A letter to female submissives (especially newer) from a fellow newer submissive...

A letter to female submissives (especially newer) from a fel

PleasureKitten​(sub female) • Apr 10, 2020

A letter to the female submissives (especially newer) from a fellow newer submissive whose ‘Dom’ attempted to play her...

To all of you lovely ladies known as submissives or whatever pet name (“Darling Fuck Toy”) your Dom has decided to give you...

For all of the ladies near and far who find men here across the country and across the oceans seeking an online Dom / Sub relationship...

This is for you....

Just because he uses all of the buzz words like “mature, open and, respectful” and hangs his hat on trust, open communication and making his sub happy - make sure he actually practices what he preaches.  He may say “I enjoy seeing my sub happy when she does not need to worry...” but is HE the cause for the worry? Are your interactions truly respectful? Is he kind, asking how your day is and is he kind in your daily interactions ?  Does he make the time for you that you need? If you are upset about an element of your d/s dynamic does he take the time to really listen and resolve or does he simply have to go, to leave the conversation, often never to return to the subject unless you try again on a future date “...darling I must go, I’m tired and must sleep...”

Listen to your gut when he first tells you about himself. Does he say that he is single but then only has time to talk to you at work or in the car - never at home?  Being a kind and understanding sub, you may decide, instead of just walking away, to ask him for the truth, but my advice to you is, do not waste your time. Even if you ask and he finally tells you the truth which you are able to accept - “happily married”, what else might he be hiding?  Find someone for whom your gut tells you that what he says and what he does, align. Especially when you are being open and honest about your own life and your needs in a d/s relationship.

Yes the ego of the self-proclaimed alpha male needs to be stroked - but make sure it’s not happening at your expense.  
  
He will tell you he’s very interested and that you have a strong connection (which you do).  “i find that d/s relationships are like rock bands...they come and go...few really stick”. He will send you a questionnaire asking personal questions ranging from your favorite food to your sexual preferences.  He in return will send you his answers. He will tell you he wants to know the “real” you - but he is always too busy to go over the questionnaire together and talk about what each of you wrote .   

Yes he may say he’s interested in “what makes you tick” but do you feel that maybe he’s more interested in simply what he can get out of you for his own needs?  Immediately after your play sessions and he orgasms - does he end your video call like his house is on fire - every time?  And when you politely express yourself about this, is he kind and nurturing or does he simply give you a variety of reasons to explain that’s just how it is?  

He has a busy and demanding job as you do also.  He is often too busy with “work”.  For being his only submissive you find it a bit odd he does not reach out to you - even with a simple good morning text - even when you can see he was online.  You respectfully express this simple desire but you are told that meeting this is often impossible.  Your gut may tell you that he has others and you will politely ask him. He will say things like “i have had multiple subs at once...and didnt work out... “. He will say you’re the ‘one’ and that he has no others - that he is hopeful that you will politely refuse any other Doms who come your way, and that he will do the same with subs if approached.  He will claim that no female submissives approach him on Cage (“think about it..most women are submissive..they wont email first”). Even though he makes it sound as if you and he have embarked on this new adventure together - and only you - he does not adjust the wording on his profile to reflect this, but suggests you put “taken” on yours.  You ask him again respectfully, on a later date if he has others and he replies “you are it! you are enough!!”  You see that he is always online on Cage. When you inquire why, his answer is to read the forums or to “counsel rookie couples”. “darling, you do..trust me, you do.. you are a good part of my life now...do you not know that?”  What he might fail to tell you is that while that may be true about you, it is also true about his dynamic with others.  And you know that may not be a problem - for some of us - but don’t you want that honesty up front?  And if he has asked you be honest and exclusive with him...then shouldn’t it go both ways?  If your gut tells you he is not giving you the respect, honesty, kindness and time that you give him, and that you deserve..and if he won’t provide a straight answer when you ask if he has others (or other questions you might find important) ladies, your gut is always right.  You have a choice. Maybe you are kind, caring and loyal - almost to a fault. His behavior combined with your intuition lead you to politely talk to him again at a later date. Prepare for an evasive answer or perhaps none at all “darling...I must go now...” Do yourself a favor ladies and don’t waste your energy on someone like this who clearly doesn’t care about you the way a Dom should.  

Perhaps, like many of us, being a loyal sub, you decide to stay. You remember the earlier times when his compliments flowed freely, and when you felt a level of trust and openness. Even though you have been told that you found an intelligent Dom who believes that communication is essential; a man who answers on his own questionnaire that the silent treatment is strongly “not preferred”; he will ultimately and abruptly cease to contact you any longer. No argument. No contact. No explanation. No courtesy. No respect. You will see he is online on Cage frequently; as you expected and as he has been...undoubtedly looking to replace you and to continue to add to his list of women he uses to supplement his sex life at home. If you could not see to leave before this occurs - the outcome is still the same. It is liberating; a blessing. It will feel like a ray of light bursting from a dark cloud - one you did not even realize you were under. You are free of a man who is too cowardly to express himself and to tell the truth. A man who has not earned the respect to be given the title of “Dominant”.

I think most of us agree that the gifts of your time and trust and intimacy are some of the most precious gifts to bestow. No matter how much you connect as people, no matter how attracted the two of you might be to each other, if you are not being treated with kindness and honesty and respect, simply go. There are plenty of fish in the sea. In fact he will even answer other’s posts in this forum telling them “remember....a sub does not have to be a doormat..he is not the only one who gets to have say over the relationship..if he is not treating you properly..then..leave..his loss...there are other doms out there who will treat you better and he may learn something for the next time”.  

