Emotional Investment

Emotional Investment

SageFlame​(sub female) • Aug 22, 2021

I am curious as to your thoughts on this matter.

Which connection types require more emotional investment and why?

1. play partner
2. D/s partner
3. married couple
4. regular partner
5. poly partners
6. long distance partner
7. other ( you define)

Asteria​(neither female) • Aug 22, 2021

I’m wondering whether those can even be compared. Each of them is different, based on different expectations. Different mindset is probably required for each. Each is followed by different set of issues, obstacles and problems.

Vanilla person who’s in a long term marriage would probably tell you that this type of relationship involves the greatest investment. Lots of people here would probably vote for D/s (or poly) because of its assumed depth and, again, expectations.

For me it boils down to a person and particular relationship. You will find those who don’t give a flying fuck about any kind of relationship (so basically don’t give a flying fuck about people in their lives) and those who invest a lot in a regular friendship.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Aug 22, 2021

@Asteria
Quote "I’m wondering whether those can even be compared. Each of them is different, based on different expectations."

This list is of different kinds of relationships aka connections ( there are many more but the list would be too long. ) are all in one category but are compartmentalized.

Labels are given to these types of relationships but each one being unique ( as you mentioned) I want to get behind the label to see the reality.

HOW they are segregated is what I'm trying to find out. Not a stereotype based on books, dogma or assumptions but individual experiences.


I think your mention of mindset is a very good point.

Asteria​(neither female) • Aug 22, 2021

I guess it would be better to segregate people’s approach to relationships than any relationships themselves. And I believe it’s because of those different mindsets and attitudes.

And a question about the price to pay after a relationship’s failure might give you a different angle to look at the level of investment made. But this one also depends on a mindset ‍♀️

Miki • Aug 22, 2021

Ohh Kayy not entering the fray as to whether we're comparing apples to radishes. I'll just answer the question as to which one of those seems to require more of an emotionalm investment.

I'd say the long distance one. There is little to no opportunity for dating and other in person activity so it requires more effort, willingness, and "investment" on the part of both, whether they are mainstream or kink.

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Off Topic Side note: It never ceases to amaze me how some in here throw around that label "vanilla" with an ever so slight condescending undertone, yet many of the same individuals who like to use that label in a passive-aggressive manner at most, --disdain at the least--- piss and moan about when mainstream people don't treat BDSM types with much kindness, either.

Double standard much?

EagerToPleaseYou​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Aug 22, 2021

I agree with Miki. For me, long distance has been so difficult and I've invested more in the dynamic than in any other relationship.

Moonlighter​(dom male) • Aug 22, 2021

Which requires the most emotional investment ... to me this does look like a comparison of apples to oranges but I'll give it my best shot.

Personally I'd say they were all pretty much equal, I mean personally I've never been married and we could argue the back and forth on things like that all week if we needed to but for me it is about how seriously both parties take the relationships.

We've all heard of marriages that break down after months but play partners may stay loyal for years, and vice versa. relationships tend to work WHEN you both invest in them so rather than it being down to the type of relationship I would conclude it is down to the type of people in the relationship.

Or I misread the question and just waffled about something there ... either one

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 28, 2021

Actions make feelings.

Don't focus on the emotions. Rather focus on how you can make things happen.

And if someone assumes that they won't enjoy something they've never done with you (example: They state their preference or lack of it) then CHALLENGE them on that account.

Even slap them across the face if you have too. Made a point. Went back to my playful and pleasent mode. Not long after hints were dropped and fun was had even when they worried beforehand. Hey, it was either a quick slap or another five hour long talk. Sometimes you just got to make a single gesture to make a point. This is of course after things were already established. I enjoyed things. They enjoyed things.

Thing is I knew beforehand. They didn't. And I have to admit, I feel very smug about knowing that they'd enjoy things when all they did beforehand was worry. Once people stop worrying irratinally then I can drop my guard.

Sometimes people do, sometimes people don't. But let's be realistic here. Statistically people will tend to worry about something. And it's in making people feel bad for their assumptions that you can get good things to happen. If for example someone is being weak and pathetic when they want to avoid a situation then I ask them if they want to be that fragile person. No one has yet to say yes to that.

Even in times like that you can get fun things arranged and established. Somewhere along the way you make a game out of it. Then it's about outplaying each other. Or trying too at least. Who's in control? Who's calling the shots in regards to the current situation? Who's observing better?

More to the point, who holds grudges? I don't hold any. Those I engage with tend not too. Any that do learn not too. It's simply better to focus on how to make the best of the situation you're in. And when you learn to do that in the worst then you learn to make yourself feel better in anything after.

You might think you've been at your worst. But until you've learned to truely embrace and accept everything around you, bad and good alike, you've yet to learn that kind of skill and talent. I wager I know how to do that better then most. Which is also how I can get others to learn how too. If you've still got "evasive habits" or avoid any kind of situation, then I warn you now. That's a main factor wards depression and self loathing.

What you THINK is bad may actually be healthy. What you THINK is good may actually be causing harm and danger. Think about the context. Not making blank carpet statements. THAT is what more people could do with considering. Once you get that under your belt then you can start controlling the actions to make the emotions happen.

Getting others to do it with you? That's the trick. In short, challenge people about why they claim what they do. "What don't you know? What aren't you interested in when you don't know how I do things?" etc. It's when I explain "me" that things make more sense. And I do mean explaining myself. Unlike idiots that just wave their hand and go "I'm just me" without an ounce of thought about who they really are or why they do what they do.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Aug 30, 2021

Interesting question, and not one for which I’m sure there’s a clear answer.

Talking for myself, my relationship is 3, plus 2 plus 1……

We already were very close as a married couple, when we added in the D/s dynamic, we found things then deepened. Then during and after play sessions, things are at the most intense.

From that, some would then suggest that 1 - Play partner is the most emotionally intense. However, I would suggest that without the other foundations, our feelings and experiences would be less intense.

From my point of view it’s the layering that makes it the way it is. Without a strong solid foundation, we wouldn’t get the level of enjoyment that we do.

DE