Punishments

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 26, 2021

@SubtleHush so much wisdom in your words! Totally agree with what you are saying

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 26, 2021

@ SubtleHush , to add to your thoughtful insight which i so agree with, I would like to say that I came to this lifestyle out of my strengths not my weaknesses and to find someone special who uses my strengths to empower me and never uses my weaknesses to diminish me is a huge blessing and i don’t take it for granted and am truly grateful for that!
I must say I would never consider or stay in a relationship where i feel disempowered, lessened as a human being. We all know bdsm itself carries lots of misconceptions, misunderstandings from an outside world but it is only because not everyone seeks, longs for this type of sexuality and it is totally ok but if 2 people enter into bdsm dynamic together they need to be compatible, they need to care for each other, they need to be sensitive to each other’s needs and desires for the relationship to work... because when it happens the outcome is the most fulfilling, satisfying and amazing experience it could ever be. The problem of course is meeting that right person. To me i think it is much harder than in vanilla world because there are so many spectrums and diversities in kinks, personal preferences etc

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Jan 26, 2021

This is Eros and I will add my 2 cents for what it is worth.

It is all going to boils down to what you and your partner agree on in the dynamics power exchange. Psyche, for example, craves that discipline of being held accountable. She wants to know that if she has done something that displeases me, that I will take action with disciplining (punishing) her. She has had this experience with me. Not all dynamics work the same so, it is up the you and your partner to discuss theses things openly.

I want to touch a little more on the terminology I have seen this far. First, I don’t like using the word “Punishment” as Psyche can tell you. I prefer the word “Discipline”. Let me explain why. Punishment to me means that you did something and you get the result but, there is no teaching as to what to do to correct it. In example, I ask Psyche to fold towels and put them away. She folds my towels wrong and I see it, tell her it is wrong and take her and paddle her back side and put her in to her place. Does this train her to what I expect? No, it only says “you displeased me so you get punished”. Is this fair to Psyche?
Discipline on the other hand looks like this. I ask Psyche to fold the towels and put them away. She folds them wrong and I see it. I ask her to stop and let me show her what I expect. I physically take a towel and show her how to fold it. Then I have her repeat and redo the ones that were done incorrectly. I use it at as teaching moment.
If it happens again after that, then I will ask why? And then move to more severe disciplinary actions as required.
An example of this would be that I asked Psyche to download a specific app on her phone and I explained why. She didn’t do it. I asked why and she said she had forgot. OK, life happens, so I asked her to get it done again. Guess what, she didn’t do it again. Said she forgot again. So I asked her why she just didn’t do it right then while it was fresh on her mind? She didn’t know why she didn’t do it but knew she should have. So I told her again. And again it didn’t get done. So I explained that I have asked multiple times and it still was not done. This was disrespectful to me. This caused her to receive a paddling. And I explained to her why before I did it. This to me is proper Discipline. Again it all depends on the severity but, true Discipline comes with proper training where punishment is you did wrong and you get punishment with no corrective aspect.

Funishment is different and is technically used on a Brat. It is only a term and is a Pain for Pleasure. It is when a Brat is purposely doing something to get disciplined for. They are knowingly be bad because they want to get spanked or what ever other discipline they are looking for, unlike discipline that is used for teaching and correction. As you read, Psyche doesn’t like the term so we do not use it. And that is part of our dynamic.

Again, it is all about what you and your partner decide. There isn’t only one way of doing things. It is about open communication and consent, this even includes terms that will be used in the dynamic.

I hope this helps.

Eros.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Jan 26, 2021

Interesting reading these.

We currently have a mixture somewhere in the middle. I think that I will “borrow” from Eros and try to use the term discipline, instead of punishment.

We are newly started on this journey of expanding beyond the bedroom, and have some agreed rules in place. As they are new, mistakes occur, however, the type of mistake influences the response.

For example, she is not allowed to kiss me with her head elevated above mine, a nice subtle rule that reminds her she is my sub, but is not obvious in front of others. Making a mistake with this results in a 5 count spanking, something she actually enjoys. Therefore I wouldn’t call it a punishment - a funishment if you will. However, the ritual around it is that she must state before and after why it’s being done - as a reminder. On the other side, she (by accident) removed her day collar ready for a shower, instead of asking me to remove it. This then resulted not in a spanking but a discussion about it’s importance and the importance of ritual around removal....

Are we right or wrong? Who knows, most of this is down to individual opinion.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Jan 26, 2021

@PaulW - you are spot on (in my view). Again, each dynamic is different so we do what works for us and ours.
As far as the disciplining goes (again my opinion) if it goes to the point of spanking, it is going to be a discipline spanking and not erotic (funishment). I do it to instill the severity of the action, so if it is pleasurable, then it is not a deterrent from the action. Again, this is our dynamic that we have consented to. Doesn’t have to be yours.

