New to being a Mistress.

explorer​(switch male) • Dec 31, 2016

Re NatalieAdam "Very good advice Evangaline. 
Ive had my sub beg me to punish him before. some times the best punishments are to make him realise he doesnt always get what he wants!"

That is something that I can totally relate too!!!

Mistress1998 • Dec 31, 2016

Thank you for the advice! How would I get him begging for punishment? It sounds like a good idea

explorer​(switch male) • Jan 1, 2017

You don't really want him telling you what to do so you don't want him to be asking for a punishment or to be punished.

you have to make that decision- it's not his to make, so ideally you don't want to make him beg for it, ultimately you want to deny him it like you would do, orgasms for example, and that would help create the foundation of your D/S dynamic in the early stages

Villanelle​(staff) • Jan 2, 2017

I agree Natalie!

Villanelle​(staff) • Jan 2, 2017

Mistress1998 - if you really want to fuck with him set up impossible tasks that he's sure to fuck up.  Maybe give him a list of things to accomplish but not enough time.  Or give him misleading instructions.  Sometimes I just say, "choose - a or b".  One might be a treat, one a punishment.  Sometimes they are both punishments  Ah the mindfuck.

NatalieAdam • Jan 2, 2017

It's Adam nats sub she does this to me quite a lot, and when I whine like a little bitch about it being unfair I usually get a quick grip to the balls to remind me who is boss and I quickly start behaving again. It frustrates me at the time but it's very addictive because there is always a chance I'm going to get something!

Villanelle​(staff) • Jan 2, 2017

Hope springs eternal Adam  Glad to hear your mistress is keeping you in line!

Lily Keelia • Mar 30, 2017

I'm also new to being a Domme and this thread was really helpful. Thanks.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • May 20, 2018

I still feel enough like a n00b that I'm reviving this thread on a slightly different topic.

Recently I was in contact with someone who basically wants to be set up like a "grudge slave", a term I learned from Laura Antiniou's "Marketplace" series. Usually I hear this sort of things from white submissives who believe in Black Female Superiority(tm) and want really rough race play. I'm not a race player. My father fought in WWII and the idea of any one group of people actually being inferior to another gives me the wiggins.

One person had to nerve to tell me that because I'm a black woman who plays primarily with submissive white men, that I'm automatically a race player. No, all that means that I live in Seattle, Washington.

Most recently I got contacted by a man who wasn't interested in race play as much as gender play: he wanted to be thrashed and abused because he was a man benefitting from The Patriarchy(tm) and wanted that I deemed abusive treatment in order to make up for it ... similar to the "reparations" the race players want me to take out of their hides. The sort of play he was asking for could likely result in ER trips for one or both of us, and given the racial climate in this country, possible arrest for me.

Now, here's the rub: fantasy-wise, some of this stuff sounded pretty hot to me. My inner beast grinned toothily at some of stuff, even though I new from past and very direct experience what some of it felt like on the receiving end. My reaction worried me, and the fact that I worried relieved me. In my earlier kink years I played with people who decided "to hell with negotiations and rules" and the results were not pretty at all.

And yet, there are people who play to edges and even cross boundaries on a regular basis; and they not only get away with it, but are frequently lauded for it. I'm often amazed that they can do it and be okay. Then I think of some of the more extreme players I know, and consider their relationships: how many they've lost, or what the partners who stay tend to disclose either in conversation or on posts online; and my awe dims a little - just enough for me to put my envy in check.

Then I stop and consider: have I gone off on a few people during a scene? Well, sure. The skin on one play partner’s back was so jacked that during the next day’s stint as a stunt bottom, they removed their shirt to:

“DUDE! What the fuck happened to you?”

“I had a scene with Byrdie at Monday Madness.”

“*Byrdie?!?*”

“Heh. Yeah.”

Then there was the person who really liked nipple torture so much that over a few weeks after one session, the outer skin on their nipples turned black and fell off. Their partner described it as “*so cool!*” Then there was the three week, large, yellow and green and blue and purple and black hickey I left on a guy’s neck after during my first consensual kink experience. What. I’m bitey.

So, I get it: the hunger to just tear into someone and lose myself in it. A local submissive once described his ideal scene as a “sensual mugging”. yaaaas. It’s wonderful when that happens and it works out. There are also points where I’ve intentionally played along someone else’s edge or boundary just because I wanted to, only to find that my gamble worked.

After a scene, one play partner went from “I never want to do watersports again” to “Actually, I really like it when you make me do stuff I don’t want to do” within minutes.

Another who’d failed to deliver on his brag of being able to give head “for hours” - more on that later - and whose bad back made holding most positions for any length of time uncomfortable agreed to facesitting despite his suffocation phobia. I’d been lifting off of him periodically to give him air unless I realized that if I ground my clit against his nose and mouth that I’d get close to orgasm. Despite my knowledge of his phobia, I kept grinding until after I’d come.

It was the only time that I’d orgasm with him. When I explained what happened from my perspective, his erecting came roaring back. However, I'm also quite aware that the whole "your mouth says no but your body says yes" is not an excuse to discard negotiations, and that renegotiating a scene in progress is an awful thing to do.

And yet, I suspect, that if a person knows their play partner very well, plays a long game of getting information from them in various ways, and is honest and up front about what sort of player they are and what they want and expect, that perhaps there is a place for loosen the leash on one's beast side a bit ... so long as one doesn't drop the leash entirely.

How have other dominants here navigated these waters? Is keeping a watchful eye on that edge while dancing across it from time to time a valid way to keep a kink relationship dynamic while not tipping over into full on abuse? Do you stay well on the safe side of the edge to avoid temptation of abusing your half of the power dynamic? Do you make it quite clear that you're an edge player and boundary pusher, and that soft limits are where you start playing from early on? Depending on your methods, how have you faired in kink relationships?

DammitJanet​(sub female){NOT INTERE} • May 28, 2018

I’m a Sub but I have a million ideas....
this is where I’d begin,
I would use the filthy words the sub deserves only in person. sub will earn what I deliver by working on consent issues first. In fact I might demand Sub interview to see if sub is worthy of my time. Sub will give feedback so that I know sub’s boundaries better than sub does itself. I can only respect what I know! (Feedback may be minimal, but Sub will obey me eventually in this if you sub wants my attention at all!)