Sub seeks advice for Domme, please help.

Sub seeks advice for Domme, please help.

lil'slut​(sub male){Collared} • Jun 19, 2020

So my Domme put me on our house. It's like a app where you can get points for completing tasks lose points for not, and claim rewards. We do FLR, Femdom, Sissy stuff, if that helps. Today has been a rough day. I have a yest infection, very annoying, because I am not circumcised, so chastity is out. We do a lot off butt play as you can imagine, however we've done so much "training" it's pretty much a breeze and she is concerned having one in for more than 20 minutes twice a day could be bad for your health. I also had some troubling news about one of the kids. So I claimed the reward "break day". Ofcourse I still submit, still do house chores just more in my time and my body is hands off kink wise. I don't physically feel I could do much more today anyways. Domme said taking a breakday kills the Dynamic and I told her I had read a lot of people do it anyway regardless of earning it (like it maybe scheduled). I also feel and I'm pretty sure she would agree, that besides when I get upset I tend to be very submissive even before BDSM came into our lives. I seem to run the race these days fairly easily. I don't feel challenged as much as I used too and I feel this takes from the Dynamic, however without "topping from the bottom" I have offered to stop and I know she loves it and has told me she doesn't want to (she gets upset). Without pushing herself more in order to push me more.... So in my opinion we have two things going on.

1.) I submit very easily
2.) She doesn't like to give up the power, yet cannot or isn't comfortable going further, maybe not sure? Maybe there isn't much further to go... kinda lost on this one and advice helps.

She has made her own post on another forum and I have made this one. We want to compare opinions and see if we can get back on track.

So....
Basically I feel she can't stop/ doesn't want to or push far enough without going past her comfort.

And, somedays I'd like a break to some extent.

asubmissivetoy​(sub gender fluid) • Jun 19, 2020

I'm aware that you're posting for advice from a Domme specifically, but hoping that some of the below may be helpful.

So, what I'm seeing when reading through this:

1.) Some times a break is needed, or a sort of pause in the dynamic, but both parties don't always want this to happen.
2.) You are interested in stepping things up, and wanting to be challenged more as a submissive, but are seeing some reticence from your Domme.

As far as the first item is concerned, I think having a mechanism in place for both the Dominant and submissive to be able to take "time off" is very much needed in any full time BDSM dynamic. We're all human, and sometimes we need to be able to take a step back and take a break from responsibilities, or to be able to look at what we've been doing from a different perspective. There are many ways this can be accomplished and defined. A break, or day off, doesn't have to mean all D/s in the dynamic stops for that time period, it could be a pause for any new activities instead of a hard stop. This would mean, anything currently in place, or assigned, could continue, but nothing new could be assigned (tasks, punishments, ect.) This would give the sub the underlying structure that is often needed, and still something to occupy some of their time, but without any added stress from wondering if something else if going to come down that they weren't already aware of. This would also give the Dom/Domme the knowledge that their sub is still maintaining that role for them, and that any sort of progress being made towards a goal or towards some conditioning wasn't going to have a set back, just be maintained at the current level for the duration of the break. A break can be a hard stop if it's needed, but I've found something more like the above to be both helpful in continuing the dynamic as well as giving a bit of a release of the pressures of maintaining it when life gets in the way.

As as as the second item. I'm going to give a couple view points here, as I've been on both side of this coin. Keep in mind that with everything in BDSM, my experience may be totally different than everyone else's, so please don't take this as gospel.

As a submissive, especially when giving up orgasm control, or playing in tease/denial dynamics, my want to constantly up the challenge increases as time goes on and seems to do so exponentially. This is usually driven by my own arousal, which builds with time, as well as my perceived accomplishment of something in my Dom/Domme's eyes. Both of those driving forces are very different, but can have a very strong influence towards my mood. This often leads to me having to remind myself that just because I'm feeling incredibly aroused and want to me touched or played with doesn't mean that right that second (or every second of every day after 2-3 days of tease/denial) my Domme is looking for either of those things. Our solution, when frustration builds from these sorts of situations and I start to feel like I am not getting what I want or need quickly enough, is that we take a sort of pause. I've found that kneeling when I haven't been asked to is very helpful. It's a signal that I'm struggling with something, and allows me to non-verbally ask for my Domme's attention and affection in a way that re-enforces my feelings of submission. This is a signal to Her that something needs to be addressed or talked about, and allows Her to acknowledge that something is off and take a chance to either address it right there, or offer comfort and verbally confirm that She understands something needs to be discussed, but ask that it be addressed later, at a better time.

