Who is really in charge?

MyWimpslut​(sub male) • Nov 20, 2017

We are all in control to some degree.
To what degree depends largely on our desires, the person controlling that which is desired the most is the one most in charge.
Let say a Mistress demands tribute in $$$$ ....the person in charge is the one with the $$$$$.
Too tired, not interested, "I have no $$$$$...... sorry".... then later when you're feeling up to it. go bounding up to Mistress/Master/whatever with your $$$$$.... nope..... they want it, they desire it.... just sit patiently by the riverside until they drift by looking for it, then make it sound like you moved heaven and earth to be able to get that tribute and how special it is and watch them dance to your tune tune as you pull their strings.

MsNevermore​(other female) • Nov 29, 2017

Who is in charge, control, holds power is etc. I believe it's a question as old as Eve splitting out of Adams rib.

Right up there with what came first the chicken or the egg?
What does that have to do with anything or why does it matter now which came first? How the hell does it pertains to this topic?

Because it forces one to think, debate and communicate reasoning for which ever side you take on the matter. Same as any D/s, M/s, or S/m relationship should.
If one is still trying to figure out who in the relationship holds the power or dominance then who is the chicken and who is the egg?
Has the time been given to figure out if that egg belongs with that chicken ?? Is it even a chicken egg?? I digress.

But it isn't all that different or difficult to figure out BEFOREHAND who will be or should control the power. As a sub do you know who you are giving that charge or power to? How do you know? As a Dominant do you even know what they are handing you or asking for you to be responsible for? Does it matter and do they know how you feel about it?? Do they know you more than you know them? It matters.

Will there always be that chance that a sub/slave will "pull rank" and withdraw power, of course. But is it because an area wasn't discussed, limits were pushed or incomplete honestly as to ones true nature of either party. Subs don't get off the hook if they portrayed them self to be something their not any more then a dominant should. Lack of communication is and should never be an excuse on either side.

Point being, again, if you are in any relationship currently and asking yourself this, its time to pause and communicate, learn more about each other.

If you are looking to be in a relationship but still wanting to know an answer, the best advise I can give is to stop looking at the control as an action of but more a possession of the relationship.

I hold a possession of the control/dominance of self. If and when I choose to give that control to someone else, I want to know absolutes as to how that possession will be handled and valued. I do not want any doubts as to if and when I may need to "steal" it back. I know and trust who will be in charge because the respect of that was given the time to figure out they were worthy of it.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 9, 2017

This thread makes me think about "flux". Even a sub has to be "in charge" at one point or another. to be able to go "Hey, here's my needs and let's figure out how to get them seen too." Baring that I (personally) find that the dom "calls the shots" more often then not. The exception to this is when a dom or someone yet to get good at being a dom has yet to gain that ability to "handle" the sub. Which will of course vary depending on the sub in question. In which case it's the the sub that's more in charge until said dom or yet to be dom gains said talent of handling said sub. Some people have you pegged right away. Might be both someone you developed feelings for and who has that "magic touch". Others might tie in with the former yet might need some "instruction" with the later.

This then brings us to "teaching" for lack of a better term. Not the kind that can just be taught in a classroom though. But rather the kind that the specific sub wants to be handled. Which is normally found when spending that "bonding time" together.

You see the catch 22, right? The dom can not decide how to handle the sub. Only the sub knows how they need to be handled. Likewise a dom decides how they dom a sub. Both will want and need their own ways of going about that. And one or both might not have a clue how to "handle" each other (technically a sub doesn't handle a dom, but they still need to look after them). With time and effort the two can exist together and everyone can get what they want and need from each other. You know someone is really trying to look after you when they handle you in the way you need. Might be not too good at it at first but with time and effort it hits the sweet spot. Likewise the sub rolling over and looking after the dom makes them happy. Regardless of wherever said dom started good at handling or not it ultimately leads to the same result. Being good at the handling and obeying.

Thing is the sub wants the dom to instruct them. One could argue that it is as much the sub that gets what they need from the dom as much as vice versa. Yet we don't really decide what or how much we need either. All I know is that I need a more firm touch then most. In one case it might be as much for their own entertainment as much as to make me happy. In another case someone might enjoy it because it makes me happy. There is also a lot a sub can do for the dom unasked for. Which can end up making the dom want to be "more controlling". Yet only because the sub controlled themselves to go beyond the "call of duty" with the dom. this in turn might gain some degree of leeway in terms of hesitating or even disobeying orders. Which will vary depending on the seriousness of orders in question. No one really decides how much we feel like another gets away with (both genially speaking and D/s speaking). It's simply something that just is based on actions and events that have taken place which makes us feel like "In a good mood with them". Therefor this ultimately means no one is in charge in that regard, baring ourselves. For we take it upon ourselves to either gives instruction where needed or follow a command without hesitation. Even though we can't decide how we feel in general though what we can decide is the actions to cause such feelings. That is if a dom wants a sub to be quicker on the ball with commands it could be time to use harsh (or soft, even) treatment or make giving instruction a more regular thing. And this ties back in with "lessons". to have the events not be just a teaching process but also being the event itself.

The key difference is probably in being told what to do. Pisses me off when a stranger expect me to do what they tell me. More then happy to do that with someone I know and am close too. I'm a sub but even I have had to go "Here's my neglected needs" to a dom. Such a conversation can start of as "It feels more like a chore" and yet end up with them grabbing you by the collar, giving you a kiss and making more time for you at the end of the same conversation. that actually happened once too. Was quite the unexpected twist. I had to be a bit "in charge" in order to be more handled. That's irony for you.

Having typed out all that I'm only really sure about two things.
One: balls up the communication and everything else falls apart.
Two: when it comes to "Who's in charge" it's as much about "What" is being controlled. Along with how much, but mainly with "what". Examples being "I don't mind/enjoy this done to my body." "I mind being made to do that" and "That action done with me might be something I don't like yet will have it done anyway since you enjoy it".

To that end I suppose the dom is in charge yet the sub decides "what" with. Personally I state the very things I won't stand for being controlled with since it's easier to go "Here's my very limited no list" then a "10000000 yes list". Though naturally I state what I might like more and even what I don't like so much yet wouldn't mind or even want to be done to me anyway. It's that whole "bad with the good" thing. Balancing things out and such. More "good" means I can take more "bad". Though the bad might be good in some cases. As long as the two balance out (rewards and punishments, basically). Gets a little technical from here so that's about where I wrap this post up.