Wrong type of submission?

Wrong type of submission?

Dromus​(sub femme) • Nov 12, 2020

I've been recently approached by a dominant with an offer for a mentorship (as I said I was looking for one in my profile). However, some of the things they said seemed oddly intimate for a discussing a possible mentorship with someone I just met. When I questioned them for some of the things they were saying to me, they responded me, saying "if you are a true sub..." this that and the third, and said that I am not cut out for the lifestyle if I am not as they described a sub to be. Even though I'm relatively new when it comes to things kink/bdsm related, but I'm quite sure that saying things like "if you were a true sub" is a form of gaslighting. Am I wrong?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 12, 2020

"When I questioned them for some of the things they were saying to me, they responded me, saying "if you are a true sub.."

Take out the word sub and put in the word doormat.

Every woman I know with a brain, who has been approached by this type of opportunistic predator (my word) was not sub or slave enough because she dared ask an appropriate question. <~~~read that again.

I've mentored 5 subs/slaves and one newbie Dominant. Mentoring is non sexual. It's not play although I did teach the Dom a few things but forbade even more. In a nutshell mentoring is a thankless, pain in the ass.

The newbie is excited and the mentor says.... calm down.
The newbie wants to do it all, see it all, etc. and the mentor says...not so fast.
The newbie thinks everyone who approaches is real and true and the mentor says... no they aren't.
The newbie meets a guy who's gonna teach her everything, easy peasy, and the mentor says, no read and learn on your own. Else you won't know if he is knowledgeable.
Then at some point you are fired as mentor, because they are tired of hearing NO.
Then they go get hurt and run back and you comfort them because we all rushed and some of us got hurt.

And you try again.
And so it goes. Mentoring is sacrifice and service. And it is good to do but most who mentor stop at some point.

When these guys approach they call it mentoring so they can play and sex you and then dump you later giving the reason, "it was only a teaching thing"

No, it was a using thing.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Nov 12, 2020

" not a true....""" is equal to " not a door mat / weak..." just as said above . There are many SUBS on here who while not actually mentoring... they share their stories and knowledge via blogs . And there are blog that share links to great sites on subject you may have questions on.

As far as which ppl to talk to whether it be other subs or be it Doms . I would suggest asking around , reading their blogs not only newer ones but go back in time and read those blogs also . Finding the ones that touch you, have a similar mind set as you

Bunnie • Nov 12, 2020

@ SubtleHush,

I think that is one of the best responses I have seen in regards to not only what describes a Mentor beautifully, but also the struggle those who choose to Mentor go through with newbies, and how predators hide behind it as an umbrella. Well said, thank you.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2020

Thank you Bunnie. Nice of you to say.

Re: Wrong type of submission?

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 14, 2020

"True Sub" my ass. When I hear those words out of some tool, I follow with 2 of my own, "Bull Shit". There is no official document, law or authority empowered to issue hard framed definitions of BDSM roles.

I take pride in that I am no sub at all except during punishment and sex sessions from which I walk away still an independent career woman who lives in her own place and answers to none.

bunnyowl​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2020

One of things I learned, when trying to find a Dom and also just to learn (and I by no means am anything other than a newbie at this still), is that there is a huge difference between dominant and domineering AND submissive and doormat.

As a sub, you have the right to ask questions & interview potential Doms & mentors, and even do the same of other subs. The ones that really want to learn, grow and help you, and truly are in this lifestyle for the right reasons will welcome a series of communications to determine the "right fit". And, they will have a two-way communication.

I am still learning and I truly believe most of us are still learning- which is part of the fun too!

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 14, 2020

Tongue-in-cheek post:

I do take this thread seriously but I have to let out some of my witty, or sometimes outright goofy nature:

The Dom Test: See how he handles ordinary domestic scenarios. I haven't actually done this yet but it's on the blotter:

Eat a whole bunch of cabbage and eggs and some beans (accelerant) and stink the hell out of his bathroom, leave the door open afterwards and see how he reacts.

or

Look at his schlong and suggest I'm looking for something more along the lines of a Size 8, as a joke but totally dead-pan. See how the dude handles it.

Rip a loud one when in public with the fella, again awaiting reaction.

(Oh wait, the last one is impossible. "Girls Don't Fart")

Have a sunny day, everyone in freak land!

:0

nuli​(sub female){Unkolared} • Nov 14, 2020

Hate people like that! Just because you don't fit their idea of slave/submissive doesn't mean someone else what want what you offer.

I won't call them fake because I don't know them and what might seem fake to me might not to someone else.

It takes all kinds of people to make this world move. Being in the BDSM aspects makes that even more so. Everyone has their own idea of what is real to them.

YesSirThankYouSir​(sub female){Collared} • Nov 14, 2020

This sounds predatory, I think you were right to trust your instincts. If they really wanted to be your mentor, they would be respecting your limits and slowly helping you understand and question them. Instead, they put you down and questioned your fitness for the lifestyle based on what they labeled as your innate submissiveness. It seems incompatible that a mentor would focus on your innate qualities, rather than what they can help you develop. That would be the whole point of mentorship, right?