Newbs

Newbs

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 7, 2020

Ive notivmced there has been a lot of new ppl coming on in the last few months. Yea I know, most of them are coming out of their own respective closets cause they're not suposed longer out of the house. The thing is that most news posting questions are guys and most gals posting are asking about things to help them get back into the community. I dont want to sound sexist, but what could there be about the female news that would stop them from posting questions as compared to the males or even the slightly experienced women?

nerdygirl​(sub female) • Jun 7, 2020

There could be many causes, honestly. For myself, I am spending time perusing blogs and forums, while fending off the sharks. They tend to automatically swarm around "fresh meat," and it is rather nauseating. Many people carry unseen baggage such as low self esteem, abuse, or just plain fear, and it colors their every move. Women also tend to be more reserved in initial interactions than most men, I have found. We don't just jump in. Heck, I typed and deleted this reply 4 times before I decided it was ok for me, a noob, to reply. Hope this helps.

Fallible Malleable • Jun 10, 2020

I’m not sure it is a gender thing per se but for people that are new to the BDSM/Kink world, or at least in my situation things can be intimidating and overwhelming and therefore it can be difficult to formulate and articulate a proper question. How can you inquire about something when you don’t know or understand what it is you want to ask about?
I’ve had a user on here for a few months now but still have so many parts of the forum and blogs to read through. I think for some we’d rather dig through the information to make sure a topic hasn’t been covered or our answer can’t be found any place before we pipe up and ask something. Some folks would rather have the information dropped before them then sift through postings. Although I will add that sometimes information does change and people do have additional insight or experience to share so asking something that has already been asked isn’t always a bad thing in my opinion. Also, some people might have a hard time admitting that they don’t know something or have a question or curiosity about a topic. Hope my response makes sense.

Re: Newbs

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 10, 2020

Thanks for posting this. i appreciate that you are asking "what there could be about the female that would stop them from posting questions...." As a gay guy, it's not something i have to deal with, but it is a topic of interest and concern for me.

i think whether we like it or not, sexism is a given, and i think it's the automatic, subtle, invisible forms that can be the most deleterious? i'm a white gay male and i have to practice not being sexist. It may be easier for me to accept that it is there because i'm gay and have experienced the other side of implicit bias. I.e., i am not stereotypically 'gay,' plus i have been married to a woman, so most people assume i am straight unless i tell them otherwise. And no one has ever said: "oh yeah, i wondered" when i come out to them, it's always a double take and surprise. Consequently, no one hides their gay views for my consumption, assuming i'm just one of the guys. It's educational. Sorry, i digress.

For me, the short answer to the question you ask: "what could there be about the female...," is in the question, i.e., they are "female."

Just because we may not want to be sexist, does not mean we are not. It doesn't preclude having had it culturally conditioned into us. i include myself in that.

i've noticed that BDSM communities can attract some of the best people of understanding when it comes to issues like sexism and some of the worst oftenders. Who, with eyes and half a brain, has not noticed the "sharks" circling sub women as though they are "fresh meat" (as wonderful nerdygirl points out) who frequent BDSM communities? Just the sharks alone would make me hesitant to swim, yet they are here.

i think the bottom line is: it is safer to be a male than it is to be a woman. As men, we don't think about it because it's not an issue, but women dare not ignore it. As men, i think we can help by being aware, listening (especially to women who point it out) and learning to identify and root out sexism in our selves. i don't think that's a one time decision, but can be an ongoing process because so much of sexism is habit, and habits are not easily seen or broken.

Sasa​(dom female) • Jun 10, 2020

I ask mostly other subs and use the chat and read a lot. Here are some wonderful blogs I follow.
Public posting? mmmhhh, I even thought about answering here.

serenitymuse​(sub female){Orgazmo} • Jun 12, 2020

I agree to some extent with everyone above.
However, speaking for other’s in general never turns out well for me. For me, my brain already feels like it is swimming in a sea of stress hormones these days. My friend has actually noticed that I have a catch phrase since the stay-at-home order “everything will be fine.” I’ll now catch myself whispering it under my breath over and over and over without noticing for a while every time a new stressor is introduced.
Then enter the cage. The place has me swimming in its own sea of hormones. The sexual undercurrent and pent up energy from months without proper release is soaking my already stress hormone soaked brain. I don’t know about other newbie females, but it’s easy for me to feel a little saturated at the moment.

Re: Newbs

wannabepsychology​(sub female){Taken} • Jun 12, 2020

Hello,

Just to make sure I am understanding your question right, you are asking why new female subs are not posting questions in the forums, correct?

Well, me personally, I am in school and was also in a CM position. If I asked a question, without first searching for the answer myself, I would be considered annoying and might even be on the receiving end of negative feedback for not taking initiative.

Also, for myself, I ended my vanilla marriage. So that is vanilla marriage number two. I have children. Now two exes and one of them has nosy family that has searched for me all over online. So I deal with fear of being "found out". I live in Ohio, in a town that is in the middle of a cornfield. Here, whether anyone wants to admit to it, people still raise their young ladies that getting married, bearing children, serving their husbands, and having that stupid white picket fence, is the be all, end all. My kids' friends are jealous of them because I talk openly about everything, including sex. (Not my sex life, but they can ask me anything about it in general). Girls are told not to tempt men by keeping covered, that females should always serve in a role where she has someone over her making the hard decisions for her and if she can't have that then she should consult her husband. With all of that being said, I can be skittish on the internet because of what would be done to my kids if anyone found out, especially because I live in such a backwards area.

curious butterfly​(masochist female) • Jun 13, 2020

I would only post a blog, if I had something I was driven to say. My passion and belief would mean I would care very little about, or if anyone responded. And unless someone could educate me to a different perspective, I stand strong in my beliefs.

If i am neither moved evocatively, nor driven by my quest for knowledge (sharing or learning), I would never post. I would never reply. I need this foundation to give myself the courage to open my mouth and speak up.

Why?
Imposter Syndrome- still learning who I am and where I may or may not fit in this community

Overstepping- as a newibie, I may not know if there is some unspoken etiquette, and there usually is.

Confidence- that anyone even cares about my words or opinions, especially as a newbie

Exposure: as a newbie, so predators(not the good type, whom I prefer to hunt me down, the sleezy imma take advantage of you kind).

Foundation: I need to back up what I say, so i need to be educated. Humiliation is for the bedroom, not public forums and I am not able to take that, so I'd avoid the risk. A lot of people can be dicks in forums.

Life Experiences: females tend to be overlooked. Big men with muscles step over us, and make us look like iddy biddy specs. A submissive woman would be heard less than a Dominant woman... but even a Submissive man May be heard more than some Dommes... when you spend a life knowing to shut up, what else is there?

Sub/Dom: maybe the whole hierarchy of the roles has a play for some (not me), but maybe.

So, if I post, its bravery. I've hummed, and arrrr'd about it, probably even had a mini panic attack. Unless, of course I'm passionately, or emotively driven, or I can use my scientific background....