Looking for advice from doms and subs

gypsyprincess​(sub female) • Sep 25, 2020

Drop him. These dynamics are very emotional and trust based. If he is not listening or respecting any boundaries or limits that you have set you are putting yourself in a harmful situation. I have been there and I'm sure almost every other sub has as well at some point or another and these are not real Doms that ignore those boundaries or don't at least have a conversation about maybe trying something. Its all a bit of a learning experience to figure out who is a good fit but if you aren't having a good feeling then follow your gut! Im sorry youre going through this

charlesutter​(dom male) • Sep 25, 2020

I have to echo Brenda who put it so beautifully and everyone else for that matter.

You’re not feeling it. That’s what I see in your question. So it doesn’t really matter what the other person is feeling or thinking.

You matter. What you need comes first.

Don’t ever settle. Life is too short for that.

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Sep 26, 2020

You mentioned that you are at the point of crying.
No relationship should make you cry.
A good relationship should bring joy, happiness, contentment, growth, laughter and unconditional love.

No one should control your work or clothing.

The first red flag is the sign to STOP.
Step back.
Disengage.
Trust your instinct implicitly.
It will never fail you.

You might need to define exactly what you want and step cautiously and carefully.

Instinct first. Always.

FayeAce​(sub female) • Sep 26, 2020

Thank you for all of the advice. I’ve spoken with the person and we didn’t see eye to eye and disagreed on what I shared. He has his views on what happened and I have my views. I don’t see anything wrong with the way I was feeling and reaching out for advice but it brushed him the wrong way.

I’m a beginner so I think some misinterpretation was happening and when I say I’m not comfortable or don’t want to do something and he gave a reply I thought that was the end of the discussion and he has now said I needed to say it more and reiterate that I don’t want to do it otherwise he thinks I’ve agreed to it. Maybe it’s because I’m inexperienced but I guess I thought if you say no or something that should be the end of it but maybe that’s not how things are in this scene?

I do want to say that he is a nice person and very caring. He’s not a monster or mean person but obviously with my inexperience we were not on the same page and had some miscommunication. I will reiterate again that he is a sweet guy and caring.

Again thank you all for the advice.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Sep 26, 2020

I think it is nice you two had a follow up conversation! Debriefing is important.

One thing to note is that it is part of a Dom's job to push your boundaries. There is a difference between I am scared and that is a hard stop. As for some who say you shouldn't cry. You shouldn't cry for the wrong reasons, but crying can be freeing and sometimes it is important to realize that someone who wants to help you, who you trust, who can carry you when you fall, is all part of the freedom of submitting. When I trust my Dom, that comes with being able to push past my insecurities and trust that he knows and wants what it best for me. I can give in to something I don't want, especially (for me) something emotional. Because I know, even if I can't see it, there is a lesson to learn and growth to happen.

Now, understand, that takes A LONG TIME to get to. I would not recommend new Subs try that, or give that responsibility to just anyone. But that is why new Subs need to be careful, and New Doms need to understand. Glad you are listening to your gut!

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Sep 26, 2020

Generally speaking, someone breaks your limits once, you give them a warning. They break your limits twice, pause immediately and have a discussion and reset the contract. They break your limits the third time ...

This goes for both Doms and subs.

Something Different​(dom male) • Sep 26, 2020

I feel like people have a miss understanding and the misrepresentation of what this lifestyle actually is. There are so many three headed hydra that have infiltrated the BDSM lifestyle. Communication is key in any relationship whether it be with friends, family, vanilla relationships, or Kink. If it is not in the relationship there’s no way it can work. You are a beginner and you were expressing to this so-called dominant who isn’t willing to take your hand and walk you through your submission and allow you to begin to feel comfortable with in his protection which it sounds like he is not offering. I would lace up my Sneakers and RUN. Remember your submission isn’t a huge flag that says hello I’ve giving you permission to treat me like shit. If he can’t respect you for the boundaries that you have or the limitations it’s not worth it for you not only as a submissive not just as a woman but as a human being.

FunnyNewDom • Oct 3, 2020

That could be good the advice to move on, life will 100% go on and you will find another.

FayeAce​(sub female) • Oct 4, 2020

I found everyone’s advice very helpful and the dom and I have parted ways. I will keep everything in mind moving forward and listen to my instincts. Thanks again everyone

Myrrdin​(dom male) • Oct 4, 2020

@FayeAce, I agree that you should immediately stop talking to that one person that is not a Dom! He does not show any signs of respect for you at all, does not respect your limits and overall sounds like absolute DANGER and 100% a red flag! You should block, not accept any type of communication with him and if for any reason you have shared anything like your phone number with him, then I would change your number! Dom/sub relationship is completely about mutual respect in all aspects, if there is not respect then there cannot be honest or trust and communication will only be one-sided and that is not the way it is suppose to be at all. Any others that do not show you respect or value your input and your opinions or respect your limits or boundaries, then I would immediately stop all communication with those individuals 100%!!!!! Everything is lifestyle revolves around communication, trust and safety and if all three of those are not met then you should have nothing to do with that situation at all! As the one member who responded to you said, "Run fast and get away!" Always follow your gut and instincts and you should not ever be ashamed or feel bad for asking any questions, it is part of the respect and communication and trust to ask questions! If you ever need someone to talk to then feel free to send me a message and I will help in any way that I can. You are not alone and you have not done anything wrong!! Be safe and take care and thank you for your questions and for sharing this!!