Did I misread my Dom?

kare​(sub female) • Jan 18, 2021

Umberlee...

My heart has already seen things that he does not... It is a question I need to ask myself whether I can continue as is or if I need to walk away...I made assumptions that he was moving in the same direction as me regarding our arrangement...

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2021

Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I've seen this happen before and for the person who falls in love it can be brutal because the other will walk away.

Do not assume he will develop feelings when he might not be able to. He might have issues that make that entanglement abhorrent to him.

Were it me? I'd walk. I do get emotionally involved and know not to enter into something contrary to my nature.

I think you are both wrong.
You didn't ask you just took his actions as a sign.
He had sex with you without protection so anything could happen and he was not prepared to stand by you had something happened.

I knew a guy who was very generous to the women he dated. 5 star hotels, gifts, wine and dine 'em. He never intended to stick around. And when her broke their hearts he just told himself they only missed the money.

We didn't last because I didn't let him pour gifts on me. I wanted the relationship and I had to walk away.

And, honestly I am not sure how you have a Dom casually. By its nature our power exchange is never casual. Restrict yourself to topping and bottoming Ds and Ms takes time and an emotional investment. And if you want that look closely as to why you agreed to this.

You might enjoy Steve Harvey's book, "Act like a lady but think like a man"

Really helps you to see men as they are, (not bad or good) and stop trying to change them into something else.

Hope this helps.

Good luck

Emma the graceful​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2021

I agree with Miki especially if your heart is in it or else you will only get hurt.

Breaking free out of such a comfortable restraint and dynamic can be hard.

Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • Jan 29, 2021

I'm so sorry... but he attempted to charm you! He's a fake! Doubting yourself is proof! Find a real man and know yourself before you talk like this again!

No offense... I'm just pissed to be reading the topic description!

Bunnie • Jan 29, 2021

This is my perspective on this situation, which may give some insight into where he might be coming from, so hopefully it might help a little.

I hold very strongly to agreements made. In my world, our word is everything. That is why I negotiate in a very detailed way before I play with anyone, especially if it’s in an ongoing capacity. Once everything has been negotiated and clarified (even wording), we play freely within those parameters. This is what makes me feel safe with someone. If they change our agreement, and yes, agreeing at the beginning that love is off the table is part of my negotiations... I walk. Why? Because at worst, they weren’t honest about their overall intentions, and at best, they changed the rules. I would suggest looking at it like a hard limit. This may seem harsh. Which is more harsh? Letting them decide to stay and keep hoping that maybe I’ll change my mind? Or letting them find someone who wants the same things as them? I’ve never been able to decide, so I tend to stick with what I feel is best.

Now, let me clarify how I define love, because I am of the mindset that love is a choice. Who I choose to give my heart to is very different from those I love in a more general sense. I do come to love my play partners... all of them. I love in many different ways. Family love, friendship love, acquaintance love, love for humanity, love for all living things. I can love without emotional connection, and I can love with a deep bond and emotional connection without it meaning I’m in love with someone.

That last one is how I bond with people I play with. Intimacy. Intimacy creates a type of love... but not a lovers love, for me. I adore that connection. And enjoy sharing that with someone I am exploring with. It is a gift we give each other. However if that becomes misrepresented or misinterpreted, the bond is broken for me, and so is the trust. This may sound odd and may not even make sense... but there is my truth around it all. Perhaps it is the same for your friend. It’s really painful to see that that hurts people, but I am someone who’s everything lays within the confines of trust, structure, respect, honesty and our agreement to each other.

To me, the disconnect you’ve experienced here is that things weren’t clarified enough during negotiations, and you’re trying to “change the rules.” Of course you can’t help feeling how you feel, but the only answer is to either have a very honest discussion and try to renegotiate, or walk away... because it seems very unlikely this is going to become the relationship you’re hoping it will be. Just remember, no one is right or wrong... it’s simply about compatibility.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2021

Quirkyrebel​(sub female)
I'm so sorry... but he attempted to charm you! He's a fake! Doubting yourself is proof! Find a real man and know yourself before you talk like this again!
No offense... I'm just pissed to be reading the topic description!
..........................
Calling him a fake isn't really helpful. Mostly because we don't all have the same measuring stick for that. Assuming everyone who doesn't want what you want is a fake is like men assuming any woman who declines them must be gay.

The crux of it is that Kare and this guy want different things. Personally giving my best parts to someone who only wants to use them until he has had enough is the very essence of pearls before swine. But that is me.

Kare if you value yourself and seek a different relationship, you will have to go find a different person. It doesn't matter what his reasons for not wanting a real commitment. It doesn't even matter that he gave you nice things. You are not compatible. You want a partner. Someone to value you and someone who shares the emotional bond you feel. He isn't it.

Whether you see this as 3 years wasted or 3 years you enjoyed, I think it's time for you to decide how the next 3 years will look. You can stay. But in 3 more years will you only be 3 years older still with someone who has no interest in you emotionally?

And if he does find a love match and leaves you, will you torture yourself and doubt yourself as not good enough? Even though he just didn't want a love match with you? It happens and is very hard to watch.

The way it is now, he is enjoying you. He is getting exactly what he wants.

Only you can decide if you can say the same about what he gives.

I think you already know. And we are here to support that.

Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2021

SH

I see your point. But the type of relationship desired has nothing to do with lgbt. I really don't see how sexual orientation defines the type of person. Also, don't come crying to me when you fall for a trafficker. It's not my fault some men see other women. And not my issue to deal with the complications developed after this confusion! If you don't see it you'll just have to learn it. Intentions hidden behind a smile. Life is a box of chocolates.

The imposer doesn't lie! Just hop on the train and date the nice guy! He's every woman's dream. His money doesn't come from crimes. And your smartness will not become traumatic learning! Do have a nice vacation with all the kind men out there who know how to deceive!

Sometimes early experience determines how you will face the world! My weak understanding excluded...

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2021

Quirkyrebel​(sub female)
7 hours ago • 01/29/2021 11:40 pm
SH

I see your point. But the type of relationship desired has nothing to do with lgbt. I really don't see how sexual orientation defines the type of person.
....................
Quirky it is an old but true joke. Some men who are rejected by women because they aren't enough never see their own failings they just write off the woman as gay- meaning they don't want any man. It's easier to write off the person than own your own failings.

It isn't about gender as you are referring to it.

Just as calling this guy a fake has nothing to do with his right to want what he wants. Often people like this (because there are women who do the same thing to men) find others who put up with it but secretly hope they can turn it into a relationship.

Quirkyrebel​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2021

Hope... How precious! Let's accuse people and send them falling down a cliff without bothering to care! Man or woman... the result of a heartbreaker to one day find the one is not karma! Ten years of heartbreak for the one who hurt others is however! If they knew love like me they'd be more honest... hopefully! lol

Or was it good karma because I wet my pants? I can't tell anymore these days! Take care!

ErosRising​(dom male){Hekate} • Jan 30, 2021

As you and others have pointed out, I think it’s more about what you want and need at this point. Taking him at his word that the relationship is not broken the way it is in his eyes, is it enough for you?

I can see how the vanilla friends could confuse you. The value of a D/s relationship is not to be overlooked by those of us that crave it.

It is no small feat to find all the qualities we need in one partner. It’s kind of impossible not to hurt through the process in my opinion.

~Psyche