Humiliation - So Much More Complicated Than Calling Someone Names

Humiliation - So Much More Complicated Than Calling Someone

Villanelle​(staff) • Jun 18, 2018

Earlier today on THE CAGE Twitter feed I gave my opinion about how to go about humiliation in a D/s relationships. My thoughts are below. I'd love to hear your experiences and how you feel about humiliation in general. Is it a part of your D/s dynamic? Something your curious about? Or strictly off limits?


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Before engaging in any type of humiliation play it’s important to have a frank discussion with your partner(s) about limits and no go zones. You might think humiliating your sub in a certain way is harmless, without knowing you are touching upon something very sensitive. I made this mistake myself many years ago while attempting to do a bit of lightweight verbal humiliation that touched on cuckolding (“oh he’s a real man, not like you, loser”). I almost lost a sub I cared for very much simply because we had never discussed whether or not that was okay. It wasn’t. I ended up hurting him tremendously. It took a long time to rebuild trust and get back to where we were. Learn from my mistake.

Even after you’ve talked to your sub about limits tread lightly the first few goes and feel out how your sub is responding. Is he or she relishing being pushed beneath you? Are you both feeling excited? Are you having fun? Keep talking through it and after it. And make sure you as the dominant feel okay with everything too. Sometimes humiliating your submissive can bring feelings of guilt or insecurity that might surprise you, which it seems you may have touched on. Remind yourself it’s not about the name calling, it’s where the humiliation takes you and your submissive. It’s a way to tip the power balance in order to excite you both.

Now to the fun bit - make fun of his status, mock is virility, hit at anything that will work to disassemble his ego and take him further in to his submission towards you. Pig, loser, dickless wonder, well the list is endless. The humiliation is better if it’s tailor made and personal. Pick at the chinks in his armour that only you as his partner will know about.

A last point - I personally never use any sort of feminizing as a way to humiliate. It’s not humiliating for anyone to exhibit traditionally female qualities and as female dominants I think it’s counter to our interests to dominate men in that way. Other dommes have different views, so that’s just mine. That being said, I have been known to put a male sub in frilly panties at one time or another

Have fun! That’s what it’s all about.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jun 18, 2018

It is a part of my D/s dynamic when and where I feel it could work. I agree with all you've said about frank discussion and limits, but would add that in my experience, those triggers such as the cuckolding vibe you mentioned are often buried deep and may not come out even with frank discussion.

The pleasure a submissive gets from humiliation is complex, and is often tied to previous trauma and abuse. Stuff like that comes out slowly, and for many, they aren't comfortable touching those areas unless they're deep in subspace and have built up a great deal of trust. I like all of your suggestions there, but I'd like to add a few specific to what I spoke about:

Be very familiar with your sub's reactions and recovery from deep subspace, and their needs in aftercare. Humiliation kink is like walking through a minefield; you'll probably trigger something at some point, and you need to know that your ability help the sub back from that is solid.

Be hyper aware when using new vocabulary. Be aware that what might be a very tame word for you might be a very triggering word or phrase for a sub. Discuss reactions to specific words and the 'why' and history there. Quite often this will give you more insight than simply knowing, 'ok.. I can't use that word...' You should have a mental checklist of words you've used and the reactions they've caused, and know and watch closely when you're trying a new one for the first time.

Consider carefully the effect of adjectives and modifiers. 'A fucktoy' is miles apart from 'MY fucktoy' in some minds. Adding descriptors or adjectives can be catalytic and have a stronger effect in different areas. Someone may enjoy being called 'slut', and enjoy the sexual aspect, but calling them a 'stupid slut' adds a mental degradation and power angle to it that changes things. Say 'stupid little slut' to someone who is self conscious about size or weight adds yet another element of humiliation that may be too much and too far.

Watch for reactions and introduce gently. "Ok.. this session we're going to do humiliation.." can be a bit sudden. If you do trigger or a sub safewords, you still want to keep the bond and energy going for that session. The last thing you want is a sub that thinks a session ended or the energy dropped because they 'couldn't take it' and 'let their Dom down'... Remember that subs do think like this, even when they safeword. Bit by bit. Try a little during a rougher part of a session, slow down, discuss that moment. If it's green across the board, great.. if not, be prepared to pivot to more supportive and loving domination techniques to make your submissive feel good about trying even if they didn't like the experience. The same goes for those 'aha!' moments when deep triggers are uncovered and a sub has shared deep and personal past trauma. Reassure, keep the bond up and let them know that both of you are stronger and closer for sharing.

If a sub is deeply traumatized by something you've said or done, be sure to emphasize that what you say in the moment is the execution of a technique, and not what you truly believe about them or their character. Be prepared to shoulder the fault and responsibility for making an error there. Telling your submissive what they mean to you, how they make you a better person is always a good idea, but even more crucial in these moments.

DammitJanet​(sub female){NOT INTERE} • Jun 19, 2018

My personal experience of humiliation.....
I had a Dom who was really into humiliation through body writing, he pushed and pushed me to carry this out, it was difficult, and I struggled a lot with his request.
The first time a managed it he was ecstatic, I was happy I’d pleased him, I actually found it quite hot, however subsequent requests for the same body writing didn’t have the same appeal, I had overcome my fear and it really was just words, but to him it was an attempt at feeding his need for humiliation, not mine, at least not anymore. The rush I had was in pleasing him the first time, not the fact that it was humiliation.
Fast forward to my current master.
A picture of me with body writing was something of a lengthy discussion with him. He hated it, likely he could see that it was a pointless exercise, he vowed I would never be treated like that again, I was valuable and would be treated with respect.
So when you think you’re humiliating your sub, are you really, or are they enjoying getting off on pleasing you, aren’t there better ways of treating your sub?
I’ve played with a male sub here, he enjoyed humiliation, but really, I think it was a cry for attention on his behalf, he pretty much controlled the play with requests to be humiliated, he would have carried them out with or without me, it becomes mundane and pointless.
If used at all I think it should be a rare part of your relationship and not a representation of it as a whole.
Name calling, slut, whore, bitch? well It still has a negative effect on me, it turns me off, I know some love it, so everyone is different, it can even be cultural, I know it’s meant to be a term of endearment, but not for me.

Bunnie • Jun 19, 2018

Humiliation was something I had only just begun exploring the last time I fully played (with a Dom friend at the time). I was quite shocked at how much I loved it to be honest. Even though I didn’t think I’d like it, I never decided to put it as a limit because I was curious and wanted to just see.
Although neither of us had a lot of experience with it, we’d already gotten to know each other quite well, and had a great play dynamic. When we realised there was that element there, we treaded very carefully... but it kind of came about quite naturally in our play, which was really hot.
I’m finding that as I get to know myself better by exploring deeper, I don’t seem to feel as emotionally sensitive as I once did, so humiliation doesn’t seem as horrifying to me as it once did. I think a strong foundation of trust is key (as always), and an understanding that you are valued. This helps to recognise that the experience at the time of play, is exploration... not how your partner truly feels/thinks about you.
I think being able to do humiliation scenes requires a lot of inner strength and confidence (both in oneself, and the other person), and a very safe situation in every sense of the word (mentally, physically and emotionally). If those things are in place, it really takes you to places that nothing else seems to reach, and creates a really unique bond.

T slave​(sub female){Owned} • Jun 19, 2018

Humiliation is a hard one for me as i find it unkind and disrespectful.

That being said my Master loves humiliation and i am exposed to His need daily.

So how you might ask can i tolerate a constant barrage of humiliation on a daily basis.

Doing exactly as those have mentioned above, with discussion, experimentation, and communication.

Really it is the elementary basics of any relationship.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Jun 19, 2018

Everytime I make sure to explain to the subs that nothing during sessions its going to be personal or intented to be hurtful. Then ask if humiliation is allowed there is any name calling or acts ( spitting, pisssing) off topic.
I dont think its disrespectfull its a fetish like any other and as such it should be managed carfully like mentioned from other comments above.

Sterenda​(switch female){{owned}} • Jun 20, 2018

For my dom and I humilation really is not her thing yet cnc is so we walk a fine line between the two as a general rule the really harsh words are kept to play time. in public/ day to day the tone of her voice or other such things is enough to embarrass me. Also we have started mixing affection and postivty into the humiliation to please both of us. I'm doing a poor job of explaining >.<

Gf humiliated me

Perks666​(switch male) • Jun 20, 2018

My gf put my collar and leash and tail on me walked me in our apartment hall

Yes it is

Msfireball​(dom female) • Jun 21, 2018

It's about taken them out of their comfort push them truly make them feel like nothing humiliation is the public failure of one’s status claims. Their private failure amounts not to humiliation but to painful self-realization