A little bit lost and worried

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2020

I don’t remember asking you (or anyone else) what’s in your pants , but if you chose to ignore the fact I was reaching out to help me (and others) understand you then there’s not a lot I can do is there?

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

Oh my gods seriously? You said right in your post that if you would ask someone "are you Martha or Arthur"

I'm sorry that being called out on this being phobic is upsetting for you but I don't have the patience or the skill to walk you through it.

People seem to think that if you say something like "well it's not meant as offensive" thst makes it ok. Its not ok. Its deeply hurtful. Its questioning the very fabric of my identity and you have no idea how that feels. I wouldn't wish that feeling upon you. I'm actually glad you don't know. Because it sucks.

But not knowing doesn't mean you can't try and be understanding and sympathetic and actually listen when someone tells you that something is harmful

strictlygentle​(dom male){Queen Alex} • Oct 21, 2020

What a great example of the problem. "If you don't agree with my opinion on X, you are slur Y, period, sorry to burst your bubble."

"If you don't do this, you aren't a dom."

"If you don't do this, you aren't a sub."

"If you cry, you must be weak."

What, let me guess, transphobe isn't a slur? Just an accurate statement of fact?

*sigh*

I bet it would only take me 15 seconds on Youtube to find someone prominent saying "Sorry to burst your bubble, but there are only two genders. If you disagree, you are an idiot." I bet if I tried hard enough, I could find your exact phrasing as an anti-trans or anti-NB statement.

The world is rarely so black and white.

But hey, feel free to blindly add to the totality of negativity, pain, and non-acceptance in the world. Almost everyone does, whether they mean to or not, as I'm sure you are acutely aware.

You might find this insightful though:

https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/01/24/conflict-vs-mistake/

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

Yeah wow. Thanks for proving my point. False equivalencies is the key to defeating people who are simply trying to defend their very identity

But sure, compare my entire fucking self with being a Dom or sub.

As I've said. As a cis person you do not get to decide what is or is not transphobic.
Just like a man doesn't get to decide what's sexist or misogynistic, and a white person doesn't get to decide what's racist.

But tell me more about how my identity is only subjective and how saying a trans woman isn't a woman is perfectly acceptable

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

And no, transphobe isn't a slur. If someone is being hateful towards gay people we don't hesitate to call them out on it nowadays. But because trans people are "scary and new" (even though we aren't either) it's ok to be a giant douche

strictlygentle​(dom male){Queen Alex} • Oct 21, 2020

And thanks for proving my point. I didn't say that your identify was subjective, or that trans women aren't women. I also didn't make the claim that I get to decide what is transphobic or not, only that calling someone transphobic is a slur and was (in the present case) an example of black and white thinking. I believe it is, in both cases, whether you agree with my belief or not. I didn't compare your identity with being dom or sub (although I don't immediately see how that would be unfair, as it's not a choice in many cases), rather I compared the thinking and the resulting statement. Feel free to re-read my posts. You won't be able to quote me on any of the words you are trying to put in my mouth because I didn't say them.

I believe that you are just assigning all these negative things to me because you've "pattern-matched" me as an enemy. I believe you think of me as an enemy because I pointed out that you're engaging in one of the same behaviors that you are being harmed by. That is very black and white - or if you prefer, binary - thinking, and it is one of the things that people do that hurts you, so I'd like to believe that you can understand how it can be harmful to others, and perhaps try to be more nuanced in the future. Trans people aren't the only people with issues they are working through, communication and understanding are hard, and empathy is good for everyone to get and to give.

But tell me more about how I'm trying to defeat you or what thoughts I'm allowed to have.



I don't often hear straight people who aren't interested in dating people of the same gender/sex/etc. being called homophobes, nor do I see that being called hateful. But hey, let's talk about false equivalencies...

Mistake vs conflict. Understanding vs attacking.

*shakes head and walks away*

Believe me, I'm not walking away because of your (lack of) gender. It's your lack of charity in discussion, which is all too common these days, despite the fact that charity is becoming *more* important as we move towards online communication where we may not have body language or tone cues to go by.

Best of luck, and I hope you find whatever acceptance, love, and joy you are seeking.

shortylotus​(dom female) • Oct 21, 2020

Unfortunately there are people who will make you feel bad whether your transgender, big or small, man or woman everywhere. I have definitely met my fair share in life. Try not to let these people doubt who you are or what you want. Instead see them as a reason to bring yourself to a better place. I know this is easier said then done, but by doing this not only do you become stronger for yourself, but you are also then in a position to offer you're hand to others struggling along the way. At the end of the day it doesn't matter what we are but who we are and we are just humans trying to navigate through this maze called life....

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

Transphobe is not a slur. If you're transphobic you're a transphobe. Pretty simple

I am really trying to give folks here a chance to prove that you arent all cisnormative people who don't care that a (admittedly small) subset of the community won't feel welcome or safe here but other than a small few supportive comments it's not looking great.

And yes, that sounds condescending. Tbh I don't care at this point. I'm being talked down to in a way I never expected in the kink community

NoClvrNickname​(sub female) • Oct 21, 2020

“SHOULD BE....” yes. Totally agree. But let’s face it, plenty of people don’t behave as they SHOULD, especially when they are hiding behind a keyboard. I can assure you that you are far from being the only person who has been on the end of completely inappropriate questions from strangers on this site (or any other social media site, for that matter).

Some people have blatantly shitty manners and are total douchebags. Block them & move on. Other people may be ignorant of what is considered acceptable/appropriate & are not going to be intentionally offensive or disrespectful; they will respond well to a gentle correction.

Sorry you’re not pleased with your experience thus far. Definitely contact the Cage and voice your concerns about the “transgenders” labeling & inquire about getting some terminology changed.

UrsaMinora​(sub agender) • Oct 21, 2020

Unfortunately if this post is anything to go by it's not just an isolated few people on here but seems to be a widespread issue. People don't like having their preconceptions challenged, it makes them uncomfortable. That's human nature. What makes us grow as people is working through that discomfort and learning.

I've contacted an admin but have yet to hear back from them about anything