Why I don't use safewords

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Feb 25, 2021

I guess those who understand the word ‘no’ and truly understand INFORMED consent will just have to about our merry ways. Those of us who don’t, and whose feelings of grandiosity are definitely going to lead them to an at the moment- particularly vile jail/prison situation well... cheers, and please try not to do too much damage along the way.
This thread has already veered slightly off topic and now I find myself concerned for any person who comes into contact with a particular poster here.
Great.
Again AT LEAST thank you for identifying yourself

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Feb 25, 2021

@Arach
Not through any fault of your own but you may want to plaster a trigger warning on this thread now. In all seriousness some of what Ive read here I find is upsetting- esp with my particular history of dealing with people who don’t accept words like ‘no’ and ‘leave me alone’ and I’d hate for anyone else to feel what I’m feeling now that I’ve gone through every comment

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Feb 25, 2021

Taramafor​

Ignoring the well-considered feedback from a person and ignoring their desire to put as much distance between themselves and you is an attitude that seems to be mirrored here as you utterly ignore the stern feedback you are getting from others. These posts are not an invitation for you to intellectualize comments that you should not bully others or that you are too selfish to respect someone's right to tell you "NO".

While I stopped reading your fodder long ago I do skim past it and can see that you cut and paste many responses just to incoherently blather on and on about you and all you do, think, feel, and especially want.

You can be as self-congratulatory as you wish, however, the bottom line is this. It is wrong for anyone to impose upon others simply because they want to.

You are not right,
Your circumstances are not special.
You don't get a pass.
Your ability to write responses doesn't make them worth reading.

And... until you respect others and their wishes you will always be 'that guy' that people are warned off of.
.............
We can discuss, even disagree, about many aspects of this lifestyle and our place in it. It all comes down to one thing. Respect.

We discuss, negotiate and agree to enter into these relationships. We even, I hope, revisit those things as we go deeper in to make sure that the starting ideas are unchanged. And if they have changed we begin again with discuss, negotiate and agree.

Any partnering depends on respect. Even those that seem out there, and even those that espouse consensual non-consent.

The minute people stop respecting each other in whatever form that takes, they are on the other side of the tipping point and the only place to go is down.

Taramafor​ stop forcing yourself, your desperation, and your weird rationale on people who have already exhibited a clear and concise NO to you.

They deserve better.

And every long, over-blown response you've put on this thread has not made your case. (nor will the next one)

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Feb 26, 2021

Recently, during an online/text-based role play, I explored a CNC scene. We spoke in depth about my past so he was are of my triggers, yet, when one of the imaginary players slapped me across the face, I safe worded. We stayed "in character" but he ended the scene uickly and performed aftercare "in character". THEN we reviewed as ourselves.

This gentle removal of ourselves helped me IMMENSELY to mentally return to reality.

It was important for me to process the reasons why I had to safeword in this way because I had gotten so deep into the scene that it was if I really was there. I believe that if it had happened any other way, if we had immediately jumped from role-play to "normal mental space", that the trauma would have been worse.

I'm grateful to him for that.

Safewords matter, be they online or in person. No one is a mind reader and some scenes (such as CNC), the word "no", "don't", stop" are naturally part of the scene so an alternative is required.

And as Bonnie said, they are not just for Subs.

@Bonnie, I'm VERY glad that you had a safeword with your Brat. I am a Brat and I think it's a great idea! Brats require clear boundaries and sometimes, even the most perceptive Brat makes a misjudgements of a person's mood and intends only to play. Having that in place helps them see the shifted boundary that they missed.

purplevelvet​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2021

I love the mentality, Arach. Trust is not given, it's earned. Carefully reading your partner and caring for their well being is a very sensible way of maintaining that trust and building a safe space to grow your relationship.

I'd like to build on what others have said here and add that nothing about BDSM is ever "safe". Yes, we want to practice BDSM in a safe, sane and consensual manner, but BDSM will never be risk free. We can only reduce risk, but it's always there. I've seen very experienced riggers cause permanent damage because they lost their concentration for only a second. I've seen scenes on well organized parties where people have stormed off crying, only to never set foot there again.

Safe word can be a tool to help reduce risk. As a Dom I think of it as a safety valve just as much for my own sake as for my servants'. I understand how some who are way more experienced than I am, or have built their relationships over a much longer period time than me never had use for it, but my greatest fear is to do the unforgivable. To cross over that line and completely ruin what I've spent so much time and energy to build. To prove myself unworthy of the trust I thought I had earned.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Jul 16, 2021

Personally, I would not play with anyone at this point in my life without a safe word. I have had the same play partner for a number of years. We know each other well, and have a deep friendship. However, we both feel that having a safe word protects us both. As stated above, no matter how we identify and years of experience, mistakes happen. People can screw up.


(I was going to respond to the other portion of this thread but when I get pissed off, I tend to go redneck 101 but I can't seem to leave without saying boundaries are to be respected always.)