Is having a secret dom considered cheating?

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 26, 2020

If you feel the need to ask this question, you already know the answer.

RayBug • May 26, 2020

If you have to ask, then you know the answer.

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • May 26, 2020

you say it is with a dom and yet you are in a relationship with a woman. this is not that odd of an occurrence as you might think being a dom is only half of the problem the other half is that it is a male being bi ourselves it may be more the fact of his sex then his style. is the one you call your partner also bi this is important if she is and submissive you may have the makings of a triad. but you should test and see if your partner would consider this with you as more of a switch both you and he may be dominate to her and you both be happy. good luck and let us know how it goes

PiercedHeart​(dom male) • May 26, 2020

To me, this question needs a more fundamental inspection.
First of all, the word "cheating" has EXTREMELY negative connotations, esp when it comes to relationships...the unexpressed rule is that if either:
a) you are not in a one-on-one relationship, or
b) your partner is not informed and consented to an additional relationship. that you are suddenly a horrible horrible person
NO!!
This is a very wrong societal attitude
Lets begin by quitting calling it cheating, and start calling it need-meeting...it is not a crime to get one's needs met, and one should not be treated like a criminal for doing so!!...
if everyone in a relationship thought that way, then there would be a lot more honest discussion about getting one's needs met, instead of having to sneak around to do so!!!

JadeMermaid​(sub female) • May 26, 2020

Cheating is being unfaithful to established boundaries between you and another person. I am bi and poly. I have boundaries and rules set up with my partners that are individual to each dynamic. Example:

Rules between myself and Partner #1 - no topping/bottoming with others without prior discussion and approval. no play or sexual relations with others without discussion or prior approval. - So if I went and decided to go develop a dynamic and not tell my partner. Yes it's cheating

Rules between myself and Partner #2 - you can meet, develop, and start a D/S or Top/Bottom dynamic with someone before telling me. But if it goes beyond 10 days, we need to notify the other so it's clear time and commitment is going to now be divided. - So starting a dynamic in that relationship is not cheating. But keeping it hidden for prolonged periods would be.

Cheating comes down to violating established boundaries and rules between you and another person.

Dellydoodah​(neither female) • May 26, 2020

Talk to your partner , tell her how you feel about your submissive needs. Wouldn't you want to know the feelings of your partner?

as for is it cheating..Would she see it as you cheating?
Would it be cheating the Dominant that you might meet here?

What would happen if she found out?
are the stakes worth it?


Only you can answer to yourself in this matter

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 26, 2020

Preamble: i offer this as just my thoughts and perspective, not a right or wrong judgement or conclusion.

i am so sorry you are going through this. There is so much more to this than we who respond can be aware of. You mention how your relationship with her (if i read you correctly?) "is frowned upon in [your] country," so secrecy for self preservation is already a part of your relationship and a part of your cultural conditioning. It is hard, and i think wrong and an uncivilized environment for the two of you. You have formed a bond of safety with this person, in an unsafe place. You found someone who meets some of your needs, and they meet some of yours, in a place where your needs are "frowned upon." We often to not enter a relationship with a lot of thought and consideration. We feel a starving need and a person that nurtures that, and we end up going there to live. Some needs can hide others, or be greater and take precedence, but once it or they are met, others start to surface. We can learn about ourselves in self reflection, but we also reflect in the mirror of relationship. i think relationship can be part of the process of self discovery and, hopefully, growth.

Again, there's so much more to this than meets the eye.

May i suggest you try and step outside your feelings of self condemnation and try and view this matter of factly? i know that is probably impossible to do, but maybe try and set those feelings on a shelf for a bit, not suggesting you would get rid of them, just try and put them in a place where they do not totally dictate your response?

Next, i'd suggest, in your mind, you reverse the situation. What thoughts and feelings would you have if the table was turned? Go beyond the question of "cheating" ( i think this is about far more than "cheating"?) and try to uncover every thought and feeling you would have. That's not a perfect exercise because we all feel and react to situations differently, it's more an exercise and attempt at empathy.

A few things maybe to throw in to the consideration. i think your primary struggle is with need and fear. You need something/s that you are not getting in this relationship, and you fear so many things? Maybe try to identify and list for your self all the things you need and fear?

my personal feel is, our intimate relationships need to be a safe place where we can fully realize and be our self.