Consensual Psychological "Abuse"

Consensual Psychological "Abuse"

Avanova​(sub female){owned} • Feb 17, 2022

Hi everybody,

I have several aspects of this topic that I would like addressed:

I have recently been experimenting with being insulted as a method of being dominated and as a method of arousal. I am in a long-distance relationship so this is a viable form of domination for my Dom and me. He has mostly tried insulting me while we are masturbating together. Most of the things that he says do not actually hurt my feelings, though they might be things that would hurt someone else's feelings. If he does say something that actually hurts my feelings I tell him afterward and he knows not to say that anymore. I am wondering a few things about this concept. Is being insulted as a means of arousal and domination bad for my self-esteem or possibly bad for my Dom's self-esteem? Does enjoying being insulted mean that my Dom or I have low self-esteem? Does anyone know anything about the science behind enjoying being insulted?

Also, what about giving someone permission to psychologically "abuse"/torture me in everyday life as a means of domination, not just in sexual situations? Has anyone else done this? If so, were there any parameters and what were they? Does anyone know if giving someone permission to psychologically torture them is likely to be unhealthy psychologically?

Also, what about the idea of a Dom "brainwashing" his submissive to make them more dependent on Them? Has anyone looked at consensual "abuse" from this perspective? Is it weird that I want my Dom to "brainwash" me?

Thanks very much. I look forward to hearing your responses.

PrimalSelf​(dom male) • Feb 17, 2022

I don’t think you are weird for wanting to engage in such a state of play, no. I think we find ways to decompress in our lives and sometimes that manifests in wanting to explore humiliation and degradation.

I don’t think it’s bad for your self-esteem but I think you have to be comfortable within yourself and open with your dominant at all times. Open and thorough - on what’s a hard limit there and on what you’d like to explore within or slightly outside the boundaries.

It sounds like you two are being open. That’s good. You’re talking about your feelings and letting each other know - that’s a good start. After care is essential in these scenarios as it can be quite heavy and the drop afterwards can be brutal.

I have engaged in some degradation in my life and there has always been a thorough negotiation period. Some insults or slang were a bit much whereas others were fine. The key lies in just talking it out, negotiating deeply but experimenting gently too. And I think the two of you are doing that.

DrJokerTearMiser​(sadist male) • Feb 17, 2022

Communication is not a word that can be said enough. I'm sure you have seen those memes where its "what my mom thinks I do, what society thinks I do, what I actually do," well in that last it should it should just be people talking to each other.

As for long term side effects, thet can and will exist. The real question, in my opinion is what should we do with them? Both sub drop and top drop are very real and rather dangerous psychologically. What we do to counteract them is aftercare.

Aftercare after a scene is fairly easy to do. It becomes trickier when your talking about instilling this into your day to day life, but it's not impossible. I would suggest installing a daily love session of some kind. Something that can mean "I know we said a lot of mean things today but I love you, respect you, and care about you."

It seems like you might be in a long distance situation so my suggestion would be "Good night things." A set routine for bedtime that is preset and stable.

Ive spent the last 3 years of my life in an LDR so ill give you the one we have used that whole time.

"I love you very very much and I hope you have good sleeps and good dreams and I'll talk to you tomorrow Goodnight Princess"

Hope this helps

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Feb 17, 2022

I have both a degradation kink and a praise kink. I try not to examine why I enjoy the things I do too much. There are insults that I don’t enjoy, such as being called stupid or ugly, and I think it’s important to communicate those before engaging in anything.

I would just be careful that you are self confident and reassured enough to handle being degraded on a daily frequent basis. I don’t like to label it as “abuse. It’s not abuse if it’s consensual.

As others have mentioned, after care is very important. That’s where the praise and reassurance comes in for me. It’s also important to realize your Dom may need that time to give you compliments and praise too. It could fuck with his mind to be nothing but mean to someone he actually cares very much for.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 17, 2022

i think this is a fascinating topic, thanks for bringing up.

i've thought about this for a long time introspectively as i have degradation/humilation kinks. i describe my kink as "affectionate degradation/humiliation." i shut down if i perceive my Guy is being mean, forceful, bullying. He can say the exact same words with a different tone or attitude, what i perceive as affection, praise, desire, even need-on His part. For me, it's about attraction and connecting of mutual desire/need.

A simple example is when i do something He really likes, say like taking His cock all the way into my throat while sucking Him. i often gag, my nose starts to run, my eyes tear from the effort. i know i look a mess and there is a degrading/humilating aspect to that. If He praises me (it has to be real delight on His part), telling me what a "good boy" i am and how proud of me He is, for me it is simultaneously degrading/humilating/embarrassing and arousing. That is just one of several examples i could give.

