Getting Comfortable with Safewords?

Getting Comfortable with Safewords?

SuperEight​(sub female) • Jul 18, 2020

I understand that safewords are a very important aspect to a power-exchange dynamic, but as a sub myself, I've found that I am having difficulty using them. I'm wondering if there are excercises I could do or advice anyone has to help me feel comfortable enough to use them when needed? I believe the root of my issue is feeling like I am disappointing my Dom when I use my safewords. I've spoken with Him about this problem, but we've yet to find a suitable solution to help us both. Thanks in advance for any replies!

ConfuzedAvocadoe​(sub female) • Jul 19, 2020

Hello, I don't know if this is something that may work for you. Every dynamic and individual deal with their feelings and habits differently. But this is just one thing I thought of that may help you, or someone who is reading this post.

During play I know how it can be really stressful on a submissive to use a safeword for their Dominant, but it is important to be able to be reasonably comfortable to be able to communicate these things. It makes everyone involved in the activity safe and respected, as well as form a better connection with each other and understanding current limits of both the mind and body. I say 'reasonable comfortable' because safewords should not be taken lightly either. The goal of some dynamics is to be brought to a person's limits, and depending on each individual's dynamic this could be very different. But it is important to try your best, not only for the dynamic, but also for one's self.

This is just advice that I am bringing forward and is not to be taken as absolute truth and wisdom. Each dynamic and individual is different not everyone learns the same.

This is my advice:

First talk with your Dominant about the feelings you have with the words and why you feel you may need to work on them. Talk about the importance you feel about them, and the desire to strengthen your courage and understanding for using them.

Then talk about what they recommend, they may already have things in mind to help the situation already.

I understand for this specific post you have already done this. and that is good. admitting weakness and hesitation is sometimes a hard thing to do.

And exercise that may help, or it may not, depending on the dynamic, would be a form of play.

First come to an agreement with the Dominant about how this would not entirely be like normal play for you both. with this exercise the Dominant should come up with Limits that you normal are okay with, and then proceed to push those limits. This may sound confusing, but I will provide and example at the end. The goal of this exercise isn't the fact that you went beyond you limit, it is the fact that you said the word because you were asked to go past the limit.

What is MOST IMPORTANT is that after you have said the safeword you and your Dominant have come to agreement on, they should immediately reward you, this does not need to be a physical reward or something given right then and there. It could be that you were given more time to do something you wanted, or promise of something later. After they praise you and reward you for the saying of the safeword I think it is a good habit to ask why you said it in a kind and calm manner. Sometimes it is a big weight for a submissive to have said the safeword and the play to stop and immediately go into aftercare, which is complete find and needed. But is is just as important I believe for the submissive to know that the Dominant understand why the submissive said the word in the first place. The feeling of disappoint someone for a very good reason, but believe that they don't know why can cause anxiety that can further increase stress in wanting to use the word in the future.

(Again ever dynamic is different so if this doesn't work for your dynamic I understand and please just ignore my advice. I will continue because this may help someone else on here.)

This exercise is to get both the Dominant and submissive comfortable to both hear and say the safeword as well as reward for the act of using them. Its to help the brain and body feel more calm with associating these words with calm and kind affection (The Reward).

Now that I feel I have explained it okay, here is an example:

As a submissive if your normal limits are things like nothing illegal, children, no urine or fecal matter, or animals, that is most common; we then pick something that you are completely okay with. And do try to think of something with your Dominant to kind of make it a fun game if you will.

For instance is can be something super random, like you don't like you right hand to do anything, or your knees are a red zone. It could be something practical like you have a limit on anal play of any kind (Where normal you do not have that limit)

The next part of the play is that you have to remember this limit that was chosen, you must not forget it. The Dominant and you then start to play, things can become as heated as your dynamic wishes, and then right when you both become comfortable the Dominant should make you go past you limit, for instance using your right hand needs to caress a body part, your needs need to be cropped, or bitten, or its order that you should do some anal stimulating. Upon this you would then say the safeword. The Dominant then should reward you for the courage to say it regardless of how insignificant the limit was, and either you continue to play from there or the play ends. All of that variation would be discussed and agreed upon of course in the dynamic. Being Safe and Sane and Consensual.

