Consent Isn't Always Enough

Consent Isn't Always Enough

Villanelle​(staff) • Mar 6, 2018

My response to a question on Quora about the difference between a BDSM relationship and an abusive relationship:

Consent IS vital to a healthy and safe relationship but it is possible for one party to give consent and the relationship to still be abusive. Some key things to look out for are:

-do both parties feel they can say “no” at any time and that the “no” will be respected?

-are you scared of your partner or feel she or he is out of control at times? D/s requires sensible, level-headed, caring conduct, particularly when playing.

-do you feel empowered by the relationship? This is something both the dominant AND the submissive should feel when the relationship is fulfilling, safe, and healthy.

-are you being isolated by your partner? Everyone needs friendship and support outside their primary relationship.

-are your needs getting met? Yes, subs have needs and desires too and if your partner is dismissive of yours and insists that it’s all about THEM because they are the dominant then it’s time for a re-evaluation of your dynamic.

Even though you’re playing with power, dominance, and submission, basic rules for healthy relationships apply. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise because it’s BDSM. It’s just a different type of relationship. If you aren’t healthy, happy, and thriving in it you need to talk to your partner about why that is. If you feel like you can’t talk to your partner or worse yet, you feel like you can’t get out, then you MUST contact someone NOW. If you can’t talk to your friends or family you can always contact the good people here:

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
http://www.thehotline.org/

Some great info on consent can also be found at The National Coalition For Sexual Freedom which you can find here:

https://www.ncsfreedom.org/key-programs/consent-counts-64083/consent-counts-44979

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What are your thoughts about consent, health, and safety in your D/s relationships? Have you ever been in a situation where consent was given but that you felt was still abusive? Share your thoughts and experiences with us...

TakenLower • Mar 6, 2018

I have been there. It happened so slowly and methodically that I didn’t see it. Then when I did, I convinced myself that I was wrong every possible way that I could. Even now, staying away is hard. Feeling like I did something wrong by walking away is still there. “-do you feel empowered by the relationship? This is something both the dominant AND the submissive should feel when the relationship is fulfilling, safe, and healthy. ” Is I think the best way to question the relationship without guilt.

Sometimes hotlines don’t help. Sometimes family doesn’t help. Therapists don’t help. I am always willing to try to help anyone with this. I’m not a professional but I’m experienced.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 7, 2018

Oh thank you for this. I actually just wrote up a post on Fetlife on the matter. For a site that acts like people know about consent they certainty do a lot of "I have the answer for you". Personally I don't even do consent. And you know something? It keeps me sane. And myself and others safe. Knowing there's no such thing as an absolute ever. I put that line of thinking in every aspect of my life. Constantly. Always "being aware that the unlikely can happen regardless of our intentions". Reason this keeps me sane is because of "People are hard on themselves" and "They can push themselves and be happy if they put their minds to it" (they don't have to deal with me pressuring them but they better damn well know it's my choice when I'm shitting myself about being overwhelming when they do nothing at all). No one has to change. But people change all the time without even meaning too. Heck, people tend to change just by being accepted "as they are first". It often "just happens" but we can also "make it happen when we put our minds to it". My owner does things with me, but I have to be 100% sure that she does it for HERSELF (always having to remind her on that. 0% in common at first, 1000% now). There's no agree or disagree about it. The fact of the matter is that it's HER choice ALONE. I have my choices. Both have actions and consequences. Now commands? I love commands. Commands I can choose to follow. Choose to not follow. Punishments? I love the "forced things". I never go "I agree" but do "accept" it. Not "with another" but with "myself".

A lot of people think consent seems to translate to "It will never happen". No, it doesn't work that way. You only TRY to make sure the bad things don't happen. But they can STILL happen. To forget the danger itself is the MOST dangerous danger of all. However, there's also "I know best for you". Which pisses everyone off the fuck off. Yet so many people in the world DO THAT and it makes me want to BURN IT WITH FIRE! Frankly, it's why I once went insane.

Then I look at my owner who never does that at all. And remind myself there's a LOT of people that NEVER do that at all as well. Even as strangers, which makes it easy to "just trust", even with them. Which... is both comforting and disturbing. Did they have to learn the hard way as well? Did they have to go insane like I did? Still, point is there's a LOT of people that will trust you if you open up with them. I once thought no one was like that. Isolated myself seeing myself as "a danger". It's how I went insane. Yea... Try not to do that. Not healthy. Was using blame logic back then. Use it on yourself too much and suddenly it's no one to blame at all. Strange that.

And this is why I love pushing myself with fear. Why I need to be pushed into the floor and cower before huddling up to my owner or others (none mono. NOT the same as poly) who does it to remind me of how I hurt others in the past and how to keep her and myself safe and happy (plus I enjoy the experience itself. Keeping her safe and happy makes ME safe and happy). The collar came off last night. Misunderstandings, you know. It scared me more then anything. I could hardly keep myself together, even crying in the corner. She felt bad but she hurt me. That wasn't "practice", that was either an intended act or out of control. Intent be damned (another line of logic I put into every aspect of my life. Blunt honesty gets to the truth out). And she agreed. Then it came back on after talking things out. And we told each other one simple thing.

I accept the WORST of you.

Consider what it means. In yourself and others alike.

Wycked_lil_witch​(dom female) • Mar 11, 2018

I once talked to a sub had just been rescued from someone she consented to train her. They had met on-line, though she never told me where, and talked almost every day for over three months. after which she agreed to him training her. he sent her a buss ticket, and consent forms. She told me they looked ok so she signed them and faxed them back to him. when she got off the bus he picked her up and took her to his house which is where he told her about his wife and three kids. anyway she was chained in the basement and repeatedly beaten, two cracked ribs, broken jaw. Luckily a good friend of his was a Doctor in town who would come out and patch her up every few weeks. No Hospital or paper trail. After almost four months of this a friend of hers came and took her from the house at gun point, and when she reported the ass hat she was told that she signed consent and there wasn't anything they could do. Think on that gives me the chills, back then when I heard it and now repeating it. Be carefull