Submissive in principle but not in practice - how to adjust her thinking

Grey Eyes​(sub female){Owned} • Aug 4, 2020

I agree with the comments above.

My concern is that you have known her for 3-4 years. A lengthy period of time to get to know each other. And if I am understanding correctly...then collar....then contract?

Was the contract put in place in an effort to get her to toe the line? In my relationship with my Sir, we do not have a contract, but I understand some want that written paper. For us it was completely unnecessary, and did not even discussed except to say we didn't want that.

I am a "brat". However, I would never consider being disrespectful to my Sir. Well, perhaps it depends on your definition of disrespect. Do I push back? Occasionally. Am I defiant? Sometimes. Do I challenge him? Indeed. Do I roll my eyes or raise my eyebrow? oh yes. But, what I am given from my Dom is consistent firm guidance. I need that safe place. I need his love, to see that he will come between me and any harm. That he will care for me no matter what I do. That he understands that I have a mind, and he respects it.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Aug 4, 2020

DrWakko said



it made me wonder, if you have contract in place just how convoluted your rules are? Not saying you might of over complicated matters for you, but you may of for your submissive? Subs do not function very well on chaos, in fact they need the reverse to thrive in their role. If yours isn't functioning to her best, maybe DrWakko has a good point.

its easy to create chaos with to many rules and protocols. More so if your not consistent with your own rules and protocols. a submissive needs 100% consistency. I'm not saying this is the case, I cant say that as I'm not present in your relationship..but it might be something to consider and look at?

Rules and protocols work better if you build on them. As she works well with one. add another. What you might find is her rebellion is coming from confusion or a feeling of failure or even the feeling that you might replace her. Rebellion is more often than not a protection method, than a personality trait. Failure is very easy to feel, if you constantly feel like your getting things wrong, eventually you stop trying or rebel. It sounds like all her life rebellion has been her safe place so you need to re create another if your serious about this woman and her being your collared sub. You might find the method of only acknowledging the "good" (like a parent does with positive reinforcement) might work better, until she re wires the practice (rote brain) Positive reinforcement means giving something to the subject when they perform the desired action so they associate the action with the reward and do it more often. The reward is a reinforcing stimulus.

Only you can decide if she is "worth" keeping but honestly chances are if you've "thought" of replacing her, she has "felt" it..of course that's going to have her running to behaviours that make her feel safe(r)

mab{Thiers } • Aug 5, 2020

Morning, I would also agree with many of the points already made.

One thing to say is that almost certainly- when she doesn't do what you want her to do there will be a reason (she may not even be aware of it herself). Find out what it is. This will help you to understand her, what she needs at that time and why. This can be really important because it will help you navigate your time with her, you may even help her find resolution to some of the things and this in turn will bring you closer together.

If you would like to try to see if it can work, I would suggest employing a slightly different tact, two things really.

Flexibility: people cant always be the same person every single day, if we take food as an examples- one day you may want fish and the next day meat. Her submission may likely be the same. If you allow yourself to adapt to some of her needs e.g. chill out about some things and be firm on others (where appropriate on both) you may find she is happier, calmer and much more inclined to fulfil her side of the dynamic. From what you have said, she wants to do this, but doesn't know how/ without it upsetting you. Give yourself and her a little wiggle room.

Play (outside of a scene setting): play is super duper important with a brat. we LOVE to play. This can be verbal, tactile, sexual or anything else you fancy. This can act as a safe space for her to expel energy, vent frustrations, get worked up, relax, 'feel' like herself, whatever really. Play does not mean that she gets away with anything, you are the dominant, she will always come back to you. You can be in control of the play, you are LETTING her have her time. She will know this. And in that time, she can safely do whatever she needs to- read over your shoulder and tell you to wait while she finishes the page, it can be an arm wrestle or a conversation where she pushes you on a point she knows she shouldn't (and with any luck will pay for that later- wink)- it can be practically anything. The point is your giving her the space to do it. And its much MUCH more fun if you play along. Let her read, win the arm wrestle, push a point (because she WILL pay for it) and let her be close to you. You may find you enjoy it too.

All of this said, there is such a thing as incompatibility. It may be she isnt the right submissive for you or you are not the right dominant for her. There is always that to consider.. good luck.

individsenior​(sub female) • Aug 5, 2020

One perspective is that, while you say that both of you agreed, this relationship is not working. You seemed to have attempted this for long enough period of time. Do you really know her? There are some submissives that intentionally act out to invite punishment, leading to begging forgiveness; that is what they want, like a kind of 'taming of the shrew' association. Maybe she wants the 'taming of the shrew' and you do not. Perhaps you want more obedience, even a sub inviting you to discipline her rather than her acting out disobedience.
Some have suggested conversations with others in the lifestyle to talk out what you both really feel.
You may need to decide when to make the call that this is not working; i tend to be one that stays forever in non-working relationships and have learned over the years to find that 'this is not working, move on' place. Your description indicates that you have both had many conversations and you feel you know enough of her background to understand her, but not understand her lack of commitment.
I know, as a submissive, I have had to 'soul search' through my abusive parental history to separate disfunction from true desire. I realized I did not want 'Daddy' issues to define my relationships. You have indicated she has had past issues with defiance; she does need to understand how past issues can emerge to create confusion in relationships.
First option, find a third party to help you both communicate. Second option, tell your sub that this is not working for you and you wish to sever the relationship.

larkspur​(sub female) • Aug 7, 2020

What does she say when you ask her why she's being disobedient? Have you talked about it? As others have said, if you're serious about the relationship, you need to communicate. Find out if she's confused about the rules or likes being a brat. You say her submission is random based on her mood. That's not random. Find out what mood is getting the response you don't like and what triggers it. D/s demands that people know themselves and communicate to work well. Make sure both of you are putting in that effort.

House Talion​(dom male) • Aug 9, 2020

For the amount of trouble she seems to cause it poses the question of how much you both truely knew about each other prior to relations. Granted a signed D/s contract usually comes before the collar, if contracts are needed. Inevitable she probably is a brat and the best course when she misbehaves is to treat her like a child without including Dd/lg. If in fact shes not a brat theres also the other options of that shes either acting out for attention, could be a switch, or doesnt know her place as a sub with you. All of this can be concluded with the right conversation between the two of you. If that doesnt solve it and you want to continue, try a helpful chat session with a Dom or Master of more experience