Read those words carefully.  From a man who himself cannot treat someone with the proper respect she deserves for giving him those precious gifts.  Heed that advice. It is for the best and life goes on. There are many more Doms out there. Leave him to his many submissives while he tells them all “you are the one” and find the right one...for yourself.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Apr 10, 2020

A long read, but DAMN worth it. This should be pinned to the head of the site, it lists pretty much every red flag you can find in someone. Definitely something every new member should see, Doms and subs alike

xCherriex​(sub female) • Apr 10, 2020

This has been a very helpful and informative post. I am sorry that you had to deal with that and it's clear you're really hurt. Whilst I'm no therapist, you can always talk to me if you want and I'd very much appreciate your advice as I'm a new sub myself. I believe subs, especially new subs should have a place where they can talk and give each other advice such like this because places like this do lurk or predators, some looking for a quick fix and other for a human wallet.
Again, thank you very much for this helpful post and much love ❤️

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 10, 2020

@ PleasureKitten

So sorry you went through that. Your advise is spot-on. This is *exactly* what an HNG sounds/looks like.

These toads not only don't deserve the title "dominant", they don't deserve to be called men. They are a scourge.

Golden69Dom • Apr 10, 2020

Hello miss,
My name is S, lovely to meet you.
Happy self-isolation!

I most certainly am not a 20 something "baby dom".
I have been overtly and covertly practising most aspects of BDSM as a Dominant and Master for the past 30 years. However, I am not 60+, overweight, socially retarded and have never had a longterm relationship with another human lol, I was simply blessed to be made aware of voluntary sexual power exchanges very young.

Your comments are very insightful and quite obviously heartfelt, thank you for sharing, I learned again how diverse our lifestyle can be again, very cool!

As a person who was a submissive as a young man and after realising my own truest potential became a 100% Dominant, I am slightly unusual in that I 'get' both sides and their needs.

We are both very complex, AND very 'needy'.

As you suggest, the best outcome is balance and mutual appreciation that you each have needs.
Being a good human is critical on both sides and some people are simply just losers and/or dicks with significant baggage no submissive or Dominant could possibly assist with, but it is maturity in your journey that allows you to see these people early. Hindsight is always perfect!
Emerging Dominants need to remember that without a voluntary submissive they cannot practice their Dominance, and the submissives need to allow for that Dominance to occur to get what they require from the person they require that Dominant to be.

Your comments around isolation and exclusion are very valid, though it sounds as if you understand this is where the greatest bond will occur. My counsel is simply to ensure that 'someone' in your most intimate confidence knows your engaging in this lifestyle so you can remain safe from the predators (and it seems you may have experienced some).

Very happy to discuss further and potentially assist as requested
I hope to chat further miss.

S
xo

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Apr 10, 2020

Oh dear god, that made me barf XD Bro. DM stuff like that.

Bunnie • Apr 11, 2020

This broke my heart for you and for all of those this happens to.
These are the predators that those who point fingers help to create. By defining a “type” of predator, these men adapt and become everything a “good dom should be” so that they can slip past the radar and land softly into your heart. I always call them a wolf dressed in teddy bear clothing. And this place is rife with them.

This is a hard and painful lesson to learn... and an even harder one to arm ourselves against. I love your advice of learning to listen to and trust our gut. That is really the only thing we have. Knowledge helps. But even that at times can cloud our judgement.
I always say... “if it feels wrong for *you*... then it is.”
The struggle here though is that this is the person we are entrusting our muddled minds with. We are trusting that their guidance will help to clear the fog of our internal uncertainty. And this is what they play on... our uncertainty.

I am sorry you experienced this. I am sorry that any of us do. I admire your ability to take your lessons from this experience forward with you to not close yourself off to possibility, but to be more confident in your ability to recognise when someone isn’t being genuine.

A very well written and cleverly placed warning to all.
I hope for you that your journey continues towards finding the place that feels like home.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 11, 2020

@Pleasurekitten -
Very well said. I am sorry you have been treated like this. I had a similar experience in recent history and you are right when you said it's better to go than to stay. Depending on how long you have been interacting, it can hurt a lot. For me, I was lucky. It was a very short interaction and he at least had the decency to be honest and say he had 4 other subs, but not until after the first interaction. He did say he pushed things too fast, and he was right. But I let him.
For anyone reading, I want to echo what you spoke of when you said to listen to your gut. I didn't listen to mine. It was stupid on my part, especially because ignoring it in the past has lead to some incredibly traumatic consequences for me. I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I knew better. I went against my own values, but I can tell you that I will not make the same mistakes again. On the bright side of this mess, I have been able to reach out to those in this forum with more experience and get support from those who have the compassion, wisdom and friendship to share as I move forward.
In the process I have struck up one particular friendship that seems to be emerging above the others. He responds in detail to me and our initial interaction started over the post I put in the forum about my experience. We haven't stopped talking since and I have to say I look forward to every message more with each one. He approaches me as a whole person and not someone to service a need. In return we are getting to know each other as friends and that is because of all the mess I went through with the HNG. So all in all, I would have to thank the HNG because if I hadn't had that difficulty, I don't know if I would have ended up speaking with the MAN that I have the pleasure of interacting with now. The good ones are out there. Sometimes we just have to be patient.

Fate • Apr 11, 2020

FANTASTIC post!!!

PleasureKitten​(sub female) • Apr 11, 2020

Thank you to all of you who took the time to read this and to post your support as well as your experiences. To those of you with similar experiences, I am so grateful that we get to learn from each other. My heart reaches out to you for what you may have encountered but I know that you are stronger for it. And for those who have given me guidance and shown such support, a heartfelt thank you. 💜