Dealing with shame

Ok heres you prescription. It's a reset. This is some dirty shit so dirty is associated with shame. RIGHT?

Ok. You have to play this up kinda loud.
OFF THE RAIL. by BOYTLENECK. feat IPCHURCH. Reset and resume. As long as it isnt deadly or involves children. .

In my view, there are differences between regret, some and guilt.

Regret is the feeling you feel when you know you have done an ACT that causes harm to someone else.

Guilt is the realisation that you have done something that causes harm to another.

Shame is EITHER, the feeling of being ASHAMED in the PRESENT by your act OR....it is the feeling associated with how you view yourself.

Regret, guilt, and being ashamed are PRESENT TENSE while shame, is past tense.

Regret, guilt and embarrassment are fairly easy to fix.

SHAME, is deeply rooted, and according to the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine, children as young as 18 months old can develop shame.

But here is the rub, sometimes, humans can have their feelings "mislabeled". What the original poster was ACTUALLY feeling was a sense of disappointment, in herself. That is a milder form of shame and was NOT shame.

In that case, honest communication usually fixes the situation. She didn't do anything wrong except love so much that she didn't want to be a disappointment to her Dom. It's a normal, natural feeling and VERY common.

https://www.nicabm.com/guilt-vs-shame/

I'm glad you pointed that out. She did nothing wrong. I did think it was my place to say that .

not necessarily. Regret can also be knowing one did not take action. Like asking that girl out in school when you could. This doesn't result in any harm. The only harm in this situation is knowing one didn't try. Which can lead to shame. One can also regret not being there for a person when they could before they killed themselves. In that situation harm is very present. Regret and harm aren't always mutual.


Again, the two aren't always mutual. One could feel guilty eating chocolate (which could lead to health issues if one is fat. But if not then no harm). Guilt comes from a realisation that someone did something that MIGHT be counter productive or/and harmful or otherwise be viewed as "something that shouldn't be done" by other people (leading to feelings of shame and guilt). Wherever that's ACTUALLY the case is another matter though (eg: Is it irrational fear). I know guilt all too well. Was a lot of harm involved which lead to it. The trap people fall into with guilt is wallowing in self pity. Which is why I say make it about responsibility instead. It forces you to consider why more. Examine action and reaction.


Often both. Additional, the PAST leads to PRESENT shame as well. Get looked down on enough and you're going to start seeing yourself that way. This can result in feeling like you can't be "you". Like you're "not allowed" to enjoy/express yourself or be involved in what makes you happy. There's also feeling ashamed for making promises and not keeping them. That can fuel self doubt of ones own abilities. It puts people in relationships in a tight spot. Call them out on it but risk fuelling that self doubt. At the same time it's the only way to stop those broken promises. People might not mean to do that but it still happens. Shame often comes from making mistakes and messing up (which can lead to self loathing/self hate).


I assure you it can happen MUCH sooner. Kids that are too ashamed to show their faces at school (teachers pet) Or when a child is so threatened they only feel safe when they eat (the eating habit itself leading to shame). When so many grown ups go "Do this. Don't do that. I decide what's right/wrong for you" they just get sick of it. Then they do stupid shit. They do regret it. They are ashamed about it (some of them anyway). It's why they develop anxiety, become evasive, isolate themselves. People that young tend to be more honest though. Won't make excuses and go "It was all mistakes". Will freely admit they MEANT to hurt you at times (and therefor there's no shame of a lie or an excuse). So what does this say of grown ups that only ever pin it all on mistakes?


All labels get mislabelled. It's why I don't hide behind them. Context is what has to be talked about. And how one thing leads to another. The OP is disappointed but how do you know they're not ashamed in their failure? You're also saying "It's mild shame" but them say it's not shame. That contradicts. I think what YOU'RE actually saying is that it's not a high level extremely harmful form of shame. That there's different "levels" of shame. I think that's what you meant.

Different levels or not it's still best to "nip it in the bud" so to speak. Find the "root" of what causes such feelings to exist at all. If a tree is very tall it doesn't mean you have to go over every leaf. Just go right back to that point in time where it all began.

I completely agree and have been subjected to the latter part of your response.

I do not find it healthy and from personal experience can tell you that it just breaks you down inside and you lose your confidence. Especially if it is continuously brought back up even though the punishment was paid.

Mulling that last post over.

Drill instructors come to mind. People that keep pushing you to improve. To keep trying even if you do fail. Life lessons are learned too but you won't succeed the first round or two (or ten even). We learn THROUGH failure.

Praise the attempt. But results have to be criticised if that result is lacking. Even achieving a goal the "easy" way can be negative. So if a dom were to set an impossible task for a sub it's possible they could be doing it to see how they try to achieve the task. Regardless of success or failure. It's also possible that could be teaching a sub to gain experience so they can achieve a task in the future even if they can't right now. Sometimes failure is the only way to learn.

Basically there's a difference between an understanding dom that will encourage you even in failure, and one that will only ever scold you without praise. Would you rather have one that encourages you even if you fail their impossible tasks (and thus push you to improve), or one that never praises your accomplishments after achieving every goal they set (and thus never be appreciated)?

Doms that hang mistakes over your head can be unhealthy. But that's often down to lack of communication. Their own fear often does them in. I've been subject to that too, but I also know how thrilling it is to be scared of a dom in a good way and still have that affection/appreciation. Makes for some intense flirting too.

I think pushing boundaries can be fun way way into a relationship but a true Dom never asks anything from his sub she is not ready for. Open and honest communication is the most important thing! If he doesn’t communicate or you don’t feel safe enough to open up, I think you should overthink this!

This is phrased perfectly. A good Dominant will want the sub to reach their potential and while a task may be challenging, it should not be impossible. Doms are human too and make mistakes - maybe they over estimated a task - but both sides are responsible for forming and holding to a relationship that is conducive to honest communication where you should feel safe to express concerns rather than feel fear to do so.

Hi Eliza!

First of all, thank you so much for making this post. I think a lot of us submissives feel shame some times, and I know Dominants can certainly feel it as well.

I wanted to give a few tips to help you reflect and evaluate these feelings of shame or being inadequate. Maybe you're already doing something like this and/or know of these resources, so I apologize if this isn't helpful but...

At some point I read about submissive journals which encouraged me to do more research into it and start my own submissive journal. You can find a ton of things about what to use them for and you can find prompts (for this and all things BDSM/DDlg/etc., I really like submissiveguide.com and domsubliving.com).

After a time where you feel shameful or inadequate, whether it's after a scene or just in life, whether it's emotional, physical or mental, it doesn't matter, just after you have those feelings or during, try to journal about it. Explain in as much detail as possible. Try to pin point why you were having those feelings. Then if you are comfortable, you can have your Dom read it and then you two can discuss and evaluate together. I often find that this individual then together reflection process is very healing and may help you get to the bottom of those negative feelings you're having.

I hope this helps. You seem wonderful, much support to you!

yes your dom will shame you in front of his friends and make you do all have sex with them keep you naked 24/7 clean up the mess when they are done daily and plenty more