starting the self training

starting the self training

gremog​(sub male) • Jun 24, 2021

Hello dear reader,

I would like to start with thanking you for reading.
So as I am quite new to this and still quite young, I have a lot of time to develp.

I am not sure what I like and what my limits are. So I took it upon myself on training myself to have a start. (practice makes perfect)
Things I tried so far:
- chasity
- tasting urine
- tasting sperm
- household chores

Now my question. Are there "standard" things that I need to keep in mind?
Any help, any thinking with me is appreciated!

MrFulmen • Jun 24, 2021

Kudos to you for taking the initiative to train yourself.

A lot of the really fundamental things for learning to submit well are less about kinky play and more about self-awareness, self discipline or intimate communication. What'll really make you stand out to a domme is being able to listen well. Being able to be patient when you don't get what you want right away. Being able to express your desires in a way that's clear without being pushy.

You could look for a "Nonviolent Communication" practice group to join, either an in person group near you or an online one. That's a discipline for learning how to communicate your feelings and needs clearly and cleanly.

You could take up a meditation practice and work on improving your awareness of your own thoughts.

Specifically for a man wanting relationships with women (as I take it from your profile), you could read The Will to Change, by bell hooks, or We Should All Be Feminists, by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.

These deeper kinds of self training can help you become better at forging and maintaining the kinds of deeply intimate connections that support doing extra-kinky play and/or building serious power exchange dynamics.

Re: starting the self training

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 25, 2021

MrFulmen has already given you some wonderful starting points that really do have value. Like him congats on working on yourself its a great place to start. I cant add much more. One thing extra that does spring to mind, learn how to be "of service" rather than looking to be "serviced"

This could things like assessing your life and building on skill sets you already have, that might be "of use" to a Dominant (if you seek more that casual play or "life/experience" outside of scene'ing).
How can you improve a Dominants life? These actions of "service" can be very different for each Dominant (as we not all stamped out from the same cookie cutter machine) but might include things like home maintenance, PC or car maintenance, cooking cleaning, massage, organizational skills, yoga or exercise, boot blacking, play equipment building, first aide, web coding.... the list is endless, it comes down to how "of service" you wish to be above and beyond being "in service" during scene.



One standard we all share is safety. Safety issue are the same world wide, it never hurts to learn safety of all the acts you wish to participate in. After all these could save your life.

The next standard would be terminology. We often don't agree on the whole meaning or implication of the word but the general "gist" is often shared. Knowing the terminologies used is good to use as "short hand" to get to the actual discussion or the heart of the words meaning, to you BOTH

Are there standards? I don't think so as we Dominants are all so very different in what we "seek, want, desire or require" What I want in a live in partner is different to what I seek in a casual partner or in my poly partners. I think for myself the most important thing is that the "self label or title" you apply to yourself, matches my personal meaning. I'd also expect that "standard to be upheld. If you identify as say, slave....then you better be a slave! a sub, a sub etc. In short if you cant walk the talk, then don't talk it!

There is nothing wrong with being a bottom, there is problem (imo) if you self label as slave and my definition differs. As a Domme it gets very tiresome dealing with egos wrapped around titles. A bottom, sub or slave ALL have value in their own rights, none is BETTER than the other. Just make sure you are what you state. I bet many a Dominant has over looked a person that self titled as Slave because they are personally looking for a Submissive or a bottom. I know i have no need for a slave and often skip those profiles but when meeting or playing with said "slaves"..they have turned out (IMO) to be bottoms, that have often "assumed" that self label of "slave" would get them more attention or be in more demand or is some how BIGGER and better. A better idea is to own what you do and do it well.

As far as self training play skills.
Learning how you body responds is a good thing to learn and will serve you will and a Dominant.
Do you understand your stages of refractory (in short how you re load after orgasm)
Do you know your stages of arousal (practice edging)

House Talion​(dom male) • Jun 25, 2021

Standards are based on what kind of sub you are and what your potential Dom might be

acquiesced​(sub male) • Jun 25, 2021

This is hard for me to digest. As a newly identified submissive male (about 7 years ago), it takes some adjustment to the supply (small) and demand (large) of dominant women - submissive males. There is a natural tendency to 'do ones self' while waiting in some of the flora and fauna of submissiveness, which I personally avoid and think is unhealthy (for me), because the ultimate pleasure is not what I want, but what she wants. Anything else (for me) is just catering to my own needs, which I try to avoid. What I need is to be of service, appreciated, and useful to her wants and needs, and that cannot be discovered without the other party.

That being said, what MissBonnie said, learn to be 'of service', resonates well. However, the possibilities are endless. So in the mean time, I just work on myself (generally) and wait for the right chemistry and opportunity.

-D

gremog​(sub male) • Jun 25, 2021

Thanks you all for your insights. As I am going thru all of your comments this is way more complicate then I initialy thought!
I hope to develp in something which I am happy with and of course where I can please the woman of my dreams