Looking for advice from doms and subs

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 23, 2020

Current topic aside, are you really saying that having concerns translates to not being a good match? Everyone is going to have concerns.

It's how you handle those concerns that determines how events will play out.

slavebilly​(sub male) • Sep 23, 2020

Being a sub means you give yourself to a Dom because you want to not because you have to. You do this willingly because you know they have your best interests in mind.

Based on what you have written I would not pursue a relationship with him. He is showing no respect for you. you have the right to say no! He has the obligation to respect that.

Dont leave this site. Stay here and avail yourself of all the blogs, posts, forums, etc. You will learn so much and will come to see what is acceptable and what is not! Best wishes!

BrendaSubmissive​(sub female) • Sep 23, 2020

Happy to reply-

I am someone who besides teaching also treats people with disorders, since the lovely lady said that she was sexually assaulted, has anxiety disorder I gave an advice since most people with anxiety disorder do not feel comfortable going "public" with their concerns she was brave enough to do so (good!!).

Long story short- my advice was for her and her ONLY (I HOWEVER HAVE MY OPINION but try to approach on a personal level)and based on her personal situation(Anxiety disorder and most probably ptsd from assaults) I gave an advice,since that kind of behaviour can be very unhealthy for her personally.

Generally-
concerns can be dealth with. It all depends on type of person someone is. There is something called emotional bucket- some people can fill it up with bad things, doubts and carry it on their head lightly. On the other hand some people even with small amount spill it all over their heads and messes them up, leaves scars.

WyteTiger​(dom gender fluid){JuicyJess} • Sep 23, 2020

[quote="Taramafor"]

Its how the dom handles those concerns that determines how events will play out, and in this situation, that seems to be exactly where the problem lies, so for that reason i agree with what she said

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 23, 2020

False. It's how BOTH people involved handle the situation that determines that. Each is as responsible as the other. Even if a sub has good intentions and does "their best" they could still botch up communication (out of fear due to anxiety for example. Side effects can involve "blame" (as opposed to responsibility) and "Silence"). If the dom doesn't explain things clearly then that's on them as well. Being a sub is not an excuse to "Let the dom handle it all". You have to do it YOURSELF as well. GIVE direction. Make SUGGESTIONS. Ensure that you can communicate clearly YOURSELF. In the interest of presenting ideas and compromise. A sub simply has to "take charge" at times. Especially when events are unfair. My concern with your statement is that it can imply a sub should just let a dom "call all the shots". Which in this situation would be unwise IMO. As I write this I'm considering making a topic about "when subs have to take control" for their safety if a dom puts them in danger. There are times a sub allows it to happen. Expecting or hoping the dom will do things on their own. Can you imagine the amount of danger a sub would be in if the just went "I should let the dom handle all my concerns"?

It's not really the "doms call" even if it's a dom and a slave with no rights. The later is very much responsible for how they affect the former and vice versa (you're affecting each other. That means you're BOTH involved). Each will have their concerns. If a sub/slave ALLOWS the dom to call the shots then that's their choice (and, despite any previous agreements, is always subject to change). But if they DON'T allow that then that's another matter. It all depends on what the people involved choose to do. Or otherwise "allow to happen" (more on that below).


Your point is valid, but I'm stating right now I've had to help people in situations as well. Suicidal ones included among other matters. If you're trying to use your teaching experience as an excuse to "know better" I caution about how that can lead to overconfidence which can lead to mis-analyzing situations. Advice has to tempered with letting others pick their own path. It can be easy to "push" someone in a direction that they didn't yet consciously choose and simply "let happen" on impulse (which can be either a good or bad thing depending). It can get a bit technical but suffice to say my main concern is "respecting choice". I don't want to make the mistake of "jumping on a band wagon" or "Brainwashing". The people responding in this thread don't have the full story (and neither do we) and by that logic we could be missing context. It's easy to play the "victim" card, and the OP is one, BUT what of their own hand in the matter? We both know situations aren't as black and white as they appear. This all naturally results in their situation being "ugly" but ugly situations can and have been resolved with others. Which means it can be possible here. Wherever it's "worth it" is for them to decide. No amount of advice will change the fact it's "their call".

This reminds me. You kind of avoided what I quoted (wherever you did this knowingly or not you didn't answer my question). You specifically stated "that fact alone". About bringing up concerns and questions. I find this statement false. Because everyone has questions and concerns. I was referring to the accuracy of your statement. Nothing more then that. You then further went on about your advice to the OP. Of which I am pointing out does not change the fact people is ugly situations can resolve those situations (or not, depending). Some people work things out, some don't. But if it was as simple as "that fact alone" then everyone with questions and concerns would never work out. The old saying of "hard times". There's most certainty more to it then "that fact alone". MUCH more. Ranging from concerns with anxiety to how the dom is failing to be clear with the OP. The dom COULD be explaining things clearly in THEIR mind but the OP may not state that things are unclear (and thus is on the OP as much as the dom if they don't speak up). Or The dom could be nervous which leads to doing things "wrong". Since we lack context (and know nothing of the dom) all we have are theories. And theories can be inaccurate. I try to cover all my bases personally (be prepared for any situation).


