new at bdsm?

new at bdsm?

qxo​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2020

Hi everyone.
I'm quite new to BDSM world and don't really know much about it. However, I do know that I'm a sub and that I wanna explore this more. I just started dating someone who knows even less than me but is open to trying new things (he's 24m, I'm 22f). I don't want to freak him out, in his mind bdsm is mostly about causing pain meanwhile I understand it more like a power exchange where pain can be included. But as I said, I don't know much and have very little experinece

I was wondering if you have an advice where I should start? Where did y'all start?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 19, 2020

Hi qxo,

There are lots of good, caring people on this site, with some great info, experience and insight. There's a few who also seem to live in a world of their own, asserting knowledge and authority and convincing few of their substance but their self. In other words, i'd say we are a microcosm of the status quo, or the world at large lol.

The "advice" i'd offer is to go slowly, with eyes and ears wide open. It seems a common human disposition to look for authority or code or rules, then latch onto those things unwaveringly. We use words to try and convey reality, but often we can find ourselves caught up in using words to define our reality. E.g. "BDSM is mostly about causing pain."

It seems really common for people to take their definition of something and make it the standard for all, to become the 'authority' on the subject. Personally, i think BDSM is just an identifier to help us find each other, but the actual definitions of all the words and terms is very personal. To me, the point is for you to become self aware, for your mate to become self aware, and then to discover where you attract and bond. For instance, you have a general understanding that you are "sub" and your mate may have a general understanding that he is 'dom.' Those are opposites that generally attract like polar opposites on a magnet. But people aren't just charged ions, we are complex with feeling and thought, etc.. Many discover that just being generally attracted as opposites does not necessarily constitute a good or strong bond ('chemistry').

Either way, i think the process is a good and worthy one, self discovery. To me, our "kinks" are expressions of our individual need and desire. Though both are often fraught with deep emotion and meaning, i think we can benefit from listing them almost clinically. For instance, i know i am deeply sub, but have little to no masochist in me (at least, physically speaking). Someone who tries to inflict physical pain on me is liable to get back kicked into the next room (second degree black belt). That actually has all sorts of reasons behind it that are associated with my own individual development as a gay guy with a sub nature that's too long to go into here. The point is, i learned about all of those places and things in me in a BDSM setting.

Funny thing, though i eschew physical pain, i am attracted to the idea of being spanked. But it is not the pain that appeals, it's the idea of my Tops hand prints on my behind. To me, that serves as an example of the complexity and individuality of BDSM. There may be a Dom out there with a little sadist in Him who might connect and bond to that in me. He might get His need met by spanking me while mine is met by His imprinting me.

I'd suggest you begin to list and discuss your individual "kinks" with the understanding that nothing is in concrete, that this is fluid discussion and discovery, not lock down... which may seem counter intuitive to BDSM lol.

DrWakko • Aug 19, 2020

There are two parts to bdsm. The play side (Top/bottom) and the relationship side (Dom/sub, Master/slave). Each one is completely independent of each other. You can have a Top/bottom dynamic and be in a vanilla relationship outside of play and you can be in a Dom/sub relationship and never play.

I suggest sitting down and talking with him and working out the dynamics of your relationship. Go slow there is no rush. Go on line and find Master/slave relationship contracts and use those as a base to structure the relationship.

Also check out the last page of my blog for a book list. A lot of them are relationship based.

Good luck

DW

DrKrall • Aug 19, 2020

I once started exactly the same way only I was 18 and she was 15 (legal in my country).
Don't think too much about what BDSM "should" be but what you enjoy. Talk to each other about what you fantasize about and try things. What you both like you can continue and what you don't like you can forget about. The rules are there are no rules as long as you both like it and have fun.

Good luck from me too!

qxo​(sub female) • Aug 19, 2020

I don't know how to answer each comments but thank you for such nice answers I appreciate it

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 21, 2020

I think it is safe to say that he only knows about the infliction of pain because of the image media has us believing is all a dom does is cause pain. if you are into the pain thing make sure you inform him about ssc and safe words and to pay attention to what is happening or he could seriously hurt you even if he does not mean to

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Aug 21, 2020

The first thing to understand is that this is your relationship, everyone is different every interaction is different!
Yes there are certain protocols that are accepted as normal with dynamics but again I stress it’s your kink your way !
Read digest understand and decide what works for you !!
Oh and one final thing, welcome to what will ( I hope ) become a fantastic lifelong journey for you !!

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Aug 22, 2020

The two of you need to have a conversation about this. Do some research online to see what you naturally are drawn to.
Step slowly...there's no need to run.
Learn what you like and why.
Stay within your comfort zone to begin with.
There's no rush.
Explore at your own pace.
You both will find the path which will enrich your relationship.
Have fun!