How do I guide my Sadism?

How do I guide my Sadism?

Ricccardio • Oct 3, 2020

I am fairly new to BDSM. Before truly engaging in the community and lifestyle, I would watch vanilla porn occasionally (not the biggest fan of porn in general) and eventually the video suggestions would come up with serious degradation, slapping, beating, punching, kicking. The girls would look completely destroyed, crying, an utter mess. I would comment in my mind "Clearly abuse." Well that would be 30 minutes later after the entire video. 30 Minutes later of still being aroused. It was only after my first submissive who was a heavy masochist that I realized that I have choked every single girlfriend I ever had, bit them, slapped them, yanked their hair and purposefully tried to leave marks on them because I wanted them to know I was there. This was consensual by the way. Now, I want to see the bruises, heavy bruises, I want crying, I want to hear the screams, see the fear, look into their vulnerability. I just do not know how to direct all of this. I do not want to injure anyone. Also, I always feel like I want to go further and further. I want more ideas too. How would I even do this not just during a scene but as a lifestyle. I don't know where to start. I have these desires but having them now scares me and causes anxiety. I don't know where to begin.

slavebilly​(sub male) • Oct 3, 2020

I dont really understand sadism and masochism. However I know it's real. I would solicit the advice and/or training from an experienced sadist. Look under the people tab at the top of the page. Search male and sadist. You can them message the if no one reply to this post

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Oct 3, 2020

It's a good sign that this is scaring you.
That is how you will learn to become a skilled Dominant.
Always SAFE SANE CONSENSUAL.
The Dominant in conjunction with the submissive both decide upon how far a scene will go.
But the Dominant, especially has to be in supreme control when interacting with the submissive.
You might encounter an intense masochist
who at one point might cross over and not safe word.
It is up to you to read what is occurring and know when, and how far to take this and when to absolutely stop.

You did bring up something that you are aware of
After 30 minutes of watching porn, that video suggestions showed extreme degradation etc..
Which obviously aroused you further.

It sparked something deep within you.

The way to continue is not to let yourself become selfishly carried away when interacting with another human being.

You need to speak with experienced sadists.
You need to have a deep conversation with yourself.

Only when you feel in complete control ,and no longer have any shred of anxiety should you engage.
Not before then. Not with any sub/maso.

Give yourself time to let this process and use the time to learn more about yourself first.

There is an ' art ' so to speak about marks and bruises and where they are placed so that no harm occurs.

Please stay safe.

Re: How do I guide my Sadism?

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 3, 2020

The number one thing to do is to get a good lawyer. The number two is to save up bail money.

MrFulmen • Oct 3, 2020

I agree with kajirasubm that your concern about your desire is actually a good sign. It sounds like you're aware of the risk of pushing too far, and you're committed to staying on the right side of the line. Great!

Here are a few guidelines that could help you.

1. Hold out for enthusiastic consent for SM.
Don't settle for having your partner just agree to pain or degradation. Only do things to them that they actively desire, that they're excited to receive or thrilled to endure for you. Doing that will be tremendously helpful for reducing the risk that you give someone an experience that turns out to be bad for them.

2. Limit your SM to the level of your partner's experience. (And your own, obviously.)
With someone new, go light. Even if they're enthusiastic about heavy pain or brutal degradation, someone with little experience might be wrong about how the experience will actually land for them. Give them a little taste, and work your way deeper slowly, over weeks or months, so they have time to process everything and learn their own reactions.

3. Learn technique.
There are books for all kinds of sadistic techniques, like Joseph Bean's "Flogging." There are books that address degradation and emotional sadism, like my own "The Heart of Dominance." There's YouTube videos on bondage. There are Zoom workshops. Getting serious about learning technique will help you understand non-obvious risks of the things you do, and make sure you don't cross lines accidentally.

4. Work on self-acceptance
Desires themselves, even the most sadistic desires, are not wrong. Lots of people are turned on by dark and wrong things, and go through their whole lives without harming anyone. It's okay to be turned on by what you're turned on by. You can decide what to do with your desire. You can keep parts of it in your head. You can find ways to enact parts of it in ways that are consensual and ultimately positive for everyone involved.

