I went to a therapist and got confused

I went to a therapist and got confused

Storms n Abi{Whatever } • Oct 7, 2020

Hello all.
So I went to a therapist early this year (not seeing her anymore) and after some assessments she told me that I'm a masochist. I was too confused to ask her about what she meant. But she told me that my love for pain is stopping me from making progress and I should get rid of it.
I told her that I am not a masochist because I have low pain tolerance. But she said that is the only way to move ahead.
What should I do? Should I work on getting rid of my so called 'love for pain' (with another therapist) ? Or just forget what she said and move on?

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Oct 7, 2020

She clearly wasn't the therapist for you.

Was she a board certified psychiatrist/MD ?

That you should " get rid of it " !!!???

No good psychiatrist would ever utter those words.

What they would do is allow you to delve further during each session.

They never " label " a patient.

She's dangerous to the point of damaging.

Find a good Board Certified Psychiatrist MD.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 7, 2020

It maybe a bit unfair to jump to conclusion and label her as a bad therapist without knowing the context of the exchange, but definitely try looking for a therapist who is "kink-aware". Mine is not a PsyD but is very positive about my D/s relationship.

When I mean by context, I think very few well-trained mental health professionals would have an issue with someone identifying as a masochist, but may become alarmed if that trait becomes all consuming (NOT saying the OP is). I am new here, but not completely new to BDSM, and occasionally noticed post where people engage in irrational to downright risky behavior under the name of some kinky act, such as driving drunk, wanting to send money to some stranger, etc., in general behaving in a way no reasonable person, kinky or not, should.

Unfortunately masochism is still classified as a disorder in DSM-5, and it may be necessary to look around/go out of network (I am assuming the OP is in the US, other countries' healthcare system will be different) to find a more compatible therapist.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Oct 7, 2020

I have a kink aware social worker and it's been a boon to my confidence.

I agree, no mere therapist would label someone, since that would be out of their scope of practice and illegal for them to do.

MariGold • Oct 7, 2020

Yup, agreed with the above. Even if you were, it's nothing you can get rid of and no therapist should label you like that. I personally benefit greatly from therapy but it does need the right one to vibe with, to actually help. Forget her and her "assessment" and if you like to give it another shot, find someone else. Talk to them first on the phone, see if you have a good gut feeling before making an appointment. Good luck.

Hypnotist​(dom male) • Oct 8, 2020

A masochist can have a low pain tolerance. Many do.

A quick search brings up this definition:
Deriving sexual gratification from one's own pain or humiliation.

Here are questions to ask yourself. You don't have to answer publicly.

The issue is not what your pain tolerance is, but do you like the experience of feeling pain? Do you like to be hurt? Do you like to feel physical discomfort? Do you feel like you deserve to be physically punished? Were you spanked as a child, and does the thought of being bent over a man's knee and firmly spanked repeatedly arouse you?

Do you have piercings, and/or tattoos? If you do, did you enjoy the experience of the pain they gave you? Did it arouse you? Do you crave more?

If you do not have piercings, or tattoos, does the idea of getting a piercing or tattoo arouse you? If there was nothing in your way, like a lack of money, or the judgment of others, would you get a tattoo or piercing because the experience sounds pleasurable?

You don't have to answer this publicly, but take a look at yourself. Do you self harm? Are you a cutter?

Now, you did not say whether or not you find pleasure in pain, you only said that you have a low tolerance for pain. Buy you seem to hint that you do enjoy pain by not denying it, and asking if you should get rid of it.

You don't say why you left your therapist, so one cannot assume that it was because she said that you were a masochist. If that is the reason that you left her, then what would you hope to accomplish with a new therapist who may come up with the same diagnosis?

Now then, I am going to assume that at least some of my questions above caused you to see that you actually may be a masochist in some way or ways.

You asked "Should I work on getting rid of my so called 'love for pain' (with another therapist) ? Or just forget what she said and move on"?

Well, I can assure you that you are never going to forget what she said, though you can ignore it and go on with your life as if being a masochist is irrelevant to your life and your happiness.

To answer your question of should you to try to get rid of you love of pain, ask yourself this. Is your love of pain affecting your daily life in a negative way? Is it an obsession to such a level that you have a difficult time accomplishing daily tasks and meeting your responsibilities? Is it getting in the way of you being a physically healthy adult? Are other people actually being harmed or affected by it in a rational way?

Or, are you finding ways to enjoy pain without having to participate in extreme behavior like cutting? Things like tattoos, piercings, impact play with a partner? Are you staying safe?

An example of irrational would be if you got a tattoo, and you enjoyed the experience, but when your mother found out she had an extremely irrational reaction of yelling, screaming, crying, and saying hurtful things to you and about you. That doesn't count. Judgmental people need to mind their own business.

An example that would count as a rational way that your love for pain affected others in a negative way would be if you intentionally cut yourself, and you went too deep, and a parent had to leave work to take you to the hospital.

If you love of pain is not directly affecting your life in serious or negative way then it would be my opinion that there would be no reason to get rid of it.

If however your love of pain is affecting your life in a negative way, and you would like that negativity to be gone from your life, then I would say yes, find someone who can help you.

The need or desire to experience pain is not, in and of itself, something that you should feel ashamed or bad about. It does NOT make you "crazy". There is nothing wrong with you or it. Unless your life is being affected in a clearly negative way, and you would like it to stop.

NOTE: I am not a therapist or psychological professional of any kind, and these are just my personal opinions.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 8, 2020

gloryA​(sub female) listen to the advise kajirasubm has given you. I'd give the exact same advise. BDSM is accepted as normal healthy behavior and most trained will know so. I just read your profile and read you are in India. While I understand there may be cultural difference the difference in therapy or mental help on offer shouldn't be that different. As kajirasubm said "Find a good Board Certified Psychiatrist MD."

slavebilly​(sub male) • Oct 8, 2020

One thing I've found...and you may feel more comfortable doing this after several sessions...you can't let the psychiatrist control the conversation. If there is something you dont understand or agree with...you have to speak up. This is your life. If you feel they are not hearing you or are saying something wrong you have to call them out on it.

I'm 64 and have learned that a diploma hung on the wall sometimes doesn't mean anything. You have the right to evaluate your therapist just as much as they evaluate you!

I wish you luck!

House Talion​(dom male) • Oct 8, 2020

Clearly based on what you wrote she wasnt even listening to you

The Thinker​(sadist male){NotLooking} • Oct 8, 2020

Mised that you are in India. You will not get a supportive therapist. Move out of the country.