Here's the point (for me): those things that we perceive as insults, degrading, humilating. Where do they come from? i think many elements of degradation/humilation can be identified as culturally conditioned. Going back to my example above. i can trace my desire/need to please a Guy back as young as age 7. When i started presenting sexually, it was always with the desire to be penetrated by a Guy. As part of that desire/need i realized i desire/need to suck cock. Yet, from an early age, even before my own sexuality began to manifest, culture had programmed in me that sucking cock is dirty, disgusting, perverted, sick, etc..

What i think is, even though i now know better cognitively, i still have emotional programing that feels different, as well as a lot of people who still think that what/who/how i am is all those negative things. What is happening when a Top says something like: "you are my good little cocksucker, aren't you? you really love taking my big cock, don't you, etc.? is it feels degrading, humilating, embarrassing, i think, because of cultural norms and conditioning. But in reality, He is affirming something real about me. Not only is He affirming me, He is showing obvious desire/need for me and approval of me. i.e., we are connecting and bonding our needs/desires.

Gomezadams​(masochist male) • Feb 17, 2022

This is a very interesting topic. I will start by focusing on the word abuse. Absolutely everything that we do within bdsm could be termed abuse by someone else. You have to ask yourself, does it fit into our dynamic and are we comfortable with what is being done. For example, I am an extreme masochist. When I interact with a sadist the marks that she leaves on me would definitely be considered physical abuse by anyone who didn't understand my relationship with her.

The same could be said about how you are treated and what is said to you. Personally I crave the degradation, I need to know that I am less than human to her. I want her to reinforce to me that I must do as I am told, that I am never to question what she says or how she says it. In public words like please and thank you are never to be used. I belong to her and I will behave accordingly.

I also understand your desire to explore consensual "brainwashing " as you put it. I will not enter into any long-term relationship again with a Dom unless she is comfortable using extreme degradation to condition me and take complete control over my entire being, especially my mind. If I commit to being a slave I need to be treated as such. I would caution you to be very careful about the stability of your relationship, because if you enter into this kind of relationship and it ends it can be very traumatic.

Re: Consensual Psychological "Abuse"

kuriouskit • Feb 18, 2022

Hey,

Thanks for starting this conversation if i may add my own reflection to what you shared:

Does enjoying being insulted mean that my Dom or I have low self-esteem? I cant speak for either of you, but my question would be, do you feel less capable after being insulted? It sounds like you enjoy part of it and are having communication around where potential triggers may be. You shared that for you it didnt feel like an insult so would you just consider it dirty talk instead?

Does anyone know anything about the science behind enjoying being insulted? I dont know explicitly if there is research on this but im sure somewhere there is. My initial thought is that its a twist on what traditionally is expected and there is pleasure found in it being unexpected, (kinda the draw to bdsm as normal is relative) are there certain words that feel better than others? Maybe explore which words elicit the response you are both looking for?

Also around your last paragraph, it reminded my of how we as humans experience trauma, the same event can be experienced by different people and they all have different perspectives of what happened.

I havent experienced what you are asking around so i hope maybe these thoughts can be helpful.

Toy Sub​(sub female){*Slave*} • Feb 19, 2022

Hi, I have experienced a lot in the area of emotional Masochism, and having that as part of my conditioning as a sub has helped me to grow exponentially. Being completely torn down and then rebuilt in safe and comforting hands is a vulnerable and amazing experience. It is not for everybody, but when the bond with your Dom is that secure, he can rip you to shreds and push your limits, and mind-fuck you until you've faced those demons head on, and until you've learned to take them with strength of a true sub. There is nothing like it.
There are some good threads about it in the fetish groups on FetLife. It's good to see likeminded people and their perspectives. Again, it's not for everybody and can destroy a relationship that without a secure attachment. Make sure you trust and truly need& crave the submission your Dom allows you before delving into this. Good luck sister

A Cloud​(sub female){Owned} • Feb 19, 2022

Great topic and some great responses .

I will add a thought that extends on what tallslenderguy said about being affirmed in an affectionate degredation scene. I think SSC degredation can have a CBT effect where associations established in the brain can be altered to counter social conditioning that is harmful. The previous points about aftercare are essential for degredation to alter self and societal perceptions. Reconditioning needs the reward system for the brain to want to form new pathways or make the favoured ones stronger.

The way it works for me is it helps me to genuinely appreciate all that I am. It helps me love what social conditioning has deemed to be lesser or shameful. It takes away shame and changes my perspective on a lot of things about society and myself.

southbotanico​(dom male) • Mar 15, 2022

That's an interesting topic. Very good to share experiences, help to grow us all. What topics on fetlife were you talking about?