentrate on obeying *your* command and this lets her focus on you and allows her to demonstrate just how important obeying you is to her. Of course, I don't need to tell you what should happen if she does squirm and let's the crop fall, do I? The only question here is does she get just six strokes or twelve?
A very erotic example of focusing her attention is to instruct her to keep her nipples hard for you during a specific playtime.
Focusing her attention on you is very important for it let's her draw on her real desire to please you by being a good slavegirl. This is both a challenge to her and also something she very much wants to do. Much of the formality of d/s is to find ways you can both very clearly express your care for each other.

A Sweet Torment
Another very exciting idea is to place her in this shoulders and knees position and to play with her sexually. Enjoy her slight moans of pleasure for awhile and then firmly tell her she is not to make any sound at all as you continue to tease and caress her. Be very clear that if she breaks your rule, there will be a consequence... Such a sweet torment, isn't it? If she reaches the level of excitement where she does let a moan of pleasure escape her, you have the choice of going back to your book for a time leaving her to await your touch or to "punish" her with a nice spanking before resuming. This is the kind of spanking that I personally love the most. It is a "punishment" for moaning, but it is also for her pleasure and yours. Of course, the spanking will only excite her all the more and make it even more difficult to keep silent as you instructed -- but that's the whole idea!

Ice
Since I like this image so much, I'll continue a bit further! The next time she moans, have her bring you some ice cubes and then get back in position. If her bottom is sufficiently warm at this point slowly rub the ice cube over her reddened cheeks. For many women, this is an exquisite sensation.
Just a quick aside here... this is a good example of something she may *want* to experience but cannot ask for. This is where your strength, initiative and creativity as a Master all come into play. Don't be afraid to experiment with giving her new sensations.

As the ice becomes smoother, rub it slowly over her inner lips and pussy. You may chose to insert it into her vagina or if it is sufficiently small and smooth slide it slowly into her tight little bottom.

Asking Permission
Another way you can constantly remind her that she is under your control is by having her ask your permission. The more of her own independent action is restricted, the more her submission will increase.

One example that emphasizes this as well as serving as a subtle embarrassment is to have her ask your permission to visit the bathroom. This touches upon the idea of her losing certain personal privacies which can increase the intimate bond between you both. If she blushes, it's a good sign!
If you take her out to a restaurant take away her menu and decide on her meal yourself. This will not only increase her submission to you, but also relieves her of having to make a decision for herself.

Another very romantic and even more embarrassing experience for her would be to order nothing for her and then feed her from your own plate. From time to time, place a tasty morsel on your fork and have her lean forward to take it from your hand. I think this is a very sweet way for her to feel close and dependent upon you.

It's very common not to allow a sub to climax without first being given permission. She is "allowed" pleasure only upon your command which will emphasize your control over her. It also increases the anticipation of finally being given permission which can hold her on the edge of a climax for an extended period which will build its intensity.

Not only may she not climax without permission, but she may not even be allowed to touch herself without permission. By setting this rule for her, you are making her admit her desire to touch herself by asking for your permission which is also a way for you to know how excited she has become by your commands.

You may want to try holding her right at the edge of a climax and then order her to come for you in a commanding tone of voice. You may find this has a remarkable effect. Some women have the ability to be trained to climax on command and there are various techniques that can be used to accomplish this though I won't go into them in this document.

Pulling her Hair
One very *hot* erotic trigger for many subs is having their hair pulled. Not in a hurtful way, but as a very sensual experience. For many women, this can be an extremely powerful turn on and you may be surprised by her reaction. Call her over to you and caress her hair for a moment before gathering it up in your hands before firmly pulling her face toward you for a passionate kiss -- she will melt in a puddle on the floor!

Treating her as a Cherished Pet
Many submissive women love being treated as a pet. We all know how much love and attention our pets receive and it should be thrillingly embarrassing and sweet -- not at all degrading. Pet's are often kept on a collar and leash too, aren't they?
Try this on a special evening together. Have her undress and kneel before you. Tell her she is to be your pet for the evening and lovingly place her collar upon her and attach her leash to it. Tell her she is to be your sweet little kitty and is not allowed to speak unless given permission. Instead, she must meow and purr to you.

One very erotic idea is to have her purr and meow for you as you caress her. Perhaps, if your loved pet is in "heat", have her rub her little pussy against your leg as a way of begging for more attention. Be sure to bring her to a climax while allowing only mews of pleasure...
It is an incredible feeling to have a woman you love and who loves you napping at your feet while you hold her leash in your hand. Make a little nest of pillows and blankets in a corner and make that her special place. As a pet, she is not allowed to stand or to use the furniture. Perhaps you'll put out a little saucer of milk for her to lap...

