Are we our own worst enemy

Are we our own worst enemy

MidlifeMan​(dom male) • Jul 26, 2020

I have ben reading lots of posts over the last few months.
all are along the lines of
1. This Dom treated me like shit because i wouldn't bow down to him the first time he messaged me.
2. I met a Dom he seemed nice the once i agreed to be his, he changed and was emotionally of physically abusive, didn't respect my limits.

I wonder as on none of the posts has a person been mentioned apart from the unfortunate person writing it. is this right is it fair. we don't want to get to the point of outing people, and maybe its just a communication error (there probably are people who love both the scenarios above, we do have a very varied group)

now I am not one for vigilante action, but some of these people could be dangerous, they impact one of our community and we console them but do nothing about them.

Is there a way to inform Cage staff and get people "watched" for unacceptable behavior (not suggesting Big brother).

we moan about instaDoms, but nothing happens, if their was a way to flag up so poor behavior could be policed maybe? a warning given on unacceptable behavior?

thoughts please

Dom's dont generally get this abuse, I get Ghosted and I can be chatting and for no reason I can see apart from them getting a Dom I get blocked, but they are water off a ducks back to me.

apologies if there is a well organised way to deal with this, i am unaware of, as a Dom (and I would like to think a nice Dom), I don't get this sort of abuse.

TheChimera​(sub female) • Jul 26, 2020

Unpopular opinion- Playing devil's advocate - everything is circumstantial.

One "dom/me" may be a Horny Net Geek (HNG) and get what s/he wants from a wouldbe sub, then move on to the next target.

Whereas, another Dom/me might be genuinely interested in starting a Dyanmic with a sub, but suddenly life hits him/her with a curveball, and they have to take some time to themselves to try and get things back in order.

Another HNG might get his rocks off, then ditch his account completely. So the last 1-5 subs he had in his inbox? All dropped simultaneously.

Or, another situation may be that a Dom is looking for a submissive while he's working to divorce his emotionally abusive wife - but because of legal battles for property, money, and parental rights on their kids - he has to step back. He has no choice if he wants to maintain a fraction of his life, finances, and contact with his children.
There's many many many different reasons people do things. And, not to discredit, detract, or blame victims -- there's ALWAYS 2 sides to every story.

Having been the admin to an Adult roleplay site in the past that was enormous - I can understand how Staff might not be able to set up those kinds of parameters. On a site like this, it's difficult to place rules and "Watching" others for such behavior since there's SO MANY PEOPLE on this site.
Plus, another unpopular opinion - is that everyone on this site is 18+. As an adult, you might have to come to expect people pulling the vanishing act.
It's very similar to vanilla dating.
Look at all the Tinder stories "Oh, I was talking with Chad, and all of a sudden he vanished for three weeks, when I saw him again he had a new side-hoe!"

Aside from that, as a new sub, I feel a lot of subbies don't take responsibility for themselves. ((Again, not trying to victim blame because there are ALWAYS some super dangerous predators on any platform of "dating" website and/or community. BDSM is not excluded from this, in fact in some cases, BDSM is even targeted.))
A new subbie should be looking for red flags, researching what makes a Dom a Dom, and seeking more knowledge.

I've seen a lot of subs where they scream, whine, and cry about abusive Dom/me's they meet online - but when I ask them questions, it's almost like willful ignorance.
-- And before I get jumped on saying "But Chim. I didn't know where to look for information."
Google.
The Cage has links throughout the front page for you to read.
If you don't like to read, The Cage even support's podcasts.
There's multiple books and online articles about BDSM.

All you have to do is LOOK.

A prime example being instaDoms that EXPECT you to submit within the first few messages. --- How even? Like, a REAL Dominant is going to want to get to know you as a person first. Make sure you aren't crazy, want to know if you have health issues, or what limits not to breach.




Aside from the above, truthfully. If someone is making their rounds on subs, people talk. I've watched a couple Insta-Doms hit brick walls because they wracked up a reputation for being a Ghost and/or just completely being an asshat to people.
They usually weed themselves out, or wrack up a reputation.

Zedland​(dom male) • Jul 26, 2020

As much as you want to you can't punish people for being assholes. You can ignore, block, and let anyone who asks know your opinion of them but trying to wrangle the staff into policing the behaviors of others is just creating a system that can't run smoothly and is rife for abuse. Nor can you punish people for tone, if someone comes on to strong tell them to fuck themselves and move on. If part of someone's kink is acting in a manner you consider abusive, tell them to fuck themselves and move on. If they try to blackmail/harass/dox you then yeah tell the staff.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jul 27, 2020

I'm not my worst enemy. I'm my worst critic and my best freind.