"Perspectives and Fear"

"Perspectives and Fear"

Dromus​(sub femme) • Dec 26, 2021

On Halloween 2020, I discovered I had a sissy fetish when my curiosity with crossdressing met my BDSM interest when looking for a costume. In the eight months that followed, I decided to learn more about it, what parts align with me and what features don't, and I've taken chances with dressing and going out in public. I even designed my dresses. It was fun.

But after this past August, things started going downhill. I was going to attend college on campus for the first time, I still wanted to dress up, but if I couldn't do it on campus, I would at least do it for my domme who was also in Atlanta.

But neither of my parents knew about the last part. So when they found out that I snuck my femme clothes and cosmetics onto campus, they told me that if I wanted to dress on campus, I would have to put myself out there and get to know people and the environment. That way, if I wanted to dress after the first semester, talk to them first so that people won't make assumptions (wrong/right) about me.

So my mom took my femme clothes back home (btw, they only know that I crossdress, not about the fetish).

While I understood logically why they did and that both of them had the best intentions, my behavior following moving in didn't reflect that. I didn't always dress en femme. But it was becoming more frequent throughout the summer, and I wasn't used to not having the option to dress up even when I wasn't in the mood. Sometimes I would feel a yearning for it when I saw a woman student. (nothing erotic)

During the first two months on campus, I would imagine myself en femme doing whatever activity that I was doing at the moment, I spent more time on my sissy and NSFW socials (often masturbating), and I was also questioning whether or not I was trans, which was a debate that ate up my time.

The internal debate became so intense that I developed a stress headache.

I spent the rest of the month trying to figure out my gender still (it wasn't the only thing I did just to clarify) before finally concluding that I wasn't trans. (edited)

Then, I went home for a funeral and took advantage of the opportunity to bring some of my kink-designated outfits back so I could dress for my domme for a session we had planned. Which, no matter how I rationalized it at the time, violated the terms of the agreement I made with my parents. (edited)

Then I violated those terms still when I went out in public dressed, so now I'm pretty sure everyone in my dorm knows that I crossdress, even if they aren't making such a big deal about it.

But when I went home for Thanksgiving, my mom found out that I disobeyed her, and after a series of events that proceeded that moment, she went off on me. She criticized my actions in general, but what hurt the most were her insinuations about my reason for crossdressing. She believed that because I have low self-esteem and don't show love to myself by doing the things I'm supposed to do, my crossdressing stemmed from wanting to become a different person to escape my life and that I need to rebuild my confidence as a man.

I denied this because the only difference between my femme self and regular self was our presentation and mannerisms.

But the more I contemplated on those comments after the fact, the more I feared they might be true.

I started making unwilling projections of my sissy self on negative influences like parasites or the symbiote from the Spiderman franchise.

I felt depressed for a while after making those projections.

In that instance of depression, I realized that my aspirations for a femme lifestyle and my sexual fantasies had become all-consuming in my life; and my focus on it exacerbated negative qualities that I already have due to my low self-esteem.

I thought that by beginning to take steps to increase my self-esteem and taking steps to be more active in my life, I could avoid a porn addiction and have my femme self become a natural part of myself as a whole, rather than the whole itself; because I was under the assumption that my femme self and sexual fetish were separate.

But then I realized that my desire to dress en femme, while not erotic, was just the non-sexual element of my fetish.

I reached out to multiple people and questioned whether or not it was ethical to dress en femme, knowing that it was a fetish. They had reached a consensus that it would be okay as long as I didn’t involve other people (whatever that means).

After learning this, I still wanted to become more balanced with my sissy fetish and the other aspects of my life. My mentor suggested that my behavior was because I've been repressing myself. He suggested that I find a community or space where I can be myself and start dating to help form a meaningful connection with someone and distance myself from porn.

As much as I want to believe his words, the feeling of fear and anxiety from the prospect of my sissy fetish resulting from my low self-esteem has kept coming back up, despite my denial coping mechanisms.
And in those moments, I've realized that I've moved from simply wanting and desiring a femme lifestyle (before August) to desperately seeking it out; out of an irrational fear that I might somehow lose that part of myself altogether. But if a person's fetishes are a natural part of oneself, then there shouldn't be any concern for losing it.
I realize that I have a truer fear behind the possibility of my mom being right about my fetish stemming from my low self-esteem. I fear that my sissy fetish or the pursuit of the lifestyle might be bad for me and that I'm deluding myself into thinking that it is a part of me and that I'll be happy pursuing the lifestyle. The feelings of anxiety have been ebbing for a couple of days, but I can't help but wonder if that means that I'm releasing myself from doubt or immersing myself in a delusion from the truth that I might be perceiving as doubt.

