Cheesecake & Bedroom Openness

Cheesecake & Bedroom Openness

alphawolfishere​(dom male) • Oct 29, 2020

Several years ago, I decided to give cheesecake a try. I liked it. Before then, I would’ve told you cheesecake is a no go. Still, I tried it. Had I not been open to it, I would be missin’ out!

Similarly, when I ask people about their limits or bedroom preferences, I often come across those who say they are open to trying something. For me, I can work with that. I mean, it’s a start—right?

Here’s my main question...

Suppose one of your sexual desires or fantasies is a “maybe” for your potential love or partner interest... is that a deal breaker? Do you see it as a risk? Or do you move forward and let trust work things out?

I’d love to get your thoughts on this topic.

Thanks!

BigBubbles • Oct 29, 2020

I guess it depends on if it's something I've actually done before or just a fantasy. Theres things I've fantasized about that I havent done yet, that I may not care for once I try it. So that wouldnt be a deal breaker. But if it's something I know I want or need and it's a weak "maybe" that might make me think about it, just depends on how important it is to me. I dont know if that answers your question or not.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 30, 2020

It will be quite rare that two people's bedroom preferences align perfectly. For me, if the majority are aligned, and some are "maybe", and some are completely off limits, I am willing to go forward with the relationship.

It is important to know (at least to me) why people object to certain things. Using your cheesecake example, if you like cake, you like cream cheese, you like sweets, sure, go ahead if give cheesecake a try. Another person may not be able to eat sweets, or cheese for health reasons. In that situation we need to respect the limit and not even attempt to make that person "give it a try". In addition to physical health, we also need to consider mental health in the bedroom. For example, (and just an example), it will not be wise, if someone is a rape victim and listed CNC is a limit, for a D type to push that limit.

As corny as it sounds, open communication is the key.

DrKrall • Nov 1, 2020

I would ask myself 3 questions.
1. What do I need?
2. What do I want?
3. What are my limits?

Then I would ask the other person. If her limits are my needs then it is a dealbreaker. If her limits are my wants, then I have to figure out if I can live without it or not.

Most relationships are built on compromises. Once I had a total match. Once. We both had "Death and permanent damage" as our only limits. This of course didn't mean we did everything else, but it meant everything else could be suggested and discussed without judgement.

Miki • Nov 1, 2020

I'll stick with cheese cake. It never talks back

Seriously, a "deal breaker" is generally someone who refuses to take "No" or even "Maybe" for an answer.

Like "high pressure sales" from guys in showroom sporting cheap suits. The higher the pressure the faster I walk my skinny ass out the door.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2020

Having had the benefit of trying most things in this lifestyle, I can honestly say nothing is a deal breaker, yes I have things I enjoy a lot ! But seriously would I jeopardise a relationship for them certainly not !

That doesn’t mean that conversations about the said activity can’t happen and who knows thoughts can change and the unacceptable becomes acceptable

It’s all about communication not coercion

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 11, 2020

There are a couple problems with the try thing once perspective.

Sex isn't cheesecake. On any level physical or psychological trying food is not trying anything two people can share. (I get what you're doing. I like to come at things from left field as well when I write.) However, The emotional/physical aspect of trying things sexual or thing in the BDSM realm is vastly different.

S0...
Why is the person unwilling?
What made them unwilling?
Is their "no" attached to emotional issues, or old damage, or old health concerns?
Or...
Do they know themselves extremely well and are they very well defined thus making their choices grounded in authenticity?

Sometimes people who don't know themselves show an openness that is the absence of self knowledge and common sense. Some people are reckless. Some are on a mission to hurt themselves as a way to punish others from their past.

"I'll try anything once.." makes me take a giant step back.
"I've given this a lot of thought, did some reading and want to try ______" that I can respect.

All these questions boil down to compatibility. It isn't about being compatible with the action. It's about being compatible in how you approach things and why.

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Nov 11, 2020

It is all about communication. There are so may ways to play, so many possible activities, and possibly modifications to specific things that I feel like if two people are connected and what to please one another, you can find your way through soft limits in ways that work for both. I remember a woman who told me she did not like anal play but was willing to try certain types cause she knew I loved it, and by the time I was done with her she was a total anal slut. Loved everything we did and asked for more intense play.

Being sensitive to someone who is willing to try something that may be unsure about helps a great deal. But it is all communication, open and honest that makes everything work.

TheWhorelock​(dom male) • Nov 11, 2020

I think there’s a fundamental question of what we’re talking about that matters here. There’s a lot of extenuating circumstances we could be talking about.

Like, if my partner doesn’t like anal but she’s amazing and I’m into her on every other level than while that’s sad cause I like plowing my partners derrière, ultimately it’s just a fun activity and I don’t require it. However, if she’s not interested in my D/s lifestyle choices that’s very different. While yes technically I don’t *need* to own a slave there’s a fundamental disagreement about how we want to live our lives. Those are both things that would be listed in kinks, but have very strongly different ramifications.

Also, your goals in intimacy matter here too. Maybe your goal is to explore sounding and figging and the most important thing for you right now is that exploration. In that case you’re not looking for true love and your requirements are very different as a result. I think though that if you’re looking for partnership it’s important to be very clear with yourself about what are the things that you truly need and desire in a partner, and what’s just your preferred icing on the cake.

Lastly, I think one of the problems with the words “Soft Limits” and “Hard Limits” is that they don’t distinguish between things you’ve never tried or things you have tried. A hard limit of “No Anal” for instance is super common, but if that person has never tried it that’s kind of a fundamentally different position to be coming from than if they have and hated it. I’ve know many many subs that were never ever going to try X activity, but when they found someone who they trusted deeply and were super turned on by they were absolutely game to explore. I think it can be a kind of accidental self gaslighting when we ask people to define themselves through these narrow lenses and simple boundary structures, and then get them super drunk on endorphins and hormones and ask them what they like.