Eros

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 27, 2021

@Eros thank you so much for contributing to this discussion! It was interesting to see your view on punishments in d/s dynamics. I understand and agree that discipline has a different meaning to punishment.
What puzzled me is your view on funishments ( pain for pleasure). I am definitely not a brad ...it is against my nature/my personality. However, i do enjoy sexual pain because it enhances my arousal and ultimately the release. Would you agree that pain for pleasure is not only for brats as a type of submissive?
I would never do anything on purpose to provoke discipline/punishment but at the same time i want to receive pain because of the mentioned above reasons.
Also, i must agree that in certain situations I would feel a need to be disciplined not because i deliberately disobeyed my Master ( i always long and strive to please him) but because even unintentionally causing disobedience there are situations where i could do better ( we are not perfect) so I would embrace discipline in those circumstances and would actually feel grateful for it.

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Jan 27, 2021

@Curiousmind - first let me clarify the “funishment” term. It is just a term some use for erotic punishments, specifically when there is a submissive that identifies as a “Brat” in that dynamic . Don’t get stuck on the word. If you like pain in your play then it is pain for pleasure, or to use the proper term, you would be considered a masochist and your Dom a sadist if they enjoy giving pain. There is nothing that says it has to be called funishment. As I said, it will be between you and your D what terms are used. Even in the case of the Brat submissive, there are those that don’t use the term funishment.

To answer your question about if I would agree that pain for pleasure is not only for those that identify as brats? My answer is that I do agree that it is not only for those that identify as brats. It is a fundamental part in most D/s - M/s dynamics. The SM does stand for Sadomasochist or Sadist/masochist depending on who you talk to. A lot of people like pain play.

It can get confusing with all the terms that are out there. The important thing is not to get stuck on them. If you don’t like a certain term, then don’t use it. They are only ways to describe the Dynamics of people’s relationships.

Hope that clears it up a little. If not let me know. The important thing is that you do and say what works for you.

Eros

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 27, 2021

Thank you @Eros! 😊

I apply law and definitions at my workplace all the time so it is good not to concentrate on such in a d/s dynamic and enjoy the ride based on the mutual needs and desires.
I really appreciate your feedback!
Best wishes

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 27, 2021

Curiousmind​(sub female){Principe}

@ SubtleHush , to add to your thoughtful insight which i so agree with, I would like to say that I came to this lifestyle out of my strengths not my weaknesses and to find someone special who uses my strengths to empower me and never uses my weaknesses to diminish me is a huge blessing and i don’t take it for granted and am truly grateful for that!

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Indeed. I've always said that this lifestyle lifts me up. I have no room in my 'flight' for those who would drag me down.

It is hard to express (even for a writer) how inspiring the right mix of people can be. When I encounter someone who wants to tear women down and degrade them, I can't help but see that person as less. I don't need to analyze them but clearly, from my worldview, they need-not want to tear others down. (And please don't argue this with me, like we're ever going to meet or want to be friends. I don't freind folks with this attitude.)
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Have had the same conversation a few times with a few different men, over the years. We chat for a while. I am funny, light in what I say. I might be a little snarky or challenging but it is more dry humor than bitchiness. He says, "You must like getting punished a lot." (My experience tells me that those who default to punishment because I am quicker or funnier than them usually ask this type of thing.)

I say, "No not my need. But I DO like partners who can 'keep up' and know when I'm joking and when I'm not."
He asks, "How many times have you been punished?"

Me: "Exactly twice in 22 years." The first with great love, because I had forgotten a writing assignment. But mostly because I was in Chemo at the time and insisted on being treated as a whole person, not a sick person.

(Funny but a cautionary tale to this... If you forget a writing assignment and He asks how many words you would have written, do NOT say something like, "Oh gosh, well, I'm prolific so probably 200 - 300 words. LOL, I had no idea he would hit me that many times. And he didn't. He made me lower the number.) Low numbers people. Low numbers. LOL)

The last was a Dom who beat me with a cane until the cane broke. He was furious even though it was not a big problem, He had rage issues.

His expiration clock started ticking that day.

I think the notion that you can just roll into things like punishment/discipline set a lot of people up. If your partner needs to beat you for everything, it isn't power exchange and you are not a committed couple. You are just two (or more) people in a tug of war for control. A self-sustaining relationship long term usually includes finessed terms for such things if those people want them in the dynamic. Then again long term and finessed relationships don't usually use punishment as the lynchpin. You do the math.

H*

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Jan 27, 2021

@SubtleHush I really enjoy your writings and the way you express yours! Something that you said in your last response touched my heart on the very deep personal level and brought tears...something still very fresh in my memory and which always will be part of my life journey because it transformed me into a better version of me, made me stronger, wiser and even gave me courage not to hide my deepest desires and longings anymore but seek to live them out.
Thank you ❤️