A question for the subs

A question for the subs

Bunnie • Dec 9, 2017

An interesting question came up in a conversation I’ve had recently and I thought it was a great topic to get feedback on, so here it is. To the subs... When searching for a Dom/me, do you search exclusively for an experienced Dom/me, or would you consider an emerging Dom/me ... and why?

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 9, 2017

That's a tough one. "emerging" can mean either someone who has had unrealized "dom" tendencies, for lack of a better way to put it, for a long time but has never really put these drives into practice, or someone who is young and looking to get into "the lifestyle" (not a favorite expression of mine but nevertheless applies) for the first time.

I don't want to be one to spew out a verbose non-answer, so to get right down to it, he or she would have to be able to observe hard limits and be mindful of soft limits. Subs are human.

As I am 33 years old the likelihood of my giving myself to a new, young dom is lower than giving over to someone older than myself who is new to this stuff, so this reply is but one take on a complex question. Any dom I may end up with would also need to be on the sadist side of the equation.

hope this helped-- a little anyway.

Bunnie • Dec 9, 2017

Yes, I find myself much of the same mind. Thank you for your post Miki.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Dec 9, 2017

For me personally, i would only consider an experienced one at this point in time, i would be too difficult for a newbie after experiencing being a switch for a year. I find it would be unfair on a newbie as im not in a position to help them. In the future and in the past i would happily help but only if im able too. I have nothing against newbies learning and its important but the sub needs to be secure in her place and self before taking this on. Just my perspective anyway. I would be happy to chat and help with the lifestyle in general but having a bratish tendencies is asking a lot from a newbie so i wouldnt feel comfortable to submit to them. Guidelines would also have to be in place too.
Rose
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sugarella • Dec 9, 2017

I've learned that someone's level of experience isn't a reliable predictor of enjoyment or chemistry, so I don't use that as a factor in my searches anymore.

When I started exploring kink, I gravitated towards experienced Dom/mes because I felt they were the most capable of teaching me what I needed to know. Now that I'm more confident and comfortable with myself, I'm realizing that I can also learn a lot by teaching someone else. My current play partner can be described as "emerging"—very dominant personality and preferences but completely unfamiliar with BDSM as a structured discipline. Helping slowly ease him into this brave new world is also guiding me through unfamiliar territory for myself. I'm re-exploring some things I took for granted as "basics" and learning that they're not so basic after all. That, and there's something incredibly satisfying about being able to witness the moment someone first discovers they enjoy spanking as a recreational past time... ;p

So in summary—experience isn't as important for me these days. What's important is the patience to teach, and the humility to also learn, which are qualities you can find in established and new Dom/mes alike.