Who is in Charge? Surely it’s the Dom…but is it

RogueWolf​(dom male){Gaiawolf} • Aug 1, 2021

the only opinions that are wrong are the ones that attempt to impose racism or hatred upon us. I might add in illegal acts.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Aug 1, 2021

@ RogueWolf

"the only opinions that are wrong are the ones that attempt to impose racism or hatred upon us. I might add in illegal acts."

I am curious and would like to unfold corners to get a fuller picture.

Are you implying that opinions based on racism or hatred are wrong when illegal?

Also could you give an example please?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Aug 1, 2021

RogueWolf​ nailed it.

Here's a tip. If you're consumed with worry over who has the power you aren't the one. You don't have power by stripping someone else's away. You cannot take what is not freely given and call it what we do.

Personal power begets shared power, begets power exchange.

Anyone in the relationship can withdraw their consent at any time. It's the dance, one leads, one follows but both must do their steps equally well. At any time one can stop dancing and walk away. That last part doesn't diminish investment and commitment.

One is inspired to give themself to another, the other is inspired to take that. Both want to be there. Both want that dynamic. Both (i hope) work to make it successful.

Those in authentic complete power exchange have worked at it for a very long time and have had their share of missteps and mistakes. Both have screwed up and apologized, both have grown from messing up. Because they want to grow and they want to keep the dynamic working.

You cannot sashay into total power exchange. Many try, few succeed. In the end, I don't care how fanciful the story is (and I've read some that Spielberg would be jealous of) it is two (or more) people consenting to a type of relationship that will only ever work if they factor in, good days, bad days, work, kids, failures, and victories. If they can't then they know zero about being in a relationship.

RogueWolf​(dom male){Gaiawolf} • Aug 1, 2021

I'm saying that opinions promote racsim are wrong, opinions that promote hatred are wrong. We can add in illegal acts to that, such as the one that states that peadophilia is a "normal" sexual desire. the ones who want to build a world where the handmaidens tale is real and women don't get a say, a vote, a right to choose. However I feel that this taking away from the thread.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 1, 2021

That is 100% not true. There are accurate opinions that are facts, and there are opinions that are born from fear/assumptions. Geneially speaking the later tends to be more common.

Basically, having an opnion doesn't make it "right." Or even "wrong". If for example somoene is racist then calling them wrong doesn't make them any less racist. And it's most certaintly not a good way to get through to people.

I'm going to say it again. The mistake people make is generlizing. blank carpet statements that don't address situation and context. There's no "right or wrong" about it. That just a BS way of saying you don't like it (or do). But that's ALL it is. It doesn't go "This is the context." Or "This is the situation".

What can't be argued against, what can't be faulted is pointing out a situation and letting it speak for itself. From there it's up to whoever is in that situation what to do. A sub can give a dom options just as much a dom can give a sub options.

If a sub gets a dom in a cage...All you can really control is your own reaction/response to the situation. A sub can be better at it then a dom. A dom can be better at it then a sub. Then the next situation happens. Who's good in that one?

I for example am trusted with my observations. Because I observe accurately. When i say an event will happens, it happens. This is my control. What I am good at. What someone else does is their control. It's simple action and reaction. Action is proof. One person does, another person reacts/responds. No one "has" too even if there are agreements. Though of course if someone is hesitating/stalling and the like then it can break trust. I think "Empty promises" covers it all there.

Comments like "Because you agree" don't make it true. I can't make your choices, but if you're pigheaded enough to believe you can control a situation you THINK you can control when I know more and can influence the situation then you're going to look like an idiot when I outsmart and outplay you. This can happen REGARDLESS of any privious agreements people made as well. So bare that in mind. Enough about "I think I can control everything". Start thinking about if you're wrong. Otherwise you won't be in control when you get caught with your pants down.

Some people will be good sports. Admit the situation they're in right away (when it's unexpected. They're faster "adapters"). Others will be closed minded and in denail. You get the idea. Doesn't matter what people say. If a sitaution happens then it happens. That's all there is to it. Wherever you like it or not is another matter. As is your own control in regards to how you react/respond. A dom can't give to you. Though they might be able to teach. The same can be said for a sub that teaches a dom however. All depending on situation and the context of it. "Generalized statement here" and "because I said so" is never a good way to go about it.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Aug 2, 2021

Actually, I think this is the wrong question to ask. Lord knows it has been asked for decades with no resolution.

Perhaps the question should be, who holds the responsibility? Both are responsible for their actions to a point, but one carries that burden more than the other. I think in this regard it is the Dominant.

Shared power

David Sir​(dom male) • Aug 3, 2021

My two cents is that power is shared but it is the responsibility of the Dominant to wield the given power wisely. Noted above in the comments it is pointed out that each holds their individual power ie: a Dominant is a Dominant with or without a sub just as the reverse is true, a sub is submissive with or without a Dominant.

On a relationship dynamic however the sub ultimately holds the power to initiate. In a consensual relationship by definition her submission must be given as to be taken would be coercion. However, upon submitting she has transferred her power to her Dominant to whom the responsibility to wield the power wisely now rests. If he does not, the submissive may withdraw her submission and the power is lost. Hence, power is not absolute.

A macro level comparison for clarity would be the structure of representative government. Technically the people who the power and through voting either give or withdraw their power (consent). The difference between representative government and a D/s relationship is scale. The further away power resides from the initial transfer the more difficult it is to see.

So, in summary, power is shared and a wise Dominant wields power fairly and responsibly and a dominant that doesn't is revealed as a boy with a whip.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 4, 2021

Both. 100%. While a sub might make things look easy (and maybe they do make that talent easy at that point) both have to use their own initiative.

Also keep in mind then when a sub suffers for a dom (as a punisment for example. But can just as easily be because it's for fun) that is a burden to bear as well. And one I'd bear gladly in the right situation with the right company. While a dom give direction, there are times a dom can forget how to play, so to speak. Which in itself can be something a sub has to bear the burden of. The reverse can just as easily be said. Depending on who you ask.

It's which individual is better at things like, say, playing and giving guidence. Even if such guidence might be followed. A good team leader knows how to be a part of a team. And a good team player knows how to lead. A dom has to go with a subs flow just as much as a sub has to go with a doms. Though a dom might give a little more direction. On the flipside subs and intiative. Can't always be hand held.

That also means if someone is good at one side of the fence they can be equally as good at the other. But again, that's going to dependon who you ask and how good they are at going with the flow of others while getting others to go along with their own (which circles back to playing).

A dom also tends to enjoy being in control. So I wouldn't call that a burden. If anything it causes less problems. Which can be a talent struggles to pick up until they get the hang of it (as can doms. But doms pursue it more). Confidence itself stems from honesty, trust, awareness, etc. You know the rest.

DaddyXX • Aug 4, 2021

some women (I am talking D men..and s women ) are very subtly controlling without being obvious..not alll are on the same inteligence or awareness level..the D is not always as aware or perceptive as the female..and she controls by 'inference' or suggestion..and many times the D male ..does't even notice! I have seen this in operation many many times..its kinda fun to observe.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Aug 5, 2021

Taramafor​(sub male)
Quote: who holds the responsibility? Both are responsible for their actions to a point, but one carries that burden more than the other.
...............

Do not quote me again unless you use my name as you have in every other quote you've used in your endless ramblings.