If anyone actually sees or reads through this, what are your thoughts?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Dec 26, 2021

Wow, that's a lot. i'm not presuming to give advice or that i begin to grasp the half of this, let alone the whole of it. Since you ask for thoughts, i'll share a few of mine, for what they may or may not be worth.

You commented:"... my mom found out that I disobeyed her...." This stuck out to me. Personally, i think once you become an adult and go off to college, the days of "obeying" parents are over. i believe a parent can give advice and input, if asked, but i think one of the biggest jobs of parenting is letting go. Hopefully equipping our kids to live, then letting them live with all the incumbent responsibilities.

Something else you stated: "She believed that because I have low self-esteem and don't show love to myself by doing the things I'm supposed to do, my crossdressing stemmed from wanting to become a different person to escape my life and that I need to rebuild my confidence as a man.

I denied this because the only difference between my femme self and regular self was our presentation and mannerisms.

But the more I contemplated on those comments after the fact, the more I feared they might be true."

This bothered ("hurt") you. BDSM folk are not the only ones who engage in 'mind fuck,' ours is just less culturally accepted. i may be reading this wrongly, but it seems to me your mom is looking at feminine as less than, that if you "esteemed" yourself you'd be "a man..." and act like your "...supposed to do." Given the dominant social norms, it seems to me it would take both courage and confidence to be open and vulnerable about your thoughts and feelings, presenting as you want to.

i think trying out your wings is normal and takes courage. i don't presume to know where your flight may take you, but they're your wings and it's your life to live i believe.

Miki • Dec 26, 2021

I actually read through almost all of that, enough to get the gist of what you are trying to say but not word-for-word as I have a real thing about walls-of-text.

However don't read that wrong. It's a me thing not you or others who write long posts, and your s clearly needed a long explanation to get the best answers.

What stood out is you did not mention following the advice from your parents. Putting yourself "out there" and getting to know the "environment" from those who know best-- like-minded people.

Until you do, until you share and learn from those more experienced in what you feel you want to do, it'll remain a private little battle between doubt of your self esteem and your wish to go about "en femme".

You also don't mention what your domme thinks or says about this. Not that she should tell you what to do with regard for how you want to "be you", but an opinion other than your parents can help (or hurt)-- so tread carefully.

In the end the only ones who can steer you in the right direction are those who have experienced the same thing at some level before going forth and putting themselves out there. They can help you decide whether it's a symptom of low self esteem or a genuine trans nature.

But even then, take it as advisory, as in the end only you can decide what really works for you.

Only other thing I can add is "Take your time!"

Dromus​(sub femme) • Dec 26, 2021

I haven't really talked about this with my domme. What do you mean by not mentioning what my parents' advice was?

Miki • Dec 27, 2021

I reread what I wrote to make sure I didn't screw up. You didn't mention following their advice and "putting yourself out there and learning the environment". As in, have you connected with like-minded people with regard to "cross-dressing"?

As I said I read most of it but couldn't go word-for-word, that being a lengthy post.

As for the domme, just bounce the situation off of her, see what she says by way of advice, but in the end, the choice has to be yours.


Speaking of "outing" yourself in a campus setting, while you're a lot safer than years-gone-by, there still are instances of anti-trans (even if you're just into dressing up at this stage, they judge books by covers) -- go about getting out there carefully.

You said what you have done so far on campus has not really fazed anyone, but there remain some closed-minded imbeciles out there who would do harm.

Dromus​(sub femme) • Dec 27, 2021

Okay. What was meant by "putting myself put there and learning the environment" was getting to know the people on campus and learning more about what went on there.
Also, in the post I said that I reached a conclusion that I wasn't trans; not that that negates what you said about being careful, but just thought I'd put that out there.

Miki • Dec 27, 2021

Some will see you as "trans" even if you "only" cross dress. So "caution" is not "negated" But whatever you want to do go ahead and do it, but remember half measures avail little.

Aside from that, best of luck to you as you navigate this.

Dromus​(sub femme) • Dec 27, 2021

Thank you.