Again I cannot push hard enough, this is just my own advice, I am not a doctor, or someone with any degree that brings my words to mean absolute truth, this is just my humble advice. Each dynamic is different, each kink is different, this may not work for everyone. Above all communication is the most important, I wish you well and hope that you come to accept and feel more comfortable with the words that can bring more joy and connection in your dynamic.

Thank you.

Kalel​(dom male){SelinaKyle} • Jul 19, 2020

A dom should never be disappointed that you use a safeword. It should be encouraged in fact. I get when subs want to be pushed to their limits and not want to disappoint their dom, but keep in mind, a dom needs your trust you'll say your safeword when you need to. Doms never want to "break" their subs or send them into a sub drop.

In the past long ago, I liked using a two-tier safeword. A yellow word would be used for when she is being pushed to her limit, and needed a quick break to recover . This would also be a time to say what is wrong (I usually never got a response). Then, we would continue the scene either being a little lighter or moving on to another act. A red word would be used for stopping the scene immediately, go into aftercare, and then let her talk about it when she was ready. I've never had the red used before, but it's good in case for an emergency stoppage.

Communication with your dom is essential. We're not mind-readers. Definitely talk about it openly with your dom. Hope this helps

kKinZ has excellent advice as well.

Zedland​(dom male) • Jul 19, 2020

My advice, repeat the words aloud to yourself. I know it sounds dumb, but you should be comfortable saying them. Saying them aloud makes it a more normal, comfortable thing.

FlipSide1481​(dom male) • Jul 19, 2020

I wrote this in a previous disscussion of consent and safewording. There is aloy of baggage around using safewords that is far to often ignored. I am glad to see this discussion come up again.

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Lifestyle BDSM

Understanding Consent from a perspective of reflection

FlipSide1481​(dom male)
1 year ago • 11/02/2018 9:33 am
Honestly every partner I have had (playing in private as part of a relationship, after discussing the light system and negotiating) was VERY hesitant to "Red" out. For the exact reasons that the episode discussed. They didn't want the scene to end, or the relationship to be damaged

Specifically in playing with a partner that I had played with ALOT. We finally moved to tieing her up completely nude, (negotiated it and tied her up with arms, legs, spread eagle on the bed). Just as I finished tieing her foot to the leg of the bed and look at her, expecting a happy sub, she was weeping. I ended the scene and in the long discussion that followed she told me she felt she HAD to do this for me, that she was a bad sub not being able to do it. Further that she did not safeword cause it was not that bad and she had "endured" more. There was undisscussed previous trauma that came to light.

As a Dominant it took me quite a while to deal with the feelings. What had I done or implied to make her feel like she had to be a good sub? What if anything could I do to get her to safeword next time? How good are safewords if she wont use them? What if she had been tied face down?

Enthusiastic consent, regular check in between partners during the scene, and making DAMN sure I explain that this is about discovery and we WILL hit stumbling blocks.

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I really encourage open, honest and forthright conversation. "Yellow" light has helped. I also saw the recommendation "practice" I think this is good. Finally just knowing, ideally ,what will happen once a safeword is used seems to aid in their use.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 19, 2020

This is an area I haven't run across. Could be because I tend to accept heavier punishment as a masochist because I like it..

But I have used safe words without reservation because that's when I'm near my limits.

Personally I don't worry about disappointing anyone, because the safe word is established for a reason and the dom/sadist knows that.

Probably easy for me to say, but I'm merely tossing in my 2 cents.

SuperEight​(sub female) • Jul 19, 2020

Thank you everyone for helping! I am taking your words and advice to heart.

LordofPain56 • Jul 20, 2020

I don't know if this helps, but what I have done before is to tell her that she MUST use the safe-word if the activity is too intense, if she gets scared or if she has wrestled herself awry in her bondage AND that she should NOT take into account whether or not she thinks I might be disappointed to stop the activity. I tell her that it is Masters responsibility to protect her from harm, but that she needs to help by using the safe word if she needs it.
I'm sure that is not a universal cure-all, for everybody, but it has been successful for me so far.