What is a submissive really?

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • May 4, 2020

@ Tallslender.....
I think you are correct, he may have unwittingly assumed the girl status in his response, but I am glad you find it applicable in your own way. Male or female, a sub mindset is just that, a mindset. I am glad to have your feedback here. 🤗

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 4, 2020

Aww, thank you for making me and my thoughts feel welcome, and honestly i didn't feel un-welcome to give my perspective here.

So everyone understands, i wasn't the least bit off-put, quite the opposite. It makes total sense to me that a straight Guy or guy is going to think and direct comments/posts accordingly. i find it endlessly fascinating exploring all this stuff and discussing it with others with similar wiring, it's really nice to have friends and not be alone with who we are.

i'm particularly interested in understanding the intrinsic differences vs nurtured differences as pertains to masculine and feminine. Traditional culture equates man=masculine, woman=feminine. It seems that most of our culture is starting to see things are not that cut and dried. i also am continuously looking at what 'really' (if there is such a place?) constitutes "feminine" or "masculine." Ask that question and one often gets the reflexive culturally conditioned definitions vs a individually reflective viewpoint. i, for instance, am not "fem" by most standards. i'm not ultra masculine either, they won't be putting my pic on paper towels any time soon, but i've cleared land with a chain saw and have owned several trucks lol. i don't have a secret desire to wear spike heels and lipstick, yet have experienced a few instances where i was femmed by a Man and thoroughly 'collared' by it in ways that left me simultaneously shocked and aroused. i suspect there is something there, but it was maybe almost created by employing my submissive nature? But sub isn't the same as "girl" or "fem"?, even though they often seem equated? idk

i sometimes feel like i may be wedging in, and tend avoid some of the threads that are in "Dominant Men/Submissive women or Dominant Women/subissive me," because i think they may not want a non-straight perspective, even though i can relate to a lot of stuff written there. And that's fine with me, i don't want to invade someone's turf.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • May 4, 2020

@tallslenderguy

You aren't invading in the slightest. I'd be interested in learning your perspective on what I've written in my blogs wrt to dominance and submissiveness, if you have a spare moment, (or ten).

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • May 4, 2020

Please invade away. I am fascinated by much of the same. Inter-family dynamics will keep me talking for HOURS.... just ask Rich.... LOL
I find your responses textured and informed. I like those, and we need more of them in all forums. I would strongly encourage you to not withhold your opinion because you think someone else may not appreciate it..... those that can't accept it wont, but others who can will still get to hear what you have to offer.

It is earned

TruckinDaddy​(dom male) • May 20, 2020

Submission is earned. Each person has a passion that can be tamed or fueled. But throw water of a campfire and it burns out. Throw water on a grease fire and it explodes. Just have to find that one thing that perfectly fits your fire.

howdoIsub{✔Collared✔} • May 20, 2020

I think because I am so dominant in my day to day life is WHY I want to submit so badly. To let someone else take charge and handle different situations. Especially when it comes to pleasure. A vanilla hook up can be steamy at points but once its done then its done. From my experience. There is no recognition of doing something really well, and if you do something wrong its stored for a later argument. To sub in my hopes would be a whole other level of communication. With immediate reactions, aftercare, and the ability to move on to strengthen your bond. It would be so freeing for me to have both partners on the same page so there is no nagging to be done and the feeling of being over worked to dissolve into knowing that I'm working for a purpose. This is all just a hope of where I can get to. Hopefully its not just a fantasy.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 20, 2020

i don't know if i understand what you are saying, so my response may be presumptuous?

It reads to me like your are describing the vying for position that seems to happen in all relationships? i don't necessarily mean pecking order by "position." i think one of the primary reasons we look for and get into relationship is for 'love'. Then we often seem to make "love" into something fuzzy, ethereal and hard to nail down. Love seems centrally important to me, a need that binds us all together, so i've tried to get more of a handle on what it is. i do think love has a mysterious, feeling side to it, but i also think it has a practical, understandable side. i have tried to break it down, simplify it for my brain to try and make it a more doable discipline ("discipline" is only a partial descriptor for me, but i needed to put a word there besides "thing," that doesn't sound very intelligent lol).

A working definition of "love" for me is the practice of looking and listening, seeing and hearing, then acknowledging and affirming the value of what i see and hear. The definition makes love more functional for me, which is not to say "easy." i think we are conditioned to treat love like a state we have achieved. We have phrases like "falling in love," as though love is a mud puddle or something we stumble into. And i do think love has that angle to it, but i think we more often fall into chemistry, not love. i think having (even some) chemistry with a person makes it easier to choose and practice love with them. i see a lot of D/s as a search for and discovery of chemistry. "Me Dom, you sub, opposites that attract and bond." Of course, it's never that easy because we are complex creatures with a lot of elements and the trick seems to be finding enough 'chemistry' to where we don't separate when we are resting on the shelf, that we don't have to be continuously shaken up to blend.

Sorry, i had to build a little bit of structure to house this.

my read of "there is no recognition of doing something really well," is that there is no love being practiced at that moment.
my read of "doing something wrong is stored for a later argument" is immaturity and/or a lack of love in the relationship.
i don't think love comes naturally, i think we can choose to do it, or not, given probably hundreds of opportunities a day (and i would refer back to the simple definition from earlier for my own functionality). Given the earlier (albeit incomplete) definition of love, i see "argument" as a sort of pleading for love? Each is vying to be "seen, heard, acknowledged and affirmed as having value."

howdoIsub{✔Collared✔} • May 20, 2020

tall slender guy..
What I was trying to say in the easiest of ways is you don't get the "good girl" or "good boy" acknowledgement in everyday life. I feel like compliments have all but fallen off the table. Even in relationships, if you go out of your way long enough to better someone else it just becomes expected and when something comes up and you can't make it out of your way, you become a disappointment. For me that disappointment would eat away at me until I would become self destructive because I expect better of myself. If you have someone that will hold you accountable, hold you to your own standards, and hand out consequences when you fail. It eliminates the need for *for me* to not continually dwell on that.

I am in awe of your understanding of love, and ability to actually put it into words. That is not something I would be able to do. And your explanation of non existent, lacking, and pleading has definitely given me so much to think about. Even the minimal amount being how much love am I putting into something, and is it being returned. Thank you for replying.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 20, 2020

howdoIsub,

Thank you for your kind words.

Funny you use the terms "good girl" or "good boy." The one time that phrase was used with me by a Man, it seemed genuine on His part (i.e., not just an effort to manipulate me, He seemed to really be impressed and mean it) and the effect was it exploded my desire to please Him. It was reciprocal, symbiotic. The more He recoginzed and (literally) praised my efforts, the more i wanted, almost needed, to be better.

i don't think love can be sustained if it is one sided. i think love feeds on love and if everyone practiced it, there would be enough for everyone. But everyone seems afraid to give and not get, or get enough, in return. i think both have to make a conscious effort to love, and i think 'good' chemistry makes that more doable.

howdoIsub{✔Collared✔} • May 21, 2020

Isn't that a giant part of being a sub? To genuinely be acknowledged and praised for being good at being you? Its like the whole training with rewards vs training with punishment. As much as I enjoy a good punishment for being sassy, I need that celebration of something good, so I can't try and top that and make it even better the next time! Maybe thats the little in me talking?