My husband isn't a dom...

lifedomhere​(dom male) • Jun 26, 2021

Being a Dom is not something you can teach. Sure, you can show someone content and information on the subject and they can emulate that Dom behavior. But if being a Dom is not coming from their soul, it's just learned or practiced behaviors that can easily fade like a diet.

To be a Dom, one's Dom side has to be awakened. And, not everyone is a Dom. So it's possible to attempt to awaken someone to being a Dom only to awaken something else. Which is another subject altogether.

It is possible that a sub can shake or snap their Dom out of that vanilla space. However that's rare. During that process, your relationship becomes more like a laboratory. You can exhaust yourself trying to crack the vanilla code. That's how resentment and frustration seeps into the relationship.

I've taught couples and individuals across the BDSM community. I have seen a lot of efforts go towards trying to get one partner to be more Domish. Very few of those relationships survive.

I don't want to give a vanilla answer. I try to keep things raw. Not everyone is called to be a Dom, even if "we" need them to be. That realization is hard for many people to accept. Most know it, but very few will begin to accept the reality that their partner may not ever be what they want them to be in that area.

And... if a person "learns" to be a Dom, here are two questions that often come into play:

1. Can that person learn enough and consistently practice enough kinks or ways to please you, even though you may not get the whole experience? (assuming you'd be OK with only a small piece of the pie)
2. How long will it take to move them to where you envision them being... assuming you can move them to that point? (factoring in how will your mental and emotional health be affected when the smoke clears)

I speak from experience. In my last vanilla relationship.... I loved her. And she loved me. However, each day, I suppressed my sexual desires, and my primal nature began to fade. I wrote a blog post on that. I was literally losing my identity. I reached a point where I had no more of me to lose. That much of me had been suppressed.

Before that same relationship, I had gone through a divorce and my entire identity shattered. It took years to build it back together. And when I finally put my identity pieces together, some of the cracks remained. I made a promise to never lose myself to anyone again. Yet there I was in another relationship losing the most important parts of me... my Dom/Primal side. That's why I decided to leave that relationship. Vanilla was killing me. And yes, it hurt bad. But I am so much better off today.

That said, I truly hope your situation works out. And if you have any questions and simply need raw truth, I'll give it to you and your partner.

Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable.

Anubis Legba​(sadist trans man) • Jun 26, 2021

Sorry if I sound crass, but isn't this something that should have been worked out before saying "I Do"? I've found that relationship dynamic negotiating seems to be skipped over quite a bit especially in the vanilla world. By "relationship" I mean all factor encompassing. Even kinksters are guilty of not negotiating the outside of the dungeon part of their coexistence with their partners. For some reason everyone tries to just figure this part out as they go instead of just sitting down and each party establishing clear parameters of what they do/don't want their relationship to consist of. Then they cry when it doesn't work. If you're kinky, you should know better. If you call yourself an adult, you should know better. That said, he needs a mentor and he needs to learn HIS style. Not what you'd like to see him be. He can't learn to be a Dom from a sub while she's a sub, switch maybe, but not a sub. So, unless you plan on changing your mindset to Dom, you can't teach him. If he can't find HIS rhythm with a mentor, it's not going to happen. But understand he could be anything from typical Dom to Primal Alpha. Are you sure you want to find out? Once that part of a person is unlocked, it's hard to put it back.

And he never will BE a 'dom'

DaddyXX • Jun 26, 2021

Dominant male personalities are established very early in life..usually by a strong male infuencing figure..father, uncle etc..It cannot be 'taught'..the thought process behind dominant behaviors..spanking..giving orders..etc is a play act with no backbone unless theman is truly dominant..I have been involved activeky in BDSM for ov er 30 yrs..and I have seen women who FINALLY found THE dominant man they were searching for...and leave their family to be with him (personally seen this 3 X).Have heard the phrase ' if he was only more dominant'..dozens of times..and the answer is 'he will never be'..oh yes ..he can tie you in ropes..spank you ..and more ..however it will NEVER satisfy a needy submissive woman..one last word..a true story..met a female..lawyer..years ago..she told me she had been engaged..finally got fiance' to tie her to bed, 4 corners, on her back..nude..he then asked "what should i do now?"..her reply in disgust "untie me'. Think of what type of man has a helpless nude woman in front of him and has to ASK what to do??!! Surprisingly there are LOTS!

Well said!

lifedomhere​(dom male) • Jun 26, 2021

This is very well written!

Re: My husband isn't a dom...

Mister Anderson​(dom male) • Jul 1, 2021

You're relationship is at risk, either from you not having your needs met or by seeking to have them met elsewhere.
Not an easy situation. I've experienced this from the other end recently.

Ibwon't presume to suggest which way you break. I just hope you find as much happiness and intimacy as you can.

I get that

Curious Grammy • Jul 9, 2021

There were some other factors but the #1 reason I left my husband because we were vanilla. I get you. I’m sorry that this is happening. I hope you figure out.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 11, 2021

I tried to read up on all the replies but was blown off my fucking chair --by sheer walls of verbosity that I just want to chip in my own thoughts...

And if such is redundant, forgive me.. I had my eyes blasted out of my skull by novel-writers in here.

If your husband is not a dom, I must ask (RHET)

1:Was he ever a Dom?
2: You married him, did you expect him to be one?
3:Did you both discuss this?
4: Was there any inclintion you could get him to play this BDSM thing of ours?
5: If Yes- Keep at it
6: If No-- What you plan to do next? Divorce him and try your luck at this very mercurial way of life.

Think, Think, Think!!!

Kitzer​(sub female) • Jul 11, 2021

I understand this. But as much as you long for it, don't expect him to be something he's not. It's not fair and it'll make him feel bad about himself.

And as for what to do about it, that's a personal decision. You have to decide for yourself whether you want him. And if you do, then work on your expectations and realize what your sacrifice is.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 12, 2021

Simplest and Best response .. What Kitzer said.

Mine was too windy like others on this thread (but at least I enumerated)

You cannot make a bull be a rooster.

Nuff Said from me!

Gent with Dents • Jul 12, 2021

I have found the responses in this thread very helpful. I'm currently in a situation close to your husband's. I can't advise, since I'm trying to figure it out myself, but the thing that snags me from the responses.
There has to be something there to begin with.
Sometimes it is buried under years of repression.

He sounds willing to learn, but he needs to learn what -he- needs to gain from the control.

This isn't a tiny niche lifestyle, there is a broad spectrum and he needs to find where he is.