What would you do…?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 2, 2021

I want to says this with kindness. But it isn't kind of me to pretend with you. So apologies if I am too blunt.
....
So two people meet. They size each other up based on what they think they can give and what they think they will receive. They go forward assuming that each has the skills to love that other person and make them happy.

When we go vanilla we already know that that other person does not have the skills we need to be happy. So going forward, we are basically setting them up to let us down and setting ourselves up to be unfulfilled.

Many of us have tried. And I'm not saying I wouldn't try again. But I go into that scenario with the question of what I can do without. Not how to have it all.

Many vanilla couples have come to this to try and be connected by it. Many have failed because this realm takes more than wanting it. The people here are complex. Thus there is no simple way to resolve what you describe.

I totally get that you don't know if you can leave him but I ask you, is that fair to him? That you settle because he is there and it is so incredibly hard to find a partner? Is that a compliment to what he thinks he is giving?

You love him. OK. But what do you love? Who he is now with no changes or additions into Ds? Or maybe you love who you think he could be? Before you say yes or no, give that some thought. Look closely at it.

No one thanks you for leaving them behind. But their upset is based on what they think you are giving up, not what you know you are going after.
....
As far as friends here... be careful. If this is what you need to be happy and fulfilled, getting too close will suck you in... It will twist you. You will be faced with amazing relationships that you can't have. And you will be subject to those opportunists that want to find an unhappy person otherwise committed. They want to take advantage of that.

If you decide to cheat, you will be dealing with others who are cheating and thus lying so how do either of you trust the other? And we are still looking at what this means to the vanilla person.

I suggest, and I know how painful and hard this sounds because I've been there, that you either give up the lifestyle or the man. Before you become someone who is frustrated and bitter and making bad choices that are beneath you.
....
Remember your thinking up til now got you in this situation. Now you have to think differently and more honestly about which path is the one you can give up.

I'm sorry. It sucks I know. But the honest answer is your best hope to resolve your situation.

Lastly, there will always be people so mired down in the easy fantasy of what we do that they will make silly suggestions. But this is not easy. If anything it is harder than vanilla. You don't just go poly because poly involves many many layers and quite a few poly folk are not doing that good a job with it. All of this requires, no demands, growth, and evolution. So when someone makes a silly suggestion that totally ignores your partner's feelings, run from them and their ideas. They won't be there when it blows up in your face.

I wish you well with it.

H*

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Oct 3, 2021

BEDROOM
if you have a specific fetish that is required, to be fulfilled sexually, this can’t work if he is not game. however if your kinks are just some things you’re into, if he is fun and somewhat kinky, sexually, this could still be fulfilling

RELATIONSHIP
does he communicate? is he open to discussions framing the relationship openly and honestly as all should be regardless of lifestyle? can you not be submissive to him with love respect and devotion, letting him lead, without it needing to be a D/s framework? is he opposed to this?

ask yourself or share if desired, what is you primary specific concern? this will help

SynUnrestricted​(dom female) • Oct 3, 2021

I agree with everyone, communication. Offer solutions.

Maybe have him speak with a Dom and ask questions/concerns.

Have him sit in on a mock online session.
Have him research what being submissive is. (actual research, not porn lol)
Do research with him. Include him in the process.

Communication is key.

My husband is completely not lifestyle. But he understands my desire for it. We talk openly and HONESTLY about any and all concerns and questions he has.

EyesDownChinUp​(sub female) • Oct 3, 2021

I’m truly grateful and appreciative of all the insight… and honestly… I knew reaching out would be more useful than thinking/overthinking on my own… because I agree with you SubtleHush… my best thinking got me here…

I do have a lot of considering and communicating to do.

Bunnie • Oct 3, 2021

@ ihavesparetime45,

Your response is one of the best I have ever seen in regards to advice for this type of situation (and I have seen a lot of threads about this in my time here).

Having said that, @ SubtleHush… Well said. All very much a truth that is often hard to swallow. But we end up here seeking truth, no? Is love in and of itself enough? Only we can answer that for ourselves… but it definitely sets us on the right path if we ask that and answer that very honestly of ourselves.

@ EyesDownChinUp,

I wish the best to both yourself and your husband. Although oftentimes the best advice isn’t the one we want to hear, you’ve been given some very wise and sound suggestions from people clearly speaking from experience and wisdom. You asked… you received. Don’t be one of those people who thinks it can’t happen to you… this site is full of them… it can, and it does.
It all starts with “not looking for anything, just a friend to give me advice.” What do you think a Dom does?

EyesDownChinUp​(sub female) • Oct 3, 2021

He’s not my husband… I know there are plans in the making as we type, that are in the works… and so the proverbial clock is ticking
I wanted to make sure that what i felt was not whimsical machination of what could be… but a deep core value of who I am.
Thank you Bunnie…
If I have learned one thing… it is that we are all never alone.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 3, 2021

If you are not married then you absolutely must have this conversation now, sort this out now, before there is a legal element. Once married this will make things much harder if you decide to walk.

I wish I had not married, it was a disaster for me and nearly destroyed me. Years of being unfulfilled, made to feel I was disgusting, vile, perverted, a freak, the self loathing this created. The lack of intimacy, the increasing emotional abuse I was put through, and the incredibly dark places it took me. I survived, and while I would not be who I am today without this, I would rather not have gone through this.

If you know now this wont he a happy marriage, then don’t put yourself and your future spouse through this, don’t get married to this person if they can’t be what you need.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 3, 2021

You could also get the book, "When someone you love is kinky" and read it together. It might not change his mind but it will likely change his view of kinky people. Until I found this lifestyle I had no idea about myself or that there were people out there.

In some ways, I thought I was a Lil bit crazy. (OK I probably am) but aside from that, the book approaches our needs in a very kind and informative way.

It might not convert him, but if he reads it with you, it might be a gateway to talking.

I would also suggest that you attend a local large event if one is available. Texas has a lot of people in the life. Just being in that environment, visiting the vendors, sitting in classes, and talking to others, might do a lot for you to find out what this realm and its people really have to offer. And stay open to many different people of many ages.

When people try to do this in a bubble and don't interact with the whole world of it, they miss so much that has nothing to do with play or sex. They miss the richness and the freedom of being authentic. I wish that experience for you.

H*