Less Experienced Dom and More Experienced Sub

KinkyChaosPixie​(dom female) • Sep 12, 2021

This is very interesting to think about, actually. Obviously, all Doma have to start somewhere, and everyone has a different learning curve. At the same time, I can totally see how frustrating it would be to have to break from your role to assume a teaching position.

In my experience, the easiest way is to be in a close relationship with the person you are ‘teaching’ or learning from. I think one thing is to not look at it as being taught, but rather learning by doing. A sub can teach a lot about setting boundaries and limits, or which reactions are appropriate, without ever breaking out of their sub role. If you know the person you are with, you can read them more easily and react accordingly.

For me, I was in a relationship with my sub for a while before bdsm was introduced. He had more experience, so I did a lot of reading and learning on my own, but mostly I learnt through our sexual experiences. It never felt like he was correcting me or telling me what to do, it was more body language and gentle nudges towards what he wanted. It was mostly about confidence for me. Once I had that, it was like riding a bike, I was off!

But yeah, as with most rhings, openness and communication make the journey a lot easier.

LionessSiena​(sub female) • Sep 13, 2021

I just recently experienced a very similar situation! I'm a sub and I was hooking up with this guy who clearly had a dom hiding within him, but he thought he was vanilla. I started talking to him about the idea of being a dom and just educating him in kink and BDSM. He had an interest to explore the world of kink, but he couldn't picture himself as a dom. He didn't think his interests aligned with a typical dom because he was more into just giving pleasure rather than receiving it. I introduced him to the idea of a pleasure dom and he excitedly realized he was indeed a dom. From then on it was really all about communication and education. I would tell him what I wanted in a dom or what I would like to see him try and just teaching him along the way. It definitely required a lot of me slipping in and out of sub space during a scene, but as he got more comfortable in his role, it got easier to stay in subspace and still direct him at the same time. It was definitely a very interesting experience, but one I still really enjoyed! I love being able to introduce and educated people in kink/BDSM.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Sep 15, 2021

There is another thread on here from an inexperienced Dom who wants to begin with an experienced sub. The responses weren't that positive and he took offense.

So I am curious if you are with him and just seeing how you are responded to.

I've mentored two young, new dominant men. It was never anything for me but service and teaching. In that, I was never relaxed or free to let go. I kept it appropriate and maintained boundaries. I felt to be ethical was the best way to do it.

Otherwise, I reject inexperienced men. Nothing against them as people. I just know that my responses, needs, wiring, and tastes are evolved now and I don't believe they would be up to speed on what that meant. Or how a Dominant would fulfill his side of that.

I also always had this nagging feeling that even if we were the best couple ever, they might think. "if this is this good what else out there is better?" For some, having been through some train wrecks is the only way you really appreciate when you find someone you are smooth and easy with.

Another on that list posted that when in that situation she felt like an experiment for him to practice on and in the end, he went off to find new experiments with other women. That was what I saw in others trying this as well.

As far as topping from the bottom. I think this concept is gravely misunderstood. Topping is manipulation. It is controlling for the desired outcome that is all about the one topping. It is not instruction or guidance.

I do think, however, that there could come a point when you are basically 'fired' from teaching him. It happens in mentorship often. You get a person to a certain point and they want more than you agree to, or they get tired of you holding them back for safety's sake and they quit the mentoring.

A lot like a rebellious teen rejects his/her parents. So in a relationship, if that should happen it could be a problem for the overall good of the dynamic.

You say that if you two get along well you think the Ds will fall into place. It might, but that depends on what level of Ds you desire. At this point, you have no idea what his tastes or needs are. Only what his interests are. So many start at one place and move into others.

In a nutshell, what two adults do is cool with me. But personally, I think it is much much harder than you think it will be. So be honest with yourself every step of the way.

And if you are the experienced sub that guy spoke of in his thread, I suggest you go read the whole conversation. He reveals a lot about himself in there and some of it wasn't nice. So much so that I suggested he have his new sub read it with him. How people treat others can be very telling.

Good luck to you

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female){LJ} • Sep 15, 2021

“ There is another thread on here from an inexperienced Dom who wants to begin with an experienced sub. The responses weren't that positive and he took offense.

So I am curious if you are with him and just seeing how you are responded to.”

No we don’t know each other. I saw that thread as well.

The inexperienced Dom I was talking to turned out to be a rather undomly type guy pretty quickly. lol

Thank you for the rest of your comment as well. Gives me a lot more to consider. My preference will remain trying to find an experienced Dom, but I won’t rule out the possibility of someone inexperienced if there is something more than just kink drawing me to him.