looking for tips and possible online mentor or other couple to help me continue to love but properly

looking for tips and possible online mentor or other couple

ADAMANT MN​(dom male){Can’t do i} • Aug 24, 2018

25 year old new dom trying to get tips on me starting to explore bdsm with my partner
ive always enjoyed the act of dominating my partners in bed choking slight smothering biting and finding ways to make my partners gasp and squirm knowing I have control but they also know I'm caring and they are well cared for its the type of person I am firm and strong but caring and gentlemanly I also enjoy binding my partner and blindfolds with light toy play and other foreplay is all negotiable I enjoy roleplay and some costumes but sexy holloween gear is mostly what I like and some steampunk
actually learning how to properly communicate and plan an actual relationship and sessions with my partner being as we are both new we are exploring each others limits
me and my female partner are trying out bdsm I want to do this being as I have wanted to try this also but have been hesitant to try now that me and my partner have a comfortable grasp of each other and the trust we feel was needed I am here trying to ask for tips on being a new dom male and what are good tips for beginner sessions rules times ect ect need punishment tips alternates for pain though sub has low threshold for pain.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Aug 25, 2018

Firstly, I think its awesome that your looking for advice and support going down the rabbit hole as it where can be confusing. A lot of your questions such as pain level will be answered by your sub.... however if this is a new area to you both, which it sound like it is, its more a case of staying away from a few things on the more sever end of the scale, anything weighted as it will have more follow through, personally I don't have experience of a cane so I cant say with that. I would suggest slow and steady it can be tempting to jump in the deep end. I would also say with Rope take your time learn about it out side of D/s roles and get a good anatomy book too. Is there anything specific ?

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Aug 25, 2018

My best advice here is to focus on the mental aspects, not the physical. There was another question from a new Dom the other day listing all the acts he and his partner had tried; he was wondering how to introduce watersports. The whole tone suggested a bit of wrong thinking; you don't advance in BDSM by checking off kinks like a bird spotter or a game of Pokemon. The real fun, enlightenment and bond comes in exploring the why's and how's of those deep feelings in D/s.

You've touched on this a bit already.

"ive always enjoyed the act of dominating my partners in bed... finding ways to make my partners gasp and squirm knowing I have control..."

That's the heart of it from the D side. I notice you're tempering those statements with talk of caring and communication. That's a good sign, but it's not wrong or contradictory to want both. You don't need to excuse or justify your darker urges, especially here. That leads to a path where you start to think like you're unleashing 'monsters' or 'inner demons'. A dangerous path; make friends with your dark side, understand, embrace, accept and control it. Otherwise shame becomes self loathing and hate, and that negativity will leak out and damage you and your partner.

It's also important to try and understand and talk about the mind of the submissive partner. You just doing what you enjoy and your partner tolerating it isn't much fun even if they're ok with everything.

Talk with your partner about the moments that excite and arouse them. You'll find a lot of suprising answers there.

As a practical example, it took me a while to learn just how important and arousing anticipation is to the submissive mind. While the D tends to enjoy the squirming and punishing aspects of restraint or sensory deprivation, I think you'll find that your partner enjoys it because they are aroused at not knowing what's coming next.

You may think you're tormenting them by keeping the ropes* or blindfold on, but in their reality, every moment makes them more and more aroused thinking about what's next.

What's next doesn't have to be more or harder, either. Expecting pain and getting carresed or tickled and vice versa keeps that sense of anticipation high. The trick is to find that happy middle ground where both are getting something out of it. Too much or too long with one thing leads to boredom, or worse, injury.

Likewise your partner will learn from you. Her little squirms and squeals are likely instinctive, but as she learns what reactions arouse and excite you, she can use that to enhance, tease and arouse you as well. Simple things like breathing, speaking and eye contact can enhance pleasure for both.

If you've noticed, none of that is specific to any particular kink or fetish. Even if you don't do or use anything beyond a blindfold and spanking with an open hand, you can get deep into the heart of D/s.

The mental game is key and in my opinion the strongest and best part. The only way to advance there is open and honest communication with your partners. Discuss, try, debrief, modify and repeat. What you've said so far tells me you're on the right track there. Just focus more on feelings and less on acts.

*There are practical time limits with ropes and circulation. Learn about blood flow and nerve locations. Cutting off blood flow or nerves too long can lead to serious and permanent damage. Same goes for choking. First year medical textbooks and basic first aid training, talking with friends who may be medical professionals will get you answers there.

There is good information online and in RL kink communities, but also some 'experts' that teach dangerous stuff. Just like anything medical, a second opinion never hurts, nor does a healthy dose of skepticism and common sense. Do your own research and trust your instincts if something feels wrong.

Best of luck on your journey.

-Fud