Personal? Shouldn't you be trying to approach the situation on an OBJECTIVE level while putting your own personal viewpoint aside? Personal matter too of course but I examine events objectively. I do have concerns about how past events lead to irrational fears for her, but at the same time there's that saying of how people dig their own graves. If their own fear is why events go bad (which may or may not be the case here. We simply don't know their interactions/conversations fully) then that's on them as much as the dom.


This is what I mean when I say the OP might be "digging their own grave" earlier. If they been crying when making this thread it indicates they're an "emotional" person. Which gets in the way of thinking clearly. This in turn can lead to miscommunication with the dom. Some people can be both emotional and logical even if they're crying in a corner, but that kind of know how often comes from experience of being unable to be logical in those kind of situations. In other words the OP may be more emotional then logical. That can easily make it harder for a dom to be logical with them in turn. especially if someone with anxiety flees in fear easily or/and shuts down communication (people with anxiety are more likely to do this). What I'm curious about is how they handle their arguments.

Re: Looking for advice from doms and subs

MrFulmen • Sep 24, 2020

Other folks have already told you that the guy trying to stomp all over your boundaries is bad news, and they're right. I'm going to give you a bigger picture answer.

There's no such thing as doms. There's just people, some of whom are interested in dominating.

So much of the trouble that we get ourselves into when we're new to BDSM comes from thinking that BDSM is some kind of exotic new world with different rules and different kinds of people. If you strip out all the fancy jargon like "dom" and "limits" and "submission," what does your situation look like?

It looks like an entitled dude is disrespecting your boundaries.

That isn't exactly a novel experience. Entitled dudes are dime a dozen and I'm sure you've had to learn how to deal with them. Keep using the common sense you've learned in the rest of your life, and don't let anyone tell you that the rules are different because they call themselves "dom" and you call yourself "sub."

Also don't expect doms to magically behave better than other dudes. All being a dom means is that a dude has bought a black leather vest and started calling himself "Master WolfLord." You've still gotta take just as much care before deciding that he's trustworthy, wise, capable, etc. That shit does not come with the title.

Alpha Wolfe • Sep 24, 2020

I'm not into writing too much, as this should be very simple. Respect limits. Nuff said, right?

If someone isn't giving you that respect, you're better off walking away. That goes for both subs and doms. Limits, are not things to be pushed. Boundaries are not to be ignored. Respect shouldn't have to be asked for, but given freely. And for God sakes, no means no.

I haven't read the other comments, I could be repeating what others have said, but dammit it's worth repeating. A dom isn't an arrogant control freak. He is a respectful gentleman. Period.

(I was not saying all doms are men. Was mainly talking about myself with that last sentence)

LeatherRedux​(dom female) • Sep 24, 2020

To be a good dom or sub requires a critical thing... that they are a good person first. If you have no moral compass or basic respect, everything you touch will be garbage. There is power in dominance and submission - - it does not mean someone gets to treat you less than and call it dominance.

Always go with your gut and like others have said, if it "feels" toxic, it is.

The type of submission he is asking for is a long process with the main factor of you wanting to give it. Rather hard to give it if your boundaries are not respected.

Run and read up on this stuff! Like "Welcome to the Darkside, A BDSM Primer" by Rajnan Dominari. If you can get past some of his opinions, it gives quick advice on this lifestyle.

LR

FayeAce​(sub female) • Sep 24, 2020

Thank you to everyone who gave advice, it was much appreciated!!! I think I know how to address the situation now and move forward.


I also want to reply to the person who made this quote:
"[/quote]
This is what I mean when I say the OP might be "digging their own grave" earlier. If they been crying when making this thread it indicates they're an "emotional" person. Which gets in the way of thinking clearly. This in turn can lead to miscommunication with the dom. Some people can be both emotional and logical even if they're crying in a corner, but that kind of know how often comes from experience of being unable to be logical in those kind of situations. In other words the OP may be more emotional then logical. That can easily make it harder for a dom to be logical with them in turn. especially if someone with anxiety flees in fear easily or/and shuts down communication (people with anxiety are more likely to do this). What I'm curious about is how they handle their arguments.[/quote]

I am an educated women and I’m perfectly capable of making logical decisions. There is such a thing as frustrations tears which does not make someone more emotional. I had reached a point of frustration with my concerns being ignored. I thought this would be a safe platform to voice my concerns and seek advice. I don’t view that as “digging my own grave”. Also you can’t generalize with anxiety. Everyone is different and handles situations differently. I do not “flee in fear” or shut down with communication. I had mentioned to the dom that I could have attacks and I need help when that happens in terms of stopping what’s being done etc. I also pointed out in my original post that I had been voicing concerns and was communicating. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Thank you for your advice.

JD Dom​(dom male) • Sep 25, 2020

An answer to you and all other other subs.... FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS