Less Experienced Dom and More Experienced Sub

Less Experienced Dom and More Experienced Sub

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Sep 11, 2021

I thought this might be an interesting topic. My preference is an experienced Dom. However I started to wonder how many Doms started out in this scenario. Can a dynamic like that work? It takes something away for me - that teacher aspect that I like. Then I think we’ll maybe it’s a better way. You could mold each other.
Interested to hear your thoughts!

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Sep 11, 2021

IMO anything thing can work if you BOTH want it to and BOTH are willing to put int he efforts needed
but saying the above, if you already know and understand what you need and want, why even try? If you've been there, done that before, learn from it. Needs, wants and desires....most aspects you require should match (within reason) or at * least*counter balance the other parties.


edited to add "least"

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 11, 2021

Everybody's gotta start somewhere! In the end, as posted above, anything goes if both want to put the work into it It also helps to take into account that "experience or inexperience" in the D or s role--- should actually be secondary to how a given couple gel in other, more pedestrian aspects of a relationship which should (but doesn't have to) start with the ability to be friends outside the dynamic. That's a great trust-builder as well as a dynamic facilitator.

Find your own roads together. There are no "official" right or wrong ways to do this kinky shit.

DrWakko • Sep 11, 2021

Experience takes time. Experience also shows. There is nothing wrong with being new (everyone was at some point in time), just admit it. And admit you want to learn and perfect your craft.

Almost every major city in the US and Canada have venues where you can learn to be a better Dom, a better Top, a better sub/slave and better bottom. You just have to make the effort to jump through the required hoops and go. And these hoops aren't hard. Most events require you to meet the hosts/owner at a munch and get vetted to go.

Being vetted is just the hosts/owner talking to making sure you are a good and decent person. It does not require an FBI background check. At most you will have to show your ID to the hosts/owners. Your ID will be kept with them. It won't be given to everyone attending. It will be held in private.

So go to events. Get better at your craft and have a good kink time.

DW

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 11, 2021

^^This.^^

i think the importance of compatibility is often overlooked, and outright misunderstood, in relationship in general, and more specifically, in the BDSM community. There is this notion that a 'Dom" is supposed to be all knowing, all powerful, etc., etc., and that the 'sub' is less than and can only learn and obey. One of the things that attracted me to this site is the number of D/s couples who go beyond those notions.
As MissBonnie notes, i agree that "BOTH" wanting and "BOTH" willing is key (i.e., 'compatibility'). i would even take it a step further as i think the best bonds are formed between people of compatible needs (beyond desire). To me it is a sign of immaturity when a persons needs makes them needy though. i think when a person is needy, they do not fulfill their part of the "BOTH...willing to put in the efforts needed."
It seems to me that what often happens in D/s, and a pitfall to try and avoid is substituting 'role play' for real (and again, i qualify "to me," this is just how i see it). i literally despise "role play" because to me it is like saying what we feel, need-who we are, is 'play,' just an act. And i get that some use role play as a means to get to the real, that is different. Some stay there and never go beyond, and that to me would be denial of who we are.

i think this particularly happens when "most aspects you require [don't] match."

Bigjik​(dom male) • Sep 11, 2021

I started in experienced in fact I was shown this life stlye through a x girlfriend. she was into more extreme aspects but she taught me how to be assertive and everything else. Now I believe Im quite experienced and needed that patience and guiding with that first gf.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Sep 11, 2021

Thanks for all your thoughtful responses so far! Just what I was hoping for to get some perspective from others. I admit that at first the thought of having to teach a Dom turned me off. But I think if he’s researching and learning on his own and we sort of fine tune our experiences together it could work.
The most important part is how we get along and if our personalities mesh. I think the D/s part could fall into place as long as both of us are genuinely desiring that.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 11, 2021

@ButterfliesAndCuffs​

i think that in some D/s dynamic, simple communication can be construed as trying to 'top from the bottom' or control things. And that can indeed happen, eh? To me it has to do with the energy and intent behind what one is trying to communicate.

The term "teaching" can have varied connotation and approach. Some "teachers' want to assert authority and be acknowledged as such, while others are just imparting information that they have and another may not. Both are forms of communicating.

We cannot discover our areas of "meshing' if we cannot each share who and how we are, indeed, it is through that sharing that we establish and grow the connections and bonds of relationship... or discover that we do not have enough mutual stuff in common to have those connections and bonds... either way, it is dependent on each sharing information. i think the notion that one person can make another into what they want is delusional... both have to want that. I think in a D/s relationship, the reason it works is because one wants to be in control and one WANTs to submit. But they are submitting their substance, it's not like they are devoid of substance.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Sep 12, 2021

These remarks and coments are all generally positive, however, it is a funny line and i have walked it. You know sort of teaching your 'Dom' but not sliding into 'topping from the bottom'. I guess its a preference, and personally i don't enjoy being in that situation. i think its probably better if ( for me) I aide or teach or advise or even share experience with an inexperienced Dom who is a friend and nothing more. I should add that there are quite a few activities that i enjoy very much, but they absolutely require experience for safety to prevail and so im not sure i could be satisfied in that predicament.

MountaintopMaster • Sep 12, 2021

What V said.

The whole reason people come to D/s is usually that they're looking for "the thing they desire most" and in the case of a submissive, they would probably not like to feel that they are the *primary* guide, teacher, or whatever.

Having said that, it's also often about love and passion, plus of course, flexibility and forgiveness.

So, ask yourself, do you *want* to not have to do the work of being patient, and "training" your Dom(me)? Or do you simply want to be with this person, and the domination will come as it comes?