How D/s varies from vanilla relationships

How D/s varies from vanilla relationships

Dragonlove​(sub female) • May 9, 2021

I'm curious, besides the kinks, how does your D/s relationship vary from a vanilla relationship? Do you still treat your dom like you would a bf/husband in other ways?

I understand how a M/s can vary a lot more but I just mean dom/domme and sub dynamics.

I also understand that each dynamic is going to look different but how is it the same and how is it different for you personally.

Thanks in advance!

redpoll​(dom male) • May 9, 2021

I really try to empathize that, at the core of a Dominant/submissive relationship, it isn't fundamentally different than a vanilla relationship.The same cornerstones of a vanilla relationship (trust, honesty, communication, sacrifice, love, etc.) are the same cornerstones of a successful BDSM relationship, and in the end, we shouldn't look to toss those aside, but rather live them and embody them in the profound way which can only be found in a D/s relationship. I firmly believe these fundamentals are expressed at their strongest in a healthy power-exchange, and that's why the lifestyle is so important to me.

I've really started to view D/s as a form of gift-giving. Just as you might show your affection to a partner through a home cooked meal or jewelry or what have you. In this lifestyle, we make it a point to exchange gifts back and forth, as a building and expression of intimacy, through Domination and submission. This is a lifestyle of service, where in every action our goal is to place each other before ourselves. D/s, while it might be a very powerful and constant presence, should not be the end destination - it should be a tool to process and foster and deepen that intimacy and connection. In my profile, I quote Dan Savage in stating the BDSM is sex on a Ph.D level, and I think that can easily be amended to state that D/s is a relationship on a P.h.D level, where that trust, honesty, communication, companionship has to be actively worked on and pursued and protected every day for the power-exchange to work and be positive, but in your teamwork to do that, I think you really have the opportunity to create a truly intimate and close bond at a depth you don't often find in vanilla dynamics.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 5, 2021

Fundamentally we are still people with all the good and bad that people bring.

What is different?

More of the good stuff. More valuing mutual pleasure and openness about what pleasure looks like.
Less vanilla ego that a man should be able to please a woman in all ways. Met my share of vanilla men who were offended by a vibrator. Like it's was competing with them somehow.

More acceptance of variations of what makes a person strong, smart, or a free thinker.
More appreciation of traditional roles, but with a twist.

Most relationships have one leading and one following, we're just more clear about that. Strength and communication are more defined and valued.

And a better chance that the people actually like each other or like the opposite sex. I think in lifestyle relationships you see more self-awareness and more openness to personal growth.

There are many others.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Sep 5, 2021

I have never had a "vanilla" relationship ( really not crazy about that term either) but I have dated a few vanilla men from time to time and the difference I see is vanilla men are often afraid of their dominant side which makes them cater to their women in the hopes of sex.

In my world, the tables are turned. I cater to my man (when I have one) in the hopes of sex. Infact, it is hot when he makes me beg for it.

Not really what you asked for but that's my experience.

YMMV