I myself am turned on by some fucked-the-fuck-up shit, and I struggled with that like you're struggling now. What I found was that when I accepted my desire and stopped being afraid of it, it became a lot more manageable. Turns out that its scary, compulsive intensity came from the way that I was trying to repress it. A little like "Don't think of a pink elephant." Maybe it'll work similarly for you.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 7, 2020

You might be too focused on the "quick, sudden brutality". Porn doesn't do it for me either. But I do enjoy good, well written and descriptive roleplay online. It also helps to "practice" with that before getting more physical when it comes to the more "violent" aspects.

There's a number of factors at play here. Not the least of which is "fearplay". But does it have to be quick and sudden with beatings? What about putting someone in line firmly while still saying the sweetest (I use the term loosely) things to them? Letting the situation linger and enjoying the affection even as you hurt someone or get hurt by them. Those porn vids really don't show that do they? "Taking immediate action" and "Suspense" can go hand in hand.

The key to guiding any situation is to slow down a bit. But without stalling. Use force where necessary yet leave room for someone to "physically" comply. If resistance leads to more pain yet obedience leads to a more "flirty" kind of pain then it starts to become more desirable. Provided the affection, intimacy and such is in place while that is happening. What makes the pain "worth it" beyond "pain itself"? This boils down to every word you utter, every movement you make. Everything you say and do to make someone feel wanted/needed. Where they know you have their ultimate safety in mind even if you would hurt them. Lot of pressure isn't it?

I think the best advice I can give is to focus on "suspense" and trying to enjoy the other aspects while simultaneously inflicting that pain. And to put that pain to some kind of "use". Combine it with other things. "Work it in". But focus on what you say as well as do. "Tease" with it. Slowly stroking down along a spine with vampire gloves then spanking someones ass as you're talking to them comes to mind. They're gloves with tiny little "needles" on the palm. Normally I'd hate needles stuck in me, but this is more "tiny little stings" compared to "sticking a needle in your arm".

Whatever you're doing, direct even when subtle. Pause even when taking intimidate action. Maintain that control. If you focus on that above all else the rest should fall into place. It's important to leave room for affection without pain as well as with. Gives the partner something to enjoy beyond it. And then the cycle repeats. One event leading to the other. One existing because of the other.

But perhaps above all else, always ask why that specific type of pain is there in the first place. To see them squirm in that moment? Because the struggled and are being put in line? Because they knowingly challenged you accepting any consequences that can entail? To have the intimacy after the conflict? Treat each and every event on a case by case bases. Best not to overthink it. Just focus on each moment as it arrives.

The film "Mr and Mrs Smith" might give you a better understanding from a psychological level. About how people hurt each other yet it's because they care. Being at each others throats yet working things out in the end. It's a metaphor for what people go through in live. A rough example. But still something you might learn from. There's something to be said about making the best of the worst. And finding ways to turn that into fun and games.

LordofPain56 • Oct 8, 2020

I would say "guide" is the wrong word to use. Rather sadism needs to be "controlled" and that can be difficult to do. In my experience, sadism tends to escalate with time. You must protect your sub from actual physical injury.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 8, 2020

This depends on two factors. 1: The situation. 2: How good you are at controlling a situation already. In a sense control turns into guiding. But even control needs direction, and thus you need to "guide" it somewhere. You don't just randomly point a gun at a target on a firing range and "hope" to hit the target. You "carefully take aim". With control. Slowly and carefully.

It depends on how "loose" or "tight" such guidance is I suppose. Some situations involve S/M are better "loose". Letting spontaneous things happen. While others need to be more carefully managed. The difference of "Being firm and putting in line without being too sharp and pointy" and "Carefully applying pain to the right pressure points".

This reminds me. Be careful about beatings. Organs (and bones) are easier to damage with beatings. This is why it's important to be "in control" when you're "applying pressure". I find the best sadists don't have to resort to beatings personally.