Advice

DevilOfNoMercy • Aug 21, 2022

I won't clutter up someone else's post with nonsense arguments since you seem to want to counter mine me. If you have issues with my advice you can email them and maybe I will answer

Solace​(dom male) • Aug 21, 2022

Perhaps as you've seen, BDSM is for many an act of exploration. My shallow suggestion might be to ask more targeted questions.

I would suggest first the study of how to play safe. Others and myself see it as the Dominants responsibility to keep the sub safe at all times. However, that does not absolve the sub from the responsibility of knowing she is being put in harms way. Example: a safe word is diminished in value when a sub is gagged , and no other signal is established.

It is possible to find events and groups through this platform, but I've found that other more popular platforms are better for learning about upcoming local events. Fetlife is hit or miss for many, but it has enough clout to be effective for events.

Dawna Dee​(sub female) • Aug 22, 2022

Thank you everyone! It's nice to have a place to ask questions and see different views from others. Thanks again for the resources mentioned above!! I hope to learn a lot!

critter0207​(sadist female) • Aug 22, 2022

My advice is DON'T RUSH IN!
All of this is new and exciting and you want to try everything and you should....in time...
You don't have to do it all RIGHT NOW!
Look some things up, choose one or two that are something you really want to try, study those things. Learn all you can about them, then try those things first.

But above all of that, go out into your local community and meet people. Go to munches. They are typically held at a public venue where you are safe to meet and mingle with like minded people. Find a couple of munches in your area and go regularly. Get to know the people there, let them get to know you. In time you will meet someone who is willing to ease you into the things you want to try.
Vet the people you may be interested in or that is showing interest in you. Ask others about them. If they know about their play style or past history. If all reports come back good then have a sit down with them to open an honest and clear communication path.
Honesty and clarity in communication is a must in BDSM. This is one of the best ways to stay safe.
If something feels even slightly off don't hesitate to walk away.

DevilOfNoMercy • Aug 22, 2022

The link I posted is generalization but should give you a good idea about things. You take what fits you and leave the rest and you can work it your own way. Nothing is set in stone. And there is no wrong or right way. It is YOUR way. But use caution.

And I agree take your time. I was mentored for well over a year (living with my mentor) before I collared my first sub. Don't get desperate and use your intelligence and common sense. They never fail. lol

Chalybe​(dom male) • Aug 22, 2022

One thing Google will do for you: Google "BDSM Red Flags" and learn what to avoid.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Aug 23, 2022

First thing to watch out for are the new fresh meat hunters who will offer to take you under their wing, teach you the ropes, train you. Your inbox will burn with these well meaning (not) people offering to mentor, protect, train. Its a good safety thing to view the kink world like the ocean, full of predatory sharks. I know this is a very negative position to take, but the reality is that there are much fewer decent people about, than one would like to be the case, particularly on the dom/master/top/primal side of things, both in the physical world and in particular online.

There are way too many abusers, horny net guys, fantasists, wannabes, super thirsty idiots desperately looking for their next piece of meat. These people have no interest in your well being, only getting their rocks off, and safety, skill and knowledge are mostly absent, or they know enough key words to appear knowledgeable, and safe.

One of the biggest issues is thirst, desperation, frenzy to get started and jump in, and way too many do so, and drown, overwhelmed by the mental, emotional and physical challenges of kink, or they get caught by a baddie and are eaten up, and spat out broken, and messed up. This happens all the time, and its a sad fact that way too many peoples first experiences on sites like this one, in fact this one, leaves them fleeing from what should have been a wonderful, amazing, magical experience. It can be, but only if you take your time to learn the basics first, that head knowledge will help you sort out the sound people from the asshats and abusers, of which there are more, than sound people. I know many will shout loudly I am being unfair, and too harsh, wrong. I am not, I see these idiots writing on these forums, blogs, sweeping in to try and impress the op, or anyone reading all the time, the red flags littering their replies very obvious, but only if you have knowledge of what is and isn’t sound, ethical, skill, consent based bdsm. If you lack this, and most newbies do, you wont see the issues, and perhaps not know what to believe, many of these scum bags talk a very good talk, but they go after newbies, try to isolate them, because they can then peddle their BS and get away with hood winking, selling their messed up bdsm model as being the one true way, without it being challenged.

