Dom vetting - why or why not?

Sir Don​(dom male) • Nov 14, 2021

I am in full agreement with Morley.

It is easy to fall into the safety of the one you are talking to.
If the person who you are talking to has a problem being vetted, then it is a big RED flag.

If it becomes "outdated " then what are we becoming?

Just my opinion

Re: My very first question is: Who vets the vetter ?

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female)​{LJ} • Nov 14, 2021

For me, I appreciate the advice and experience of Doms that have been in the lifestyle a while. However, I get “after it’s all over” advice usually. It would be nice to hear a Doms opinion before I get into something new. They’re going to know more of how another Dom (or just man) thinks. Honestly, the best thing would be if other Doms got to know each other as friends on this site and called each other out sometimes.

Re: Dom vetting - why or why not?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 14, 2021

To me, "Dom vetting" reads like the kink version of "matchmaker."

Personally, i would see such a person as a complicating factor in an already complex process of finding a match, a 'middle' person. Unless the point is to 'simply' determine if the person is legit? But even that, i believe, has it complications. What's "legit" to one person is not necessarily legit to another. For instance, many in the kink community engage in "role play," it's a common practice. Yet, i do not. For me, "role play" is a denial of reality, or hiding reality behind a mask. i see a persons kinks, mine and theirs, as a part of who they are, and that those are the 'real' places where i most want to connect and bond.
That's just an example, but i think it is already challenging enough to find and establish whether there is compatibility one on one, and i think adding a third person to the mix would make it all that more challenging.
i'd rather see classes on communication and the many elements of kink relationship, that people could take, maybe pass some sort of test and get certified in particular areas? Sort of a diploma one could display independently validating claims the person is making about self?

Re: My very first question is: Who vets the vetter ?

Spellbound Wytch​{Mr. Parker} • Nov 14, 2021

You and I differ in that I've been fending for myself for 25 years without depending on anyone else to intervene on my behalf. I've only had one bad experience and oddly enough it did not even involve anyone I actually met in any real personal way. Suffice it to say I wound up with some seriously disturbed "Gorean Master" actually driving all the way from Norwich, CT to my home back in 1996 to complete a "slave capture (kidnap)" fantasy. And brought two friends with him. You can imagine what the local cops thought when I called them with THAT story and asking for their help in discouraging this shit. ?

As far as doms getting to know each other as friends - I have been in two previous power exchange relationships and neither man played well with any other man identifying as another dominant. That just seems to come with the territory unfortunately even though I wish the same as you do.

Gaiawolf​(sub female)​{RogueWolf} • Nov 14, 2021

I would like to weigh in on the ulterior motives aspect of protectors.
While RogueWolf and I did end up together, I never doubted his intentions when he was looking out for me. He never said no don't talk to anyone, it was more this is what I see so make sure you ask these questions of whoever. I also in a way looked out for him by doing the same to females he was talking to. Pointing out things said in conversations that just didn't sit right with what I knew. Same with him. It was never, no don't go there, it was, look a little harder at this statement or this action.

Now some will say the fact we are now together points to ulterior motives, on whose side? It could just as easily be said I did things to make him want me more, or he made everyone look bad so I would want him?
Everyone is different, and the fact that someone you trust enough to Vet for you or Protect you turns out to be who you were looking for all along does not negate the benefits of having someone trusted in your life to help you navigate the pitfalls and obvious traps that are easy to fall into here.

Re: Dom vetting - why or why not?

Spellbound Wytch​{Mr. Parker} • Nov 14, 2021

I snipped your longer reply to focus entirely on this sentence. I 100% agree with you as it being an added layer of complications. At least for me. Also, this kind of thing just seems to imply that submissives just aren't capable of taking any kind of real responsibility for themselves but must always depend on a middleman ( or middle woman ) to make important decisions for them. As always - my own take on these matters is tempered by me not having a naturally submissive personality though.

RogueWolf​(dom male)​{Gaiawolf} • Nov 14, 2021

I didn't think was ever an ulterior motive. We looked out for each other. I pointed out to you that Doms only need to observe the simple request of asking me to talk to you. I never said no to anyone who would do this because the fact they asked meant they were observing your request and listening to what you wanted and this made them suitable in a way. Not necessarily right or wrong but it was a simple thing. "I am Dom, I don't need permission".. erm yes you do. You need her permission to be a person she wants to get to know, or anything beyond that. So you could talk to anyone you were interested in and they had to ask me to move off cage, even this simple request was too much for some.. that whole attitude of "I am Dom!" no buddy.. you are not.

Asking them to vet isn't a big ask. I've done it, I've asked for it. If they can't follow a request like this or one more simple, it's highly likely they won't respect you, your boundaries or limits. So why would you want them to be your Dom?

LongerJohnny​(dom male)​{B&C} • Nov 14, 2021

Think of it like this:
- if you are new at a thing and do not have enough experience to recognize the ups and downs of the thing, it's always a good idea to talk to someone who does know the thing. BDSM or baking a pie or long division or whatever, it doesn't matter. The goal is to learn from someone who already has knowledge of the thing.
- It doesn't matter on which side of the slash any of the parties happen to be, D or s (or anything else) but it is usually best if an experienced Dom vets for a less experienced Dom, and an experienced sub does so for a less experienced sub, because the flags look different depending on your perspective.
- A "protector" does not have the final word nor do they make the decision for you, precisely because you ARE fully capable of choosing for yourself. The point is that a "protector" knows what signs to look for that you might otherwise miss. Think of it as a pre-screening. "Here are all the people that I have vetted, these are what I believe to be the good and bad signs or the pros and cons, I hope you find the your one and only amongst them."
- You don't line up a bunch of potential "protectors" and have them audition for the role. You don't find one by looking on LinkedIn. IF there is someone that you already know and trust - and ONLY if you already know and trust them - then consider asking them.

LongerJohnny​(dom male)​{B&C} • Nov 14, 2021

oop, duplicate post

Spellbound Wytch​{Mr. Parker} • Nov 14, 2021

I'm still going to ask "WHY"? I keep pointing out that I'm not a submissive but rather a masochist who loves rough impact play, rough sex, humiliation play, mind fucks, interrogation scenes and literally all types of sensation play. Could you (or anyone) explain why some people find it comforting to abdicate personal responsibility to another person? I've been fortunate enough to find many like minded people over a 25 year timespan whose requirements matched my own but that doesn't seem to be the case here on this particular forum and I'm honestly trying to figure out how I differ from most everyone here. Dominants and submissives alike here are expressing their need/desire to have someone else "run interference" for them and I really wish I could grasp what I'm apparently overlooking.