Why it so hard to find a true Dominant?

MsNevermore​(other female) • Nov 29, 2017

1. Take True out of your question
2. Define Dominant
3. Ask someone else their definition of Dominant

Was it exactly the same as yours?
So whose definition as the true one?

Reading through some really great comments so most has been covered but to add my favor to it:

I have had countless people ask me if I am a true sub. I always say yes.
Yes to my definition of what is true to me.
There is no, repeat after me, NO One True definition to a true anything in this lifestyle. And there shouldn't be, only true to ones self and through that finding another whose definition of their true self is compatible.

So again look to define what Dominant means and would be true to you. Don't knock someone if their definition of self doesn't match just move on. All it means is they weren't true/right for you.

Reflect on what your definition of true submission is for your self and life. Is it what you are projecting to others? I don't know you so this is a question not an opinion or observation.

Everyone started somewhere and yes at times it seems the gremlins got wet while eating pizza at 12:01.
What I personally think would help all involved is to simply start asking what another's definition of self is (whether Dom or sub) and see if its compatible with our own. Yes, great proceed. No, wish them well or actually discuss with them how their definition differs from your own.

I'd have to say

Domsir239​(dom male) • Dec 3, 2017

Your liking to a certain Dominant may not be complete with all you seek in your Dom , however your Dom should be learning constantly about you and what you need.. This is something you should work on because pleasuring is what he seeks so find ways to make him proud to have you as his submissive

Cuvysubmissive​(sub female) • Dec 4, 2017

OP,
Its a hard journey for everyone. Male, Female, They/ Doms, subs, switches. But After seven years on and off the scene(about two years ago I decided I wouldn't date again unless they where in the scene) I understand that the journey can be disheartening. For me since I want the long haul, I look for not just someone that wants to Dominate me but also a partner. I will say that if anyone tells me time is the key I might flip. haha. In the seven years I've been exploring BDSM I have only been Dominated once during a scene. Sure I've played with Tops or people that just want to spank me but theres a difference. At lest to me, others have their own thoughts and feelings.

One of my Domme friends and I had been talking a few months back. She had had a great pick up scene earlier that day and I made a joke of "Wish me luck, Im aiming for a scene myself tonight" and she replied back with just have patience you'll meet some one when the time is right. .....Whaaaa? Im still confused on how the two related, it also makes me giggle sometimes.

But anyways I understand its a hard journey sometimes. And I wish you along with the Doms, subs and Switches out there looking the best of luck.

SouthernFire​(sub female) • Dec 4, 2017

I agree. There is only what we/subs consider to be true in the Dom that we are seeking. I have been also told time and again to be patient and weed through the many Dom's that I come across, to know what I myself and looking for. To be patient is the key. Not to submit quickly and to spend lots and lots of time talking to a potential Dom and get to know them.

Sheepdog1​(dom male) • Dec 4, 2017

One of THE main reasons why it is so hard to find a Dom is that for every one true Dom, there are 100 wanna-be Doms, A.K.A. " On-Line Doms ".

Not every male is a Alpha-Male. Not that Alpha-Males are any better, but we are leaders and we lead. This usually evolves from intense training and intense real-world experiences. Of course, there are Alpha-Males that are not Doms at all.

Any boy can be a " Dom " on this website, or any other website, and play " Let's Pretend " !! We all did that in our childhood, but sadly most men do not have the confidence, experience, intestinal fortitude, knowledge, and Alpha blood running in their veins, thus they must come on here and ' pretend ' to be something they are not in order to make themselves feel good.

Don't take this the wrong way......personally I am far, far from perfect and I am not an expert. In fact, anyone claiming to be an " expert " Dom is probably playing the " Let's Pretend " game. I also know and understand that EVERY single Dom / sub relationship is unique and different. No two are alike. It does take time, effort, and desire to search out that Dom and/or sub that is a match for you......trust me, I know !! I have been searching for approximately 12 months now. But by using common sense, intelligence, and following your gut feelings you can probably weed-out 99 percent of those wanna-be's, " on-line Doms " and " Let's Pretend " boys on here.

Just my $ .02

Why is it do hard to find a true Dominant?

columbuscut • Dec 4, 2017

It is all about the old from me to you thing. As long as alleged Doms and subs care more about others than about their own happiness and state of soul and as long as they prefer to write about what they believe their potential counterparts do wish to read things cannot work. One may call this managing the expectations, others call it being precise and honest. Without that true from me to you thing you will never be able to trust. Most so-called Doms are not Doms as well as most so-called subs are no subs. This means that one needs to feel the heart which always needs time.

SirPain​(dom male) • Dec 4, 2017

I've been in this lifestyle for over 30 years. I've seen so many, of both subs/slaves and doms/Masters, come and go. It seems they are here one day and gone the next.

As some have already stated, there are those, both subs/slaves and doms/Masters, who believe that being on here will get them laid. And maybe it does happen that way...for some. But this lifestyle is not about sex. Yes it does have its sexual overtones (nudity, fisting, etc) but that's such a small part of what should be happening. So many want to "hook up" right away. OK! So some guy decides he wants to hook up with a woman right away. Does he really know who or what she is. Maybe he should have taken the time to find out that her real name was Eileen Wornous (you remember, the I-95 hooker who killed several men in Florida). Or maybe she should have taken the time to find out that his real name was Ted Bundy. Unfortunately, not many want to take that amount of time. Like in todays society, they want instant gratification.

As for myself, I normally want to talk, online, for at least several days before we go on to texting, then maybe phone calls, and eventually a meeting in a very public place for conversation about the lifestyle and our vanilla life.

The only problem I have with my approach is that not many women are willing to go that distance to find someone like me. Like the saying goes, "Are you looking for Mr. Right or Mr. Right now?" To me getting to know someone is so very important, not only their kinks, but their vanilla life also.

Sheepdog1​(dom male) • Dec 4, 2017

Well said, Sir Pain. Although I am not a sadist, I agree wholeheartedly with what your opinion is above.

Tippin the cowboy hat to ya, sir.

KinkyDom28​(dom male) • Jul 18, 2018

I've been finding it very difficult to find a sub. Must not be too many submissive women where I'm from :/ Oh well.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jul 18, 2018

Dom and sub style relationships are also in many ways just like a vanillas, you need to take the time to get to know each other, understand and respect boundaries and after time it is still possible to grow apart as people but for BDSM this could also mean growing apart with conflicting likes/wants. All relationships are difficult at times. The phrase topping from the bottom gets thrown around a lot too, in my personal experience this can be a way of exploring other areas such as a service top position (if the person is not aware that exists then it can be difficult to communicate) the point is people grow and change over time BDSM is no different in this respect, an investment of time in each other learning likes and dislikes (kink and non kink) just as you would do with any other relationship helps. Just my perspective, also we where all new once, it can be a confusing time to begin with.