My advice avoid the I will mentor or protect you brigade, and run from the I will train you brigade,

You don’t need any of these people, as you can initially learn the basics all on your own, gaining important head knowledge . I am surprised your google search was unsatisfactory, but I don’t know your search parameters, what you were looking for.

I will suggest the following sound quality resources to start from.

Loving BDSM (website and you tube channel) Kayla and John Brown Stone have a lovely way about them, very down to earth and lots of ethical, consent skill based advice. Presented from the baby girl, Daddy dom point of view, but not exclusively so.

Submissives Guide (you tube channel and website) as with Loving BDSM, Luna has a lovely, down to earth way about her, and the information is indispensable, and offers a good foundation to work from. Presented from the sub/slave/bottom point of view.

Morgan Thorne (you tube channel and website) excellent resource for skill/activity teaching and explanation. Presented from the domme point of view.

Books

The New Bottoming Book (updated useful resource from the sub/bottoms point of view)
Screw the Roses sent me the thorns (old but still a good resource)
The Loving Dominant (get the most recent version. Great insight into ethical, consent, loving, care focused bdsm)

Within the above there is loads and loads of sound information to get you started, and help you do so safely. I know the urge to try is strong but please don’t. Within these books and websites, you tube channels I believe there are the resources to help you figure out what you might like to eventually try, activities, dynamic types, but please, please take little steps, take it very slowly, and build the knowledge first to help you spot the sharks, and avoid being one of the many hurt people who miss out on the wonderful fun kink can be, simply because they jumped in too soon, were naive and ignorant and were swept up by a scum bag.

I wish you the best, stay safe.

Bunnie • Aug 23, 2022

Firstly, overall, it depends on what you’re seeking. If you want to be a part of the BDSM community, books are a great way to learn etiquette, protocol, tools and skills. Personally, I think they’re valuable regardless. However, if you’re only really seeking a relationship and don’t have much of an inclination to be a part of your local community, then those resources would be more about simply learning what works for you both within your relationship. I think the distinction will help point you in the right direction of the necessary resources to suit you more specifically. To directly respond to your questions:

‘Dynamics in general’
The most common are D/s (and the many variances within that, for example Caregiver (Daddy/Mummy)/Little, Handler/pet… I’m sure many others that evade me right now), Master/slave (and the variances within that, for example Gorean, Leather, MAsT), Owner/property can be seen by some as its own category, or as a style of M/s… depends who you speak to. No doubt you could find a much more in-depth description even somewhere here on this site, however, that’s the best that comes to mind for me at this moment. My advice on how to find which one feels right? Lots of introspection, and just follow the breadcrumbs. Be open to the possibility of learning.


‘good books to read up on’
I don’t think I really need to add to that. There are plenty of reading materials suggested. That should keep you busy for a while

‘places to search, conventions to go to’
I am a fan of using FetLife to find local events, skillshares and groups. Because of Covid there are also now some really great groups, seminars and meetings that are accessible online from all around the world.

‘What's some good advice that has been given and stuck with you through your experience?’
Two things I tell everyone:

Follow your heart, but take your head with you.

Take everything that everyone tells you ‘with a grain of salt.’ Listen, be respectful and grateful, and then research it for yourself.

Sportsgirl55​(sub female) • Aug 25, 2022

Talk to other submissives.

Read the blogs and the forums on here,l and the magazine articles, there is a lot of good information there. If you read something that doesn't sound appealing, remember every submissive is different.

Also, remember always that your submission is a gift you give, not something someone can take. Do not offer it lightly and make sure who you give it to us deserving.

FearlessBrat​(sub female){H.PL.} • Aug 26, 2022

Welcome to the Lifestyle

The best book for the beginner is 62 questions for your Dominant by Makai...