A theme such is this gets very much into role-play which can be a wonderful escape from the stress of your lives. It is a unique time when you can forget about being adults and return to the innocent and creative play of children.

Anal Play
For some women, anal play is the ultimate in submission and pleasure. Because of the privacy and intimacy of the area, it is very difficult for her to ask for you to touch her there. This is another time when your authority as her Master to do whatever you wish no matter how embarrassing it may be for her is essential. Talk to her about her feelings on this matter. If she admits a desire for anal stimulation, suspect that she may enjoy your playing with her there much more than she may be able to admit. As always, this is something you should have many conversations about. There are some women who absolutely hate any type of anal play.

Not only is slipping a well lubricated finger into her bottom erotic, it is also a tremendous reminder that she has lost all privacy with you and creates a strong reminder of her submission to you. To bring this to her attention, I like to make the sub play an active part in this intimate surrender by having her squeeze my finger.

Anal play most often includes the use of a bottom plug which is a wonderful way to keep her in a submissive role while going about her chores around the house or even out in public. Keep in mind that for her wearing a bottom plug is not a punishment, but a wonderful reward.
Here is a story related to me that will give you an idea of how exciting the idea of being submissive in public can be and how it can be done in a way that does not intrude on anyones privacy (except hers!).:

"Dinner..fancy restaurant. All dressed up. You order. He hands you a present...beautifully wrapped...tells you not to open it yet... Instructs you take it with you to the restroom. Open it and do as the written instructions say...also to bring back your panties for him... inside of course is a plug....which you are to insert. You then of course have to carefully bunch your panties into your hand or purse and carry them back to him and discreetly hand them over...all the while filled from the plug....and if wearing thigh highs feel your naked flesh against the booth Of course the evening must end with a delicious, erotic spanking.... Maybe in the car in the parking lot...for starters.

SUMMARY

I'll end with a few important reminders.
Make this a REAL experience for your slavegirl.
Be STRONG for her -- she is depending on you.
BE CONSISTENT and don't be afraid to be strict.
Constantly work to improve your communication.
Assume you have NO idea how important her submission is to her.
Love her with all your heart and soul.

HisAngel • Mar 10, 2020

Thank you for taking your time to reply. I will be sure to share your insight with Him. You made a lot of good points and I hope it helps Him get more comfortable the more he learns from others

MasterBear​(other butch) • Mar 11, 2020

See if these help:


https://yourkinkyfriends.com/2018/06/29/livingms/


https://yourkinkyfriends.com/2018/07/08/living-m-s-24-7-part-two-by-master-bear/

NCarraway​(dom male) • Mar 11, 2020

There is lots of really good information here but I feel a little uncomfortable that at least some of this has been cut and pasted from information found online ... for example see this 2013 blog entry (http://blog.beautifullybound.com.au/bdsm/why-she-wants-to-be-a-submissive-the-importance-of-submission.htm). Starts at paragraph 46 or so. Admittedly this 2013 blog does make note that parts of it are a reproduction of an essay from an unknown author, but they do credit the unknown author.

I think we can do better at crediting other's work where we know it is not our own.

Carraway

Re: Tips for new Dominants (potentially)?

NCarraway​(dom male) • Mar 11, 2020

We had a forum discussion some months ago about confidence of new Doms in the bedroom... link is here...

https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=18205&highlight=#18205

There was also a bit in this discussion (but the context may be less relevant to your partner):

https://thecage.co/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=1896&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

I think in general the tips for a new Dominant for the bedroom only are going to be different to tips for a new Dominant entering into a 24/7 dynamic (and probably different to an existing partner establishing Dominance). Tips for a new Dominant in the bedroom are likely to be very 'technique' based.... I am not sure if this is the thing you are after or not!

Carraway

HisAngel • Mar 11, 2020

Thank you 😊 That first forum reference I think will be a lot of help. He's been gaining confidence and as he does I can tell he's really enjoying himself and getting into the roll. I will be sure to share that post with him as well.


And yes I'd imaging 24/7 would be different advice altogether. I don't think either of us have the intention of going that route ourselves but I do love reading about it and what it can entail.

Safe Space

ThatsSirTou​(dom male) • Dec 8, 2020

Safe space, what it looks like, what it means, what it isn't, how to not trip over the edges. I really would like your knowledge about this topic.

Thanks,

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 12, 2021

Patience from both is a must

Not saying no to anything is bs

Everything written whether you read it or write it is just an opinion

Everything starts and ends with consent

What's good for the goose is good for the gander

Soft limits may be good to try while hard limits should be left alone

Learn as much as you can before trying it

Submision, like dominance, is a gift