Coming out 11 year relationship

Coming out 11 year relationship

MissRitz • Jul 10, 2018

Hi Everyone,

So I find myself really interested in BDSM recently. I've always been curious about it, but never really dove into it. But I guess you can say "the doors" are much more open after experiencing my first (I guess you can call) "scene" about two weeks ago. I flogged this random guy i had just met at a club. It was our first time, but there was professional supervision. It was exhilarating and well I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. And what it means to me. Or what it might mean for my current 11 year relationship with my partner. My partner was present and consented to the the "scene", however I still sense some insecurities from him. Our relationship has been rather conventional or "vanilla" for the most part. Despite trying to kink it up. My partner is just not as open to these things as much as I am. Especially, the activities I find myself liking more, such as flogging, paddling, caning, needle play, wax play, rope play. He states he absolutely will not allow any type of "whipping or humiliation". I want to experiment more, but I don't want to rush him into it so fast that he's completely turned off by the idea. Id love some advice in how I can ease him into the idea of being a sub. I enjoy being more domme, but I don't mind being switch if this might help? Would this help? or confuse him? Keep in mind a very new to this as well. I'd just love some advice or if you can share if you've been in a similar situation.

Thanks <3

CrimsonPaw • Jul 10, 2018

I have no advice to give, but I'm sure others will. Just wanted to show support. I hope it works out for you both!

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jul 11, 2018

Short answer, you can't 'ease' someone into the idea of being a sub. If they want to explore that with you, that's one thing, but you can't force or insist on that mindset.

Long answer, you've got a lot going on there. If I can break it down a bit;

"..."the doors" are much more open after experiencing my first (I guess you can call) "scene" about two weeks ago....I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. And what it means to me. Or what it might mean for my current 11 year relationship with my partner. "

You found a shiny new fun thing. It's giving you a lot of feels. That's awesome. You've also got an 11 year relationship. That should be awesome too. Don't let the shiny new thing make you lose focus.

"My partner was present and consented to the the "scene", however I still sense some insecurities from him."

If you want to explore BDSM with him, you'll need to do more than sense insecurities. You need to discuss them open, honestly and to the satisfaction of both parties. You need to know and understand exactly what his insecurities and limits are, and what you can do to support him. Speaking of limits..

"My partner is just not as open to these things as much as I am. Especially, the activities I find myself liking more, such as flogging, paddling, caning, needle play, wax play, rope play. He states he absolutely will not allow any type of "whipping or humiliation". "

Those sound like hard limits for him. Even if he was your submissive, you'd still have to respect them. It's good and fair to talk about the reasons and specifics there, but not with the intention of pushing him past those limits, unless that's what he wants to work towards. You should understand the difference between hard and soft limits, and discuss that topic with him along with his insecurities. He needs to have as much control and input over where things go as you do. You don't gain control of all that choice automatically as a Domme. The power exchange is fully understood and accepted by both sides, not forced on one by the other.

"I enjoy being more domme, but I don't mind being switch if this might help? Would this help? or confuse him? Keep in mind a very new to this as well. "

Labels are only useful for what you identify with in them. They don't commit you to anything you don't want to do, or eliminate other exploration. You should both consider yourself 'exploring and new' first and then Domme/Sub/Switch/Strawberry Poptart second. Take your time, involve him in your learning and research, and share and talk along the way. Only way forward.

MissRitz • Jul 11, 2018

@Fudbar

Thank you for taking the time to provide such a detailed response. Most definitely, 'ease' was poor choice of word. And I have gotten caught up in the labeling and new experience of this all. It is definitely a shiny new thing. But it's a shiny new thing that I'd love to enjoy with my partner. We are definitely discussing things more openly after our experience two weeks ago. But we absolutely still need to discuss limits further. Thank you for reminding me that I don't necessarily have to know "what" I am, but rather just have fun with exploring what we both enjoy. Respectfully and safely.

Thanks again !

Bunnie • Jul 11, 2018

Sounds like you both have a lot to talk about. I completely agree with everything Fud said. Another possibility I’d like to add is the concept that he may not even identify as a sub. I know a few couples where both people identify as Dom/mes or Tops, and still have very successful and happily fulfilling marriages... each with their own subs/bottoms. They have a fantastic amount of respect for each other, and amazing communication, and have created their own flavour of relationship. Our individual relationships are only limited by the imagination, desires, agreements and consent of those involved. Good luck, it’s great that you’ve discovered something that really resonates with you