Help for my Daughter

Thanks Grey!

I found out today it may all have to do with her immune disorder which can cause anxiety. I think I may have the same thing to a lesser degree. My daughter and I are talking about it and researching it. Then we will try to find a doc who knows about it.

But...thanks for the advice. It is still needed. ❤

I feel her pain, that is me to a T and we are the same age. It’s not easy and by God there are days where just the thought of interacting makes me cry from the anxiety. On one hand yes being online helps BUT it also can be a to isolate yourself even more.

I would recommend learning to enjoy her own company, grab a book and grab coffee on her own; once she is happy being on her own it will change how she feels. Part of people not approaching as well is how you present yourself, even if you “look” shy if you’re Exuding that Peace and comfort with your own self people will start approaching.

Also start with just smiling and saying hi when you walk into class, you don’t have to talk to anyone. Just even a smile and a nod can be enough. It’s about small things that give off the signs that hey I am approachable and I want to be approached.

What are her interests? Maybe encourage her to get involved with these things. If she likes children maybe have her volunteer at a children's hospital ect. People tend to open up around things they have an interest in..

I have severe social anxiety. Attempting to give someone with it advice regarding being more social/pushing them to be social or to do things people without it do easily can cause more harm than good and make them feel worse than the situation you are trying to help with is making them feel. The same goes for a therapist whose understanding of social anxiety is limited to books instead of personal experience or substantial experience with those with it.

What she needs is to work on grounding and other tools to manage the anxiety itself, and the negative overthinking that underlies it ... things that will help her be able to face social situations, not just advice that tells her to be more social or how to be social. That’s not how it works.

I’m more than happy to message with you privately about it, not here. Have had people openly make jokes about my social anxiety in posts that others took no issue with. Not interested in being subjected to more of that.

Some points to care about from a similar situation with my niece:
1- she chose her school or study last year does not mean she like that now -whatever reasons- we don't want to be in touch with people in a place or field we don't like it. It is the same with living place, etc . It so hard for some girls to tell the changes happened especially if it was her choice.
2- You should know her hobbies, according to that you should find out clubs, groups, communities for her (facebook and google are great tools for that). From there, you should arrange by yourself regular visits to join different groups (wake her up, drive her there, waiting her somewhere near, watch her with keeping free space for her, return her to home, etc. I mean by yourself, do not expect a response in the short term, keep trying) by time manage going out and come back with other people in same groups within her age, or their parents, participating in their families events, etc
3- To perform 1 & 2 you need to have friendly communication with her
4- to perform 1 & 2 ask for a help from close people to her (her favorite teacher, neighbors, relatives, etc.)

I understand it not easy and takes time but you should keep trying.
Best of luck.

As someone with social anxiety & close in age with your daughter, maybe I can provide some insight

Sometimes people I’m envious of how they’re socializing together in/outside of class, aren’t the people we want to be friends with. I know I get overwhelmed with feeling like I NEED to be social like them, since they are the archetype of “young, fun & social.”

What I’ve done is slowly find activities I like and join those groups. I prefer small groups of people. I’ve learned ways to ground myself when my anxiety gets high in social situations. I tell myself the fear of interacting is the hurdle of my anxiety, once I “rip the bandaid off” my anxiety will lessen. It helps me to talk myself through the anxiety.

I like to paint/draw, so I joined an art space where you can go to work and there’s others around. It took a few times going, but I eventually worked up to saying something to someone else (question/compliment) or others approached me. Slowly dialogue opened.

I found this article just now that I feel best describes different types of grounding methods:
https://www.talkspace.com/blog/grounding-techniques-anxiety/

Please feel free to pm me if you’d like to talk or need anymore resources!

As a flip point view from another person like this...

1. Is she miserable being this way or is she content? And is it her not making new friends? Or her not having old ones thats the problem?

I grew up in a rough city, that chip on my shoulder telling other people not to approach me became a part of who i am, if you know me you know that that intimidating aura is on your side and you have nothing to fear, but if your a complete stranger i know nothing about, i dont want you to approach me, i dont trust people i dont know, the reason i bring this up under is she miserable or content, is because for some, its more important to have a few strong connections, then many weak ones, and i believe social anxiety pushes can push us toward this, it then becomes about finding social interactions that she feels passionate about, and if more mutual interests are found during that interaction the chip on the shoulder tends to get bypassed by excitement/dedication/whatever the activity draws out, (for me, pokemon go actually helped me expand my friend pool alot) sometimes we get caught up looking at how to fix something, and dont look at how we can work with it, she doesnt neccessairily need to work through the social anxiety to make friends, she just needs to understand it and work with it

2. Does she want to make more friends?

To someone outside its easy to look and think that someone needs more interaction, but if its not something they want, its not going to happen, if she WANTS to, there are steps she can take to try, if she doesnt then no friendship she makes is going to make a difference until she does, even if she doesnt seem to be happy, there may be something else she needs for her happiness, people arent everyones cup of tea ?

Depending on the situation, other peoples posts may be more accurate, just giving an alternative perspective, she may just not see things the same way you do

Tell her everyone has insecurities and they all hide them #1.

Tell her to start small by smiling at people or holding the door for someone and saying have a nice day; if they say thank you.

You have to force your self to change and it comes in. Little steps.

find a friend that has no problem talking to your daughter and she if the person can open up to her and tell her that they are not here to judge you so whatever she says to the other person only mom and your daughter and the other person will keep it between them only!!