Too nice

shortylotus​(dom female) • Mar 4, 2021

I dont think it's a matter of you being to nice. You are who you are. It boils down to does your personality work with the dynamic between you. I personally need a very loving, hard on my back asshole type of Dom. Someone who will put me in my place and keep me there. After that I can be submissive to him. Does it mean if a Dom is softer he is less of a Dom? Of course not. I just know what my needs are and what works for me, but that's not to say it wouldn't work for someone else.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Mar 12, 2021

Which is not an excuse to ignore the fact that what we do affects others and that we need to think about our actions instead of allowing things to happen without an ounce of thought. People that go "I'm just me" overlook that a lot. So I'm pointing it out because of that. If someone can't even explain to me why they do what they do, maybe they don't know themselves well enough. Tell me why you're you and THEN I'll consider it. But if you don't know yourself, you don't know yourself. In which case the argument holds no merit. Sometimes I get people to realise that with the right questions.

Let's say being nice isn't an option. Because someone has too many flaws and lacks social skills for example. People will get suicidal for thinking they have to be perfect. So keep that in mind before lecturing about being nice all the time.

If you're faced with a situation where you have to pick your poison, pick the one that you haven't tried yet. You just might turn it into a cure. Which leads to healing. Often times even immediately. And all because you were being upfront and direct.

Granted, could do without the brief moments of being talked down on at times. But one quick understanding talk right after leads to things better then ever. But do you think I get that done by going "I'm a nice person?" No, I don't. I have to go "This is the situation and it your assumptions are your own undoing". Let the situation speak for itself. Then focus on how to take things from there.

Honestly, it's no different then being in a controlled environment and going "This is the situation. Let's make the best of it". That's all it is. "This is the SITUATION".

Not the PERSON. The SITUATION. What is the SITUATION? How people acted/reacted will of course be a factor. But why is the situation happening at all? Focus on that and you can address it. Quickly with immediate results even.

Then the next situation pops up. Addressing it. Done.

Next thing I know someone that yelled at me is suddenly there and we're close and shit. If I had gone "You're that person" then it wouldn't have happened. Too many flaws. But focusing on one situation and then the next? It just helps break things down.

Unless someone has concerns because of what happened in the past. But that's where I go "It doesn't have to be the present/future". I don't be "nice". I simply speak factually. My words have to be logical. Without room for clouding judgement one way or the other.

My actions though? That's another story. I might pat someone on the cheek in an understanding talk. And someone that yelled at me before might suddenly be close on the very same day we resolved things.

Basically, let your words do the logic and honesty while your actions do the "nice" things. It's all in the actions. Likewise if someone walks off in a huff, you might think they want to be left alone, but what if they need someone to chase them? And this is where it gets technical because no one's a mind reader. Why do situations like this happen? Because some people struggle with confronting their fear. And that IS something that needs to change if people are going to be happier.

If someone is a coward, I don't let them just be a coward. Is what I'm saying here. Instead, I change them and make them braver. Which may require scaring them at first.

Re: Too nice

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

I’d say the answer is yes, with the context being “in the lifestyle”. However, that answer depends entirely on individual people and what they are looking for. In general i think “too nice” isnt a thing bc being maximally nice is a good thing. But also “nice” could mean they want to do what turns their partner on, therefore being “stern” would ultimately be the “nice” thing to do. If you catch my drift : ) i personally relate bc I understand that feeling. I like to be used rough and i dont like a man who is “too nice” in that context^ bc to me, if they are too nice it means they are afraid to dominate me and my body and that defeats the entirety of why im on a kink site or why i want kinky sex, however i also would say being “rough/stern” is the nice thing so it’s dependent on what “nice” means to the individual. Hope that helps in some way!

Taramafor​(sub male) • Apr 1, 2021

In regards to how some people assume the worst under the delusion they're being "mean" instead of "healing" you, agreed.

And it's not about opinions alone either. If you're really that nice you'll do what's best for me. It's that simple. Can understand concerns and barriers. But assumptions and fearing the worst is exactly that.

And some people don't assume at all. Those are the real nice people. When they don't stall to make it about your happiness. People that are "Too nice" tend to value their own assumptions more in my experience.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 3, 2021

Yes, No, and Maybe... Through it all, there's a common theme here.

Perception.

Subjectivity.

It's entirely possible and in fact quite easy to be "too nice" for one sub, "too mean" for another.

At the end of the day, U B U and seek out the one for whom the fucking porridge is "just right"

Oversimplified? Some will think so, and that's their prerogative. I'm just speaking from my P O V.

I'm not one to over-analyze. It makes me want to pick my nose.

$0.02

Taramafor​(sub male) • Apr 4, 2021

Do you mean being "Too soft" or "too hard"? There has to be the right recipe. Discussing context itself is how to find it out. Let's say you're a cake. But someone might need to get the recipe a bit wrong before getting it just right. Which is realistic because no one can read your mind and trial and error. eg: Expect things to not be perfect at first.

With this logic in mind consider this. Could some people perhaps expect a perfect porridge too quickly? If you don't analyse the cooking book then you're fucking up the recipe.


See above. When people have concerns it means analysing. That's just how it goes. The good news is that things tend to be simple after that. As long as concerns are addressed correctly.


A lot of people like to think they know it all. That things should be "simple". What if things only seem simple in your point of view alone? If we know what seems complicated can be simple then surely the reverse logic can also apply. Regardless, it's only simple if you know it. Which brings us to the main sticking point. That some people refuse to even consider anything other then their own opinion/perception alone. Some will when challenged. Some won't.


There is. The "too nice types" tend to deal with secrets and deception more. They also worry more, care too much about what others think of them and tend to be prone to having larger issues as a result.

Never had that problem with someone that's always upfront and honest with me. Provided they don't assume. What's more nice then honesty and keeping each other in mind? But for some people that isn't simple. Unfortunately. Logic dictates that some people don't have the experience with honesty to know enough.

Which brings us to a very interesting dilemma. At what point do you teach an idiot and at what point are they not worth trying to play nice with?

BikerDan​(other male) • Apr 4, 2021

Absolutely a Dom can be too nice. I used to be too nice, but with experience, comes confidence. Now I'm a sadistic breeder.
Over the years I've met many subs/slaves who said they found many tops would not 'hurt' them and were far too friendly. I have also met subs who said they wanted rough, but then could not handle it.

My autism has allowed me to detach any feelings for the sub, and go though with various 'scenes' that would probably have your average sub running for the hills. I have always been brutally honest about my needs and desires, and scared off many.

Now, I'm not nasty either - I won't cause unnecessary damage, and I have always stuck to any pre-agreed limits, though I do get off watching a sub endure pain.

It all comes down to honesty. Be honest about your desires and abilities. Know what you can actually do and what is just pure fantasy, otherwise you could be in a precarious position with a sadistic Dom who genuinely has no limits along with anger issues, and you're lying there hooded, bound and gagged.