Relationship dilemma (please help idk what to do)

Relationship dilemma (please help idk what to do)

CatLover​(switch female) • Jan 22, 2021

Me and my bf are both switches and we really enjoy BDSM. We're now moving together and planning on living together long-term. I enjoy sex with him but he ONLY wants bdsm. I have childhood abuse trauma and I'm still learning how to listen to my body and being more in the moment while we're having sex, and at times bdsm can be pretty rough for me and I find myself having to say the safe word and ask to stop the session.
For a while I really didn't give much importance to what I want and feel, and now I'm starting to realize I really enjoy our sex life but I sometimes want to have sex and not be limited by a set of rules or have to limit him with my own rules. Although I love dominating him/being dominated by him, I sometimes just want to have sex free of limitations and role-play. I sometimes just wanna be able to hug and make-out during sex, share eye-contact, and just have us both be able to say what we want and do what we want. I wanna be able to call him by his name sometimes, and to hear him call me by my name. I don't ever want to be in a vanilla relationship again and we both love each other and I don't want to leave him, but I miss the feeling of organic, free-of-rules sex sometimes, and I'm not sure how to talk to him about it, as he made it clear to me in the past that he doesn't want vanilla sex and only enjoys sex with bdsm.
Is there some kind of middle ground here? Can sex be 'not vanilla' while not having a strict set of rules (I'm ok with torture, choking etc. I just want to be able to not have to stick to rules every once in a while...)?
Does anyone have any advice on this matter?

CinderellaOnTheRun​(sub female){protected} • Jan 22, 2021

This is going to sound so obvious but communicate with him everything you just wrote down. If talking is hard for you then write it down and show it to him.

Sex is exciting with someone you love and it doesn't necessarily have to always be kinky to be fun. A missionary position for example where you both are sharing eye contact and whispering dirty/love words to each other is as exciting and beautiful as being held down and restrained.

If you keep ignoring your needs, it will come to the point where you will stop enjoying sex altogether since you are not in the right emotional and mental mindset.

You both are moving in together and it is a serious relationship, if you keep bottling things up it will become toxic. So never, ever hesitate to say what's on your mind. This is a two way relationship where both partners need to know the others feelings, likes and, dislikes. So don't overthink it nor assume what his feelings will be and just let it out.

Wishing you all the best

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Jan 22, 2021

I agree with CinderellaOnTheRun 100%. It needs to be discussed openly. You have expectations, wants, and needs. these have to be met just as much as his do. Again, the idea of writing it down if you are unable to speak it is great!!. I have Psyche keep a journal for this very purpose. I know that there may be things that she is not comfortable with talking to me about face to face however, in her journal she can write these things down and I am able to read them. Let me say that when I read, I do not talk to her directly about what she has said unless she brings it up. I use it to reflect. I use it to see what I need to do in order to be a better Dom / Partner to her. So this might be an idea that you can bring up. Again, if it is used, there needs to be clarification that anything in that journal may not be used against the person writing in it and should never involve any type of discipline. It is a safe place to write about feelings and concerns. It is used for reflection and to better understand where our partner is at.

I hope this helps
Eros

IowaDom​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2021

Completely agree with both posts - but wanted to add .... since you are Topping sometimes, why not use your top time for a roleplay that would be exactly what you want? Maybe you are the innocent virgin being seduced by the "playah" or -- you are the cougar seducing the virgin? just an idea ...

MountaintopMaster • Jan 22, 2021

Wow, I can relate! Blending vanilla and BDSM is not easy, but if you really love each other, you'll make it work, of course!

As everyone has said, communication is key. It's the initial approach that can be challenging. For me, what might work best could the angle, "because of my past, I want us to try a gentler dynamic, more of a daddy/little dynamic, where you treat me lovingly, look into my eyes while we have sex, hug me, make out with me, show me that you care for me, gently/passionately. I often do love it rough, (or, insert whatever he's into) ...but I think there is part of me that needs less of a harsh master, and more of a kind, caring daddy."

Of course, you don't have to have him treat you like a child, if that would be weird; you can instruct/ask him to treat you like an adult, but just be that different type of Dom.

Just because it's gentle, passionate, and full of love doesn't mean it's vanilla. It's just the thing you deeply desire sometimes, and so you should be able to add it to your dynamic, or your relationship in general.

Of course I say this knowing that if he is 100% a sadist then it might be words falling on deaf ears, but again, if you both truly love each other, you'll give each other what you desire most, without question and without reservation. There's nothing more D/s than openly negotiating a deep, primal need, and providing it to your partner whenever they ask for it!

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2021

To start, have him read this thread. It gets hard to say what needs to be said cause emotions get in the way.