Agreement vs Relationship

Agreement vs Relationship

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 7, 2020

For those who’s been in this lifestyle for a considerate amount of time, what’s BDSM for you:

- A contractual agreement where rules, protocols, rituals are set at the beginning and where parties agree to obey/live by these rules; or

- A relationship based on mutual needs, desires, wishes of each other but without clearly defined rules and protocols in advance, rather establishing what works for each other as the relationship progresses then adding, adjusting, compromising along the way in order for the relationship to be fulfilling and satisfying?

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Oct 7, 2020

As a sub who lives with her DOM . I feel that it's a combination of both of the examples the you have given.

I have rules and such that have been there since the beginning. And others that have we have adapted as we grew from being just friend s to a committed relationship . Not that I had rules and such while friends. But I knew of his rules ahead of time.

Does that make sense??

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 7, 2020

It has to be a combination of both. Those that pretend it's one or the other really are still doing both and contradicting themselves.

You can set all the rules you like, but if someone is miserable because of your rules then don't be surprised when they're broken. At this point one of two things happen. Either things change or someone is selfish and wants things their way alone.

There has to be a degree of going with events both ways. Things don't have to be "planned out" but there does need to be "direction".

I prefer the firm approach (with affection). Use force to change the situation. You can't predict every moment. You must adapt to change (as must I and everyone else). If someone is constantly asking (instead of instructing) and worried about taking action instead of actually doing things, then that's their own fear holding them back. Could be a number of factors for that.

I'll follow any order on the spot when I'm loyal. So what purpose would rules serve after things have been made clear already? Only those lacking awareness need rules, because they don't yet know what they're doing. For context think of a rookie soldier compared to an elite. The former will be worrying about every rule under the sun. The later makes it look so easy. Some things have to be kept in mind, but some rules are also playing it too safe. In the end you have to use your own judgement. Weigh out risk vs reward. And wherever taking a little risk can lead to "friendly/flirty" tension (in the case of relationships). Without getting too far out of line.

Or, if you do start getting out of line, hopefully whoever you're with can you back in it. If not then you're probably going to put each other in danger. A quick moment of warning and threats with quickly moving on (immediately) to better things is preferable to half a year of miscommunication and stress. No rule will ever prepare you for "unexpected event right here right now". So the only rule I really have is to be prepared for the unexpected and make sure others are. Then simply adapt and make the best of things even when shit hits the fan. Otherwise you're just letting yourselves remain stuck in a rut. Hard for those that suffer from anxiety (since they focus on the negatives so much), but easier once you've turned enough situations around. A good dom will have that kind of experience. As do I. Not everyone has that experience so rules can make people feel safer. But that could also end up leading to playing it "too safe" if you're not careful. Life is too short to tread on every eggshell. Even I know that.

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 7, 2020

Thank you allawey! Rules within a committed relationship...yes, it does make sense

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Oct 7, 2020

A mix of both.
In the beginning you will have conversations where you discover what you both like, dislike or are willing to explore.
As a relationship progresses bdsm becomes richer.
You reach a completely different level.
Add commitment and love ...and you will both experience something just so beautiful.

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 7, 2020

I love your response #Taramafor !
“Be prepared for the unexpected and be adaptable to new situations...Having a direction in a relationship without everything being planned in advance...taking risk”...all such good points!

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 7, 2020

Beautifully said, Kajirasubm! Thank you

MariGold • Oct 7, 2020

I agree per your definition, it has to be a combination of both, but in general it is what all parties involved define for them. Some want a dynamic only seperate from their lives, other want a dynamic rooted in a relationship. Whatever floats your boat!

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2020

For me the rules put in place initially are there to protect both parties from harm
Nothing is set in stone , some rules become superfluous after a short time , others remain in place for longer, the relationship is organic it twists and turns as the power exchange happens!

Imagine the relationship to be like a river,
at its source it’s a little flow and it needs guidance and watching, as it bubbles along
as it flows and grows it finds its own guidance and some controls just to keep it in check, as it runs fast and deep
At its delta mouth the flow is powerful and strong , but more placid the guidance unnecessary, but control needs to be strengthened to ensure no damage is caused