As a Dominant I've often found that my sub find something she's interested in, and wants to work it into the dynamic, or try it out to see if it can be. Occasionally, not often, but sometimes, this has turned out to be something that I'm not overly interested in, or that doesn't do much for my Dominant side. As a good Dominant, and as someone that cares for the well being of my submissive, this is the time to find a way to work it in so they can experience it, and to try and find a way to make it interesting, or accept that it is something solely for them, and communicate that fact so they understand.

As far as some other things I noticed while reading through your post, and would like to offer some advice on:

"Domme said taking a breakday kills the Dynamic"
I can only infer from this what I've seen around me in similar situations, so assuming the root problem here is the same:
Having a hard stop on something like a D/s dynamic, especially if it's about to pick up steam, or has had a steady increase or plan in the Dom/Domme's mind, can be a difficult thing to come back from. It can feel like walking on the sidewalk, while planning an amazing scene with your sub, knowing that it's going to leave them in a messy gooey puddle of subspace at the end, and then taking the next step to find a sudden 3 foot drop. It can be jarring, and sometimes upsetting, which is the last thing you expect when things seem to be going well. This can be difficult to come back from, and only gets better with practice, planning and time. I've found that keeping a list of things I know I enjoy as a Dom, as well as a list of things I know my sub enjoys, and being able to refer to them when I need a sudden "restart" can often get the dynamic rolling again, even if it's is just a soft jump start. The advantage to me is that it gives me time to sort out how to pick things up, without having to worry if I'm giving my sub enough focus, or leaving them wanting.

"I don't feel challenged as much as I used too and I feel this takes from the Dynamic"
I have run into this as a Dom on a couple occasions, and I'm sure it's going to happen again. The only rock solid solution my sub and I have found for this is to sit down and talk it out. What we have found to help facilitate this discussion when it's needed is that the sub can type something up, just a general "how I'm feeling about x" and the Dom can read through it. This next part is important: Take a day or so for both sides to think through the writing. Sometimes our gut reaction, especially in a D/s dynamic, is to take things personally, or get defensive. Taking a little time allows each side to thing about things from more than just the initial reaction. Then sit down and discuss it. This has come in handy when my sub wants to include something new that might be difficult to talk about, or when she wants to express a feeling of me not putting as much into the dynamic as I normally do. The ability to write out all your thoughts and feelings on the matter without interruption can be very cathartic, and allow you express everything you need to (new things you are interested in, things that haven't been addressed yet, new issues that have come up, ect).

lil'slut​(sub male){Collared} • Jun 19, 2020

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. We both thought it was very insightful. Very good suggestions, again thank you for taking the time.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 20, 2020

Comfort zones are actually meant to be pushed. Keep changing, altering and adapting to the situation you don't like until you find a way to adapt to it comfortably.

Depends on a number of factors. Give and take. How you can mix and merge. Even fear and anger gets pretty hot and spicy when you take the right approach to it.

Exposure is needed for this. You probably won't like it at first. But if you're ever going to adapt properly you have to push through it. Mess up, make mistakes. Tell each other what you do wrong then tell each other what to do to make the right moves.

Which is very much on the sub as much as the dom. You BOTH have to take the initiative. You BOTH have to be in control, even if you give it or follow orders and do as you're told.

As for buttplugs, depends how often. I know people that sleep with them overnight at times (on orders. Sometimes I give those orders even). If you're doing that "every" day, wouldn't recommend it. But if it's "Every so often" it's fine.