When the hard limit comes to appearance...

When the hard limit comes to appearance...

Rivermxl • Jun 11, 2021

Many of us don't have our appearance up and ready for everyone to see, for very understandable reasons. Also, many like to wait to establish trust before revealing ourselves to any potencial partners or even aquaintances we meet within the online scene.

What happens when a good connection has been made, when everything is going right and then you realize; when you see the person, that the physical attraction is not there along with everything else? For whatever reason, it just isn't. I'm talking about potencial dynamics or romantic relationships. This is nobody's fault and it shouldn't have to be awkward but it can be hard to deal with for both parts. I handle it as graciously as I can (as far as I can remember), since it should be important to avoid hurting someone as much as possible without compromising our own values as people, those things that make us. Some people just go on ahead and ghost, but that's not an approach I like in any scenario... I wanted to see other's opinions and experience on this issue.

What do you think? Thank you for stopping by.

- River

Sasa​(dom female) • Jun 11, 2021

This is a difficult topic... going from online to real life. In my case, the person is important not the look. I mean, I would see my potential partner. I chat daily, I talk, I have video calls. What is there, I don't know? The smell, the touch. If you see them and the pheromones don't fit, they don't fit. That's not something people do on purpose, this is DNA and something very old.

If I would get hurt, then cause of my hopes and I could handle it easier than the other way around. This is difficult ... I guess this is why so many people are ghosting. Well, I have the responsibility, so I have to say it. There are so many people out there who make others fall in love, don't being open and tell they don't want it, cause they think it is polite. This is hurtful, tearing off a patch too, but it's short and both can move on.

Redheadedgirl​(sub female) • Jun 12, 2021

I personally would rather someone offer their friendship if not interested, it may hurt a little to be turned down, but I'd rather know before anything goes further.
Ghosting is worse and leaves the person wondering... what did I do wrong? I wonder if their just too busy to talk and your left waiting and pondering. I'd rather have the band aid ripped off so to speak.
Just be honest, it doesn't have to be such an overall hurtful conversation if handle with care and grace. Even if you get your feelings hurt for a short time, better than to be lead on or ghosted.

dett • Jun 12, 2021

I think that both partners have to find some level of physical attraction in order for a dynamic that includes physical acts to work properly. I may be a little different on my thoughts here, but I know for me, that if I have developed an intimate bond with someone before I ever see them, looks become less important (within reason, obviously we cannot control it if this person ends up being someone we absolutely find no attraction to).

I also wouldn't neccesarily want to lose the connection, and would respectfully explain that the physical attraction is not there but I still want to be friends, being fully understanding that the other person may prefer a clean break. Either way, being a decent human being is the absolute best approach. Just remember how you would want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot!

makemeplease​(sub female){Prussian} • Jun 12, 2021

I believe that if you are going to be physical with someone, that yes, you absolutely must be attracted to someone, as they must be attracted to you. If one of those is components is improperly balanced, it will manifest somewhere, and usually sooner than later, and typically not in the most courteous of fashions. Then you open the door for the high likelihood that certainly one, if not both of you, are to be hurt, humiliated, disappointed, etc. HOWEVER, the way in which one person informs another of the absence of physical attraction is really what we're talking about here, right? Thinking back on this, I have typically relied on the "let's just be friends" method... But that's not honest, is it? So I ask myself, "If someone decided not to pursue a relationship with me, would you want to know why?" The answer I get is, "Yes." Then I ask myself, "Would you want to know the specific reason if that reason had high potential to hurt your feelings?" And I am pretty sure the answer is "Especially yes." So maybe I should, too, extend the courtesy of being honest about why I want to "just be friends".

eager qt • Jun 12, 2021

I think wording it as “not having chemistry” instead of “I don’t find you attractive” is the way to go. Maybe the semantics seem silly but to me, it’s easier to take while still being honest.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Jun 12, 2021

My approach is to start simple. Until we've met and shared some face time there is no Ds Ms or sex talk other than preferences.

It is hurtful to let things get too intense without meeting and then meet and find it wasn't going to work. I have some scars from many years of cancer treatment, ports put in and removed etc. So I am upfront about that. I have met men who had more physical issues that they just failed to mention even while we were talking about that very thing.

So being attractive to him ends immediately as being dishonest in such a way is a deal-breaker.

Meeting and talking as just people is far more important to me than jumping to all the fun stuff and creating a fantasy that isn't based on two people being just people.

Bunnie • Jun 12, 2021

There will always be people who judge our preferences and the choices we make. If appearance is a limit, so be it… that’s your freedom of choice. I am of the mindset that mindful honesty is how we can best honour ourselves and others.

As someone who hates to hurt others, and for most of my life tried avoiding the possibility at all costs… even at the cost of myself, I have come to learn that sometimes there is no nice way to hurt someone. No matter how careful we are with words or actions, that can not determine where someone is at within themselves in regards to how they will respond. And here’s the lesson I learned… that’s perfectly ok, and well within their rights. They are allowed to be hurt… and even to not forgive us for hurting them. That is a big pill to swallow.

So, where do I stand now? I say, do the best you can, in the best way you know how, when having to be honest about something within ourselves that may hurt another… and then learn to forgive yourself for being the monster we never dream we could potentially be. Compassion lives in these places. So does understanding. I’ve found I’m much more accepting and respectful of the honesty of others because I have had to face these truths in myself.

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Jun 13, 2021

I judge physical attraction completely different online vs in person.

Online=based on picture

In person=based on attitude

This means I might meet guys online that I reject, but would be attracted to if I met them in person. It's part of the risk and I tend to trust my instincts in this.

About rejecting...I have no problem saying to someone that I'm not physically attracted to them. My thoughts on this are if I don't find you attractive, then the next person you will meet might find you attractive. Realise that for every person that is not attracted to you there will be a person that is. However, after reading this topic, maybe my approach is too blunt..Idk. I prefer to be straightforward about it and honest. I think trying to package it in a nice way doesn't work, because people see through that rightaway. I feel they will respect you more if you are just open and blunt about it.

SilentMaster​(dom male) • Jun 13, 2021

This is difficult as it's something one can't control.
I know many people need to build some trust before taking this step. I did, but I don't anymore. I'm still not comfortable showing myself right away, but if looks will be a deal breaker I prefer to know it early as it is something that can't be easily changed. No one likes being rejected, and less if it's because of your looks, but if that's the case I want honesty. I can deal with that and, even if it hurts it's much better a sincere answer than ghosting.

In my case I try to be honest about it, but it gets more problematic when a connection is already there, when we have already talked for a while, we have build trust and there is chemistry. Even if there is a good relationship, it doesn't change the fact that physical attraction must be there too. Then I have some internal conflict as for one side I want to continue with the relationship but on the other side I feel it won't work. When I have been in this situation I tried to extend things, make them work, but things eventually end as there is something missing in the relationship. So now I try to be more honest with myself about it, it doesn't feel good to reject or be rejected, but it needs to be done.

Because of that I also find it difficult to establish certain level of trust if I can't see the other person. I'm somehow afraid of creating a bond, get emotionally involved and feel attached to the other person just to be rejected or having to reject her when the moment comes. I prefer to see each other at the beginning, after some initial conversation to see if we are compatible but before starting any kind